2020 did not start out the way I had hoped......
Apologies in advance for the 200 thoughts thrown on a page with no clear direction or purpose. I'm hoping someone can relate to at least one part of what I'm blabbing on about.
Restlessness. Doubt. Uncertainty. Burdens. Fear. Tears. Pain. More tears. I've been struggling a lot lately with many areas of my life. I realized it wasn't only my students learning to cope with anxiety issues and feelings of worthlessness, resulting in meltdowns- but it was me too.
Work has been overwhelming. Processing my past and the unknowns of the future opened up many old hurts and wounds I never knew I had. Homesickness is real too. (Not that I know where 'home' is or which 'home' I'm referring to.) I guess people..... I miss people from the various places I've had the privilege of doing life in and creating deep friendships with others. Restlessness. Working with so many students who are adopted, my curiosity for my own adoption story is consistently on my heart and in my mind especially when I get questions like, "Ms. Sumi, will I ever fit in?" "Will I ever feel a sense of belonging?" "I am worthless." "I feel rejection everyday." "I cry everyday." "Will I ever meet my birth family?" My heart breaks for my students, at the same time as my own brokenness is exposed even more. Restlessness. My heart feels like it's tossed among the waves. I feel like my days are filled with 'busy' and my anxious heart yearns for stillness with Jesus. But what does that look like? Stillness with Jesus? I thought after my Master's Degree was complete- life would be 'easier' again. What happened? I've been asked recently about how it is living a single life in an expat mission world where there are many excited young families starting out their mission adventures. It made me think of all the beautiful weddings I've been lucky to be a part of and how now close friends are having children and starting their families. It makes me wonder if that will ever happen for me. I'm young and clearly have a lot to work on. Yet, the future seems so hard- I just want to go back sometimes. Restlessness. A restless heart. My heart does not do well in the unknowns. I need to learn to be STILL. Focus on Jesus.
Well, I don't have the answers. All I can give through this post are some things I've thought of during a difficult month. I don't have anything figured out at this moment- but I definitely have gained a new perspective in just a few weeks as I sit here and write this. I'm in awe of the power of Jesus.
Our hearts become restless when we are unable to find true peace. When we are unable to focus on Jesus and only focus on ourselves. I realized I wasn't giving my life up each day to Jesus. I noticed that in the quiet, I was seeking man's approval and placing my worth on how others thought of me. I hope to learn to be Still with Jesus.
I believe it has to be an intentional step of learning to self-care. I am learning to take rest seriously and take care of me. This is uncomfortable as it feels like I'm being selfish. I believe that Stillness with Jesus is important. This does not mean only 'devotion time with the Lord or in Scripture'. Don't get me wrong- those precious times are needed everyday too. Soaked in Scripture. However, I am talking about true quietness and stillness. Learning to intentionally listen to His voice and his still small whisper. I believe today's generation expects immediate communication and runs on being busy and rushed, that the true meaning of being still and quiet is seen as bad or unpopular.
I had the privilege of leading a song at church on Sunday as part of the worship team. I felt a sense of deep joy singing with God's people in that beautiful space. I do not have the strongest voice, the best voice, or the nicest voice- but wow- I felt the Holy Spirit move as I shakily sung powerful words. I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. It's easy to pretend to be someone you aren't. To put on a smile and a face to show you are 'fine'. It's easy to let others bring you down. It's easy to forget the purpose of why you do what you do. God is good. He is faithful.
"All my life You have been faithful. All my life You have been so so good. With every breathe that I am able- I will sing of the goodness of God. I love Your voice. You have led me through the fire. In the darkest night, You were close like no other. I've known You as a Father. I've known You as a friend. And I have lived in the goodness of God. Your goodness is running after me."
Those lyrics really spoke to me. He has always been faithful. I can't believe I am where I am right now. I honestly shouldn't have made it through high school. I've had multiple chances in life as the Lord has rescued me from many incidents and accidents. He has great things in store. I am certain.
Not for a minute was I forsaken. The Lord is in this place. He knows Restless. He wants us to come to Him just as we are. "Trust me", He says. He knows a restless heart. He calms it. He guides it. He comforts it.
So, I have no answers, but I have peace found in Jesus. Apart from Him, I really have no good thing. My heart may continue to be restless, but I can be overjoyed and overflowing with His peace, love, and mercies. Peace that wraps my anxieties and unknowns. Peace that helps me do my job well. Peace that enables me to help others that have been through what I have. Peace to get through the day knowing my identity is in Christ. Peace that helps me truly believe that my belonging and sense of 'home' is found in Jesus. In His stillness. Peace to allow me to minister to those around me to see this Perfect Peace found in Jesus too.
All those burdens and worries and tears........
Leave them behind. Run to the Father. He has no disappointment in His eyes. He loves us. Come to the Father, just as you are.
We are not in control of our own lives. We need to learn to trust Jesus. We need to learn to commit ourselves to God's purposes everyday. We need to learn to seek His answers and His will. Don't let others direct your journey. Don't get bogged down by your own anxieties and shortcomings. The Lord knows your deepest secrets. He made you. Trust Him. Don't lead your own life. Let God do it. Seek His stillness by being STILL and committing your every action and word to Him.
A restless heart - is beautiful- in the Hands of a Creator and Father. He calms the waves. He calms the restlessness and provides Perfect Peace.
"You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." Psalm 16:2
"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SUMI..
ReplyDeleteFor your open and honest heart and sharing the way you do (You are a gifted writer) This is encouraging to others who also feel RESTLESS.
Your gifts are many and much appreciated. Praying for you. Love Jx
Sumi, God has used you to powerfully speak into our lives through this timely message of a restless heart. It is a message that will speak into many lives and rescue many as they return to the embrace of the Father, after running restlessly in their own ways.This is a voice to be heard in this generation. You are touching lives beyond what you originally thought you would. It has started as a ripple but it will creates waves of grace and waves of mercy to be showered upon those who would open themselves up to the truths that God has placed in you to share. I am deeply touched by the beautiful gifts that the Lord God has invested in you and entrusted to you! May He truly give you His Rest and let it be multiplied from you to many more.
ReplyDeleteWith love and prayers,
Cindy