"Oof", said one of my students when hearing we were back online yet again. The roller coaster shift of in-person and online has been unimaginable. Painful. Exhausting. Awful. Frustrating. Outward hopelessness. Feeling defeated. Disappointed. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed to the point of hopelessness. Maybe you think: Can I really keep going? Will it ever be 'normal' again? Can I get through this? Will my kids get through this? Will my family be okay?
There is always growing happening when we least expect it- even in the midst of constant change.
My school's eating area: 2016
Growth- it can be really hard to accept growth. To want to improve. To accept the growing pains and move forward. It is especially hard to grow during CHANGE. I think that's the best way to grow. Change jolts us. We don't like it. It forces us to rely on the One that remains: Jesus. It forces us to love each other more and build each other up. It forces us to let go of control and the feeling of the unknown. God is a God of mystery. He is ALWAYS working. Even when we don't feel it or see it. Even when there is no end in sight or clear open door for the future.
Don't forget about all the promises in His word to you. The world around us is changing minute by minute, yet He hasn't changed. He remains constant. He has not forgotten His children. He has not forgotten YOU. Cling onto Jesus. Choose worship. Remember, the battle belongs to our God.
My school's eating area: 2020
Look what growth does though- in the midst of all the CHANGES. I arrived in Cambodia in 2016 and was excited for this new adventure and journey ahead of me. That little tree (picture above) never seemed to grow. It was weak and hopeless.
Through the years, it has grown. Through years of challenge, aches, and pains- it has grown! Growth takes time and even more time in the midst of change. Rest in Jesus. Allow Him to instill peace in your heart and mind.
Don't let the circumstances of the world and your unknown future shake your firm foundation. Not much will be normal anytime soon, but God is always working. He is moving. The battles you are dealing with right now are known to Him. He fights for you. He is FOR YOU.
I am in awe of God's goodness through the ugly parts of life. He is always so good. He will always grow us. Shape us. Use our kids or students to remind us of His joy and love. Even on the hard days. It is okay to not be okay, but I am forever grateful to be part of His family. Aren't you?
Listen to these songs I've enjoyed this week. Refocus your heart and mind on the One who remains.
I haven't written in a while.....because I was thinking of the next thing to write about. Well, today, a dear friend and role model of mine reminded me that all I had to do was simply ask. I've never felt such a surge of joy and relief after asking for help about a situation I was worried about. A situation that was out of my control, but I had no way of solving on my own. I learned all that was needed was to ask those around me. It was an awkward request, but within minutes was solved through the help of a friend. The Lord places people around us to build us up, to challenge us, and to help us. I'm a helper, if you know anything about Enneagram numbers you'll know more about this.
How can I help well if I never depend on others or ask for help myself?
I need to realize that if I am not addressing my own needs, it is highly unlikely that I will be able to meet anyone else's needs effectively. It is not selfish to make sure that you are okay before attending to others' needs—it is simply healthy and natural.
Sometimes all someone needs is a listening ear and a warm smile. I have learned to understand that everyone doesn't always want my advice, help, or presence. It doesn't mean they don't like me or are rejecting me. It is sometimes more effective and helpful to just listen than to actively help or solve the problem. It is not selfish to share an opinion, make a decision, or prefer to not want to hang out for a night. It is okay to say "no".
There is a reason flight attendants ask to take care of your own oxygen mask first before helping your neighbor. I don't know about you, but I struggle with asking for help. It's a strange thing, because I find myself daily asking God for help quite easily. When it comes to other people, I find it difficult.
It's not because I feel like it's weak. For me, it's because I don't want to inconvenience people. I don't want to burden others with my requests or needs. I don't want to depend on someone. I don't want to distract them from their passions or mission or task. I sometimes don't like asking for help, because there are times I know 'I can' do it myself and don't want it to seem like I'm not capable or being lazy. However, as a helper, I enjoy when others depend on me and ask me for help.....Hmm. This got me thinking.....
Remembering, that self-care and asking for help doesn't mean you are weak or selfish, has helped me learn to ask for help more. I realized I find it easier to ask for help in the simple things of life, but find it challenging to ask for the big things.
As a Special Education teacher, I help advocate for my students. I practice and teach them how to ask for help and learn to build the confidence enough to self-advocate. Practice what you preach! I have to learn from the things I tell them too. I, too, have to remember to ask for help sometimes. It is okay. It is needed. It is natural. I am learning to trust in a whole new way as I learn to ask for help for the big things. It always surprises me how simple it is to ask. How willing others are to help. It always surprises me how people WANT to help. Learning to just let them is so important. I'm a work in progress, but I have come far....
As being part of the Body of Christ, we all have a part. We all have a different purpose. I hope I can continue to learn to ask for help when it's needed. To realize that self-care isn't weak or selfish. To believe that the community and fellowship I have in Christ is a gift and blessing. To remember that the people that surround me for such a time as this are precious and want to help me. To remember to just ask!
Don't do this life alone- Simply ASK !
Exodus 18:14-15, 17-18
"When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, “What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?....... Moses’ father-in-law said to him, ‘What you are doing is not good. You will surely wear yourself out, both you and these people with you. For the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone."
I've been talking a lot with friends recently about God's purpose and plan for our lives. I listened to a sermon online today and the Pastor spoke about who are the people God uses. Many things he said resonated with me today. I was reminded of some truths we so easily forget as followers of Jesus.
1. God's plan is best. 2. The process may be painful and hard, yet He sustains us. 3. Sometimes He just asks us to decide, because His Spirit leads us. 4. There is no better place to be than in the will and purpose of God. 5. God uses us- despite our imperfections and sins.
Sometimes I wonder if I make a difference at all. Would people notice if I wasn't there? As an MK growing up and now in the community I live in: people are transforming villages, rescuing children, spreading the good news to the lost, building churches, translating the Bible, helping the sick, leading schools...... and I'm making Google Classroom videos and crying over lack of internet ? Umm, excuse me Lord? Am I really being used for Your purpose? People can be intimidating in their calling. But that's exactly it- that's THEIR calling, not mine. God doesn't want us just imitating others. He wants us to imitate and follow HIM. Some days I feel like I can give so much more of the talents the Lord has given me, yet I can barely get out of bed in the morning to attend a staff meeting. Sometimes I wonder if my calling was lost. If my passions disappeared... Am I really serving Him and making a difference by simply showing up to work in the morning and possibly emailing parents, grading papers, calming down a student and laminating documents? The simple answer is YES. God uses ordinary people and jobs.
Maybe you feel similar. Maybe you are a stay-at-home mom and never imagined it to be so hard and lonely. Maybe you imagined your life to be very different by the time you were 30. Maybe you are in a country that you never expected, but can't do the things you came to do. Maybe you are in a comfortable job and enjoy your coworkers, but still feel empty and lost inside...... Are we following Jesus or just asking Him to protect and bless us?
The Holy Spirit really shook me this weekend. He reminded me that His light never goes out. He is always working through me. Despite my failures, weaknesses, and blindness- He is working. He is using ME. His purpose for this season is for me to email parents, organize schedules, teach students, laminate documents, make videos...... He didn't make a mistake in this plan. He is preparing me for what is next. He is moulding me to be a humble servant.
So, if you are wondering what on earth God has in store for you- don't lose HOPE. If you are scared about the unknown. If you are worried if God is using the mundane activities of your life...... trust the Holy Spirit leading. God has you EXACTLY where He meant for you to be. He has you learning the things you need to learn. He has beautiful plans ahead. We worry ourselves away in thinking we could be doing something better. Why would we ever want to doubt where the Lord has placed us?
We never truly know who we impact anyway. God places us in seasons to teach us to love Him and His people more in the place He puts us. I believe this season I'm in is to learn that there is NO better place to be than to be in the plan and purpose of the Lord. He knows best. He also knows our desires and passions. Our time will come. We just have to wait for His spirit to lead us.
I would not want to be doing ANYTHING else or be ANYWHERE else ! There is no better place than to be following my Jesus. I want to go where Jesus goes, not just ask him to bless my life and dreams. Go where His spirit leads. There truly is no better place to live.
Submit to the Holy Spirit which comes from within and He will lead you on the path to Holiness.
The mystery of God's love. Coming down to Earth to save the lost. Dying on a cross and being raised to eternal life to take away the sins of the world. What love is this? It is a mystery the world may laugh at, but it is the exact mystery this desperate world needs. We need love like that. We need mysteries we can't comprehend fully. We need God to show us He is capable of the impossible.
Our world is messy. We are messy. We need powerful mysteries to help us continue to lean on Christ. Otherwise, I'd definitely think I wouldn't need Him. Life would be too 'easy' if I knew what tomorrow had in store and if I knew where I'd be in 2022. There is no fun in knowing everything. It ruins our trust. It ruins our ability to lean fully on Christ. I think God protects us by not telling us. There would be no mystery to His goodness and His Name. If we knew all His plans, it would make it extremely hard for us humans to fully trust Him.....we would think we don't need Him.
This has challenged me recently, with all the unknown and constant change around me, to reflect on when I walk most closely with God. I am a flexible person that has learned to adapt to the environment I'm in. I'm also calm when crisis hits. These qualities are helpful, however make me reflect just how much I do or don't rely on Christ.
It's easy to call on Jesus when we are desperate, hurt, someone's sick, we lost our job, and things are not the way we want them to be. Do we call on Him when everything is fine? Do we rely on Him when the future is clearer and I may know where I'm going? Of course, nothing is wrong with calling on God more when we are in need of His mercy, miracles, and power. He sometimes wants us to go through these bumps and hurdles so we are able to focus fully on Him again. These trials and tests are good for us to refocus and fall on our knees. Yet, I wanted to challenge myself by thinking a little deeper. Do I only really pray when I need Him or feel alone?
I've been reading through the book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah is known as the 'weeping prophet'. He lived through a dark time in history and we can learn a lot of lessons from him. He was all alone and not even his family was listening to him. The most important lessons I've learned through reading this book are that of repentance and God's faithfulness. God is a God of love and forgiveness. It's a mystery to me how He loves us knowing our sins, words, and actions.
Through the mess and the constant change of 2020- God remains the same. He is constant. He remains. He knows our future. He promised it in Jeremiah, the famous passage, Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We never keep reading.... the context of this verse makes it all the more powerful!
Verse 12 says : "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
His mystery continues. He rebuilds. He promises. He keeps His promises.
So, I'm learning to completely fall in the arms of Jesus. To fully rely on Him- Not just when a pandemic hits and I find myself in a mess of uncertainty and angst, but no matter what. I want to be more like Him. I want to seek Him with all my heart always. Remember, God is a God of mystery and He knows our mess. He knows your tomorrows and your aching desires and hurts. Let's trust Him through it and continue to trust Him when things are less messy.....
I am writing this from my own experience and feelings. Know that every situation and adoptee has their very own story to share. "Gotcha Day" is actually quite painful and can bring back a lot of trauma for adopted kids. What I write is from my own experience, I never mean for my words to generalize what adoption is like. We all have our own stories to share.
July 4th- My Gotcha Day !
It's a special day. I was adopted. Chosen. Brought Home.
Typically, Gotcha Day is the day a child was brought home.
I am forever grateful for my family. The miracles that brought me to them are many and direct proof that our God is alive and working. We should expect miracles. He is a God of them.
I definitely have days where I wonder: "Why me, Lord?" Why did I get this opportunity to have a family and a home and a life of opportunity and blessing? So many others did not get that. So many others were not brought into a family. So many others didn't get a family like mine.
This burden grows as I get older. I have had to learn to fully trust the Lord's great love for His people. Not just for me. He deeply cares for His creation. He knew I needed my family. I can't fully live this life if I continue to wonder why I got this blessed and lucky. He has given me this life so I better use it to glorify Him everyday and make the most of my days.
Rejection and abandonment run through many adoptees veins. Maybe it does for you too- adopted or not. I've always felt gratitude for this life I've been given, but I've also felt an unexplained abandonment. Almost like it's built inside of me. This makes sense if you think about it. Babies in the womb begin to feel attachment throughout a mother's pregnancy. Even though I was adopted so young and have no childhood memories of my birth family, I still spent those months developing in my birth mom's womb.... and the range of emotions during her pregnancy must have been extreme as I imagine they are anyway for someone pregnant. Thank you Amma for being so brave. I hope you feel inside of you years later that I'm more than okay in this world. That I'm taken care of and loved. Thank you for being brave for me.
Sometimes people don't always know what to say either and I don't blame them- since everyone reacts differently to their own adoption anyway:
"Your parents aren't really your parents." "You probably don't feel like you belong with the family you have now." "You don't look anything like them. That must be hard." "You could never really be a Leonard." "How does being adopted feel?" "Do you ever want to meet your birth family?" "Do you even feel Indian?" "Do the Indians accept you?" "The medical papers at the hospital must be hard to fill out for you, huh?" "You have no family medical history- that's sad." "It's probably easier for you since you don't know anything about your birth family though, right?"
I've had people over the years say or ask these things to me. I've always had to step back and realize they just care and love me, but find it awkward to know how to ask the best questions. They don't realize these comments and questions are probably not helpful. I actually rarely get offended by comments to do with adoption. I am more concerned about educating people about adoption in any way I can- in general. I'm most concerned about making sure fellow adoptees know that extreme unexplainable emotions may occur, but they will be okay. That they need to seek the help they need to process well and feel accepted and loved. Yes, my birth parents gave me up. Yes, I look nothing like my family. Yes, I have no clue about my birth family and their medical history. Yes, there are feelings I get that I can't quite explain sometimes about understanding adoption. I have a deep sense of grief sometimes with no real understanding behind it. Being adopted isn't a feeling though. It's a lot more than that. Yet, most of the time- I don't even remember I am adopted! This is my life! The Leonard's ARE my family. Yes, my birth parents gave me up. However, how dare someone think they didn't or don't love me. A dear friend once told me, "Sumi, it shows great love for someone to give their kid up for adoption. It shows they wanted a 'better' life for you because they were not at the place or in the right situation to keep you and take care of you the way they wanted. That's LOVE."
I will never forget the understanding I felt when hearing those words. It is beautiful to think about. I may never meet or know anything about my birth family, but wow do I pray for them and know the Lord is loving them too. He cares for us all. He is working behind the scenes. What a blessing I get to be part of God's family to be able to pray and have His presence and peace cover the unexplainable.
The sting of abandonment is a real thing. It lingers like the smell of rotten food. It's what you do with the feeling and lingering smell that either makes or breaks you. I have never had those moments of realizing I'm a lot like my brother or my hair is like my mom's or my talent for something 'runs in the family' or is genetic. I get stared at like crazy when with my family- no matter what country I live in. Sometimes I feel like an alien when grocery shopping with them because of others shocked expressions. Come on people, we live in 2020, figure it out. Adoption isn't uncommon.
I've chosen time and time again to not let the lies of the devil overwhelm my heart and thoughts. It's so important to push away those lies of not belonging or rejection (adopted or not!). Don't believe those lies. YOU are accepted. YOU are chosen. YOU are loved. YOU are loved by a King.
I'm forever grateful for my family. Forever grateful for being a part of God's family. My parents have never once made me feel like an outcast or not part of them. My brother is a gem. And my family is my family! I've never felt abandoned from them. It's the rest of the world I have to be careful dealing with. It's the devil's lies I have to continually push aside and stomp on. I'm thankful to the Lord for bringing me into the Leonard family. What a true gift. What an amazing life I get to live! God is just so kind. "Adopting one child won't change the world; but for that child the world will change."
Thanks Mum and Dad for listening to the Lord's still small voice and obeying Him. Thank you for loving me no matter what- like your own. Thank you for fighting for me from day 1 and giving me a home. I'm overwhelmed with how loved I feel everyday. Thank you. It's my Gotcha Day and the Leonard's should be celebrated. :)
Our God is a God of great great things. At my high school graduation, we sang the song Look What God Has Done For Us by Graham Kendrick.
Read the lyrics:
"Look what God has done for us
Over all the years we've shared
Ever since the day
He joined our flick'ring
Lights into one flame
Look at all the lives He's changed
By His grace we're not the same
All the fruit that's grown
All that's yet to come
Look what God has done
And his love goes on and on forever
Look at all we've shared in Him
Joy and laughter, tears and pain
Grace to carry on
When days were dark
And all our strength was gone
Look at all the prayers He's heard
All the times He's proved His word
Blessings on our homes
Children that have grown
Look what God has done
And his love goes on and on forever
Freely we have all received
Freely we must also give
Thinking of the price
He paid that we might
Be His very own
Born for such a time as this
Chosen for the harvest years
We have just begun
The best is yet to come
Look what God has done
And his love goes on and on forever"
The end of this unusual school year has brought me to remember those lyrics. As a teacher, this has definitely been the most challenging season I've ever had. No contact with my students and not getting to plan a class party and celebrate while watching a movie or reminiscing about the school year together is devastating. Watching students resilience and strength throughout this time has helped me think about when I have no words, no strength, and no control. There are so many things happening in our world right now far worse than school being closed. People are alone. People are depressed. People are sick. People are dying. People are hurting. People are angry. People are grieving. People are scared.
When you have no strength- who do you turn to?
When you have no words- who do you turn to?
When you have no control- who do you turn to?
Isaiah 26: 3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal."
God has done great things. Don't ever doubt it. He will keep doing them. I definitely need HIM every moment of everyday. I need to learn to continue to focus on Him and let the joy of knowing Him and believing in Him bring me strength. The days aren't easy, but wow is His presence real and His courts the place I want to be.
Nehemiah 8:10b "Do not grieve, for the JOY of the Lord is your strength."
God isn't finished yet. He is working. He is healing. He is comforting, He is guiding. He is just.
I've been reflecting on the end of this unusual school year. This will be the end of my 4th year living and working in Cambodia. Wow! God has been SO faithful in answering so many prayers and fulfilling so many dreams of mine since moving here. The Lord sees all things. He knows our futures. He calms our restless hearts. He always provides what we need in His timing.
During these devastating times where our world is so broken...... Even in the brokenness, I choose to trust Him and praise Him. I've been reflecting on this beautiful country I get the privilege of adding to my 'home' list...... I think we sometimes forget the beauty right in front of us. The adventures everyday. The beautiful smiling people all around. The culture that reminds me exactly of why I wanted to return to Asia again. Every day isn't easy. I was just telling someone how some days are a drag and I wonder why God placed me here while other days I'm overjoyed by the fact I get this blessed life. I have SO much. God protects me everyday on my crazy fast moto as I whizz around town. Why is it we so easily forget to look at the little things?The Lord isn't finished yet. He is working. He never stops. He is a promise keeper.He is a God of Great Things even in the midst of chaos. Enjoy some pictures below of beautiful Cambodia! What a vibrant fun place to live.
Lastly, I included a song by Phil Wickham called Great Things. I encourage you to come to the Lord and recognize all the GREAT THINGS He has done this season. I hope I never forget all the great things the Lord has already done and will continue to do.
All Photo Credit: To my gorgeous friend Bec Kime :) (Taken in the last few years at different times)
Tin Roof tops of Market
Family Moto ride (normal)
Bugs? Anyone?
Veggie buying time
Nice views
Russian Market
Intricate architecture
River front
Traffic as usual
Bravery at its best :)
Beautiful!
City rooftop views
Houses on stilts
Cows!
Market Place
Sookie (from Gilmore Girls!) my Suzuki :) Love my Moto !
Photo Credit: my wonderful friend ChanSeng
I feel like I'm floating ....... I feel like a walking-talking- faux pas.....
'HOME' during COVID-19
What a strange season we are in. I feel like the days and weeks are floating by. There is time to think- so I've realized how many slip ups a day happen due to embarrassing things I do or say. Or due to the fact I don't have one culture. I can so easily become a 'know-it-all' as my life is so much an in-between of so many places. The Lord is teaching me humility for sure. Most people have multiple homes in their lifetime. Home is where my people are at! It's where I live. I am able to adapt fast to love the place I live in. It still doesn't make the idea of 'home' any easier for me to wrap my mind around though..... Most people are from a place, whereas I'm just floating and hovering between many.
I’ve felt this odd sense of envy for those that have a
‘home’during this Covid-19 season. Again, don't get me wrong, I know just because someone has a permanent home doesn't mean it's amazing and a place they love. But I do wonder what it feels like for those that are patriotic and view their home countries as a safe
haven. For those that so easily boast about their home’s food, stores, medical
care, education system …. the list goes on…. Nothing is wrong with these things I'm just saying I've never felt a strong connection to one place- ever. Treasure it.
I’ve been reflecting a lot about the concept of ‘home’
especially during this pandemic. It’s been interesting for someone like me to
see so many people view their countries decisions with great respect or with
complete slander and ridicule. I guess I’ve never had ONE place that is truly
home where I have a sense of pride towards or a sense of patriotism in. I’ve
never felt that. I think it’s a beautiful thing to get the privilege of
feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my life of cultures and know I’m
beyond grateful for everything given to me and provided for me. However, the sense of belonging or a simple
answer of “Where’s home for you?” is impossible.
Some say that’s a blessing as I’ve had this adventurous life
traveling places. Others say that’s a curse as I do feel uprooted constantly. I
believe some days I love it all and other days I’m envious of people with a
simple answer to simple questions. In my immediate family alone are 3 places
(all dear to my heart in different ways): American, Dutch, Indian. I may have
an American accent and wear western clothing, but wow am I not seen as American
in America. I remember crying at Wegmans trying to choose what type of cereal
to buy. Why on earth were there 50 options? The same goes for any of these places. I may look Indian and have
features of a West Bengali, but wow am I no Indian when with them. I can’t cook
curry well and I don’t speak fluent anything.... I feel embarrassed around my own kind. Lastly, I don’t even have to comment
with the Dutch as I’m clearly not Dutch in any shape or form. Haha.
It's made me think of Jesus and His time here on Earth. He was an outcast. Hung out with sinners. Cared about people that no one else did. Sent people who no one else would have thought of sending. Chose disciples who were ordinary people. He chose to be different. He wasn't embarrassed. He challenged culture and people around Him. He didn't let what others said stop Him from doing what He was asked to do, yet He always chose to Love.
With this pandemic, I’ve noticed people are so easily drawn
to the safety of their ‘home’. The comforts- the security found in passport
country- the hope found in laws that work for them. I guess I’ve never really
thought this much about the concept of home before. ONE country has never been
‘home’. I know mission kids and TCK’s may think similar thoughts about the word
‘home’ or “where they are from?” or feel most accepted …… however, there is a
whole layer added though due to me being adopted. I have this sense of
attachment to my birthplace without ever truly feeling belonging there as much
as I miss India every day. Basically, without my faith- I’d be SUCH a mess. I've always been a deep thinker and when there is so much time to think these days it's been a challenge just to stop.
It’s an interesting realization when the News is exploding
with countries decisions and which lock-down procedure is the most effective and
which leader is doing a good job and which one isn’t. Sometimes I think we forget who holds the world. Who controls it. Why we are here. Who we are here for? Whom shall we fear? Even with all this strange, I hope I can draw closer to Him each day. I hope I can know deep down He is Home. I can rest in His presence forever.
1 Corinthians 14:33 a "For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace....."
Through the floating feeling of not belonging anywhere and the faux pas all around as I live between these places and cultures and messes- I've realized there really is no better place to be but to be in His courts. With Him. Everything I do and say is known to Him. He knows us. I need to give my floating days to Him. He knows the feeling. He knows everything.
Here are just some thoughts I've been pondering recently:
If we were told all things.... We wouldn't trust God. Would we?Our God is mysterious. He doesn't want us to know everything or else we'd think we don't need Him. I am grateful He doesn't write things in the sky even though sometimes I pray for clarity and answers like that.
The 'even though' or 'what if' moments in life are hard. They can strangle us. They can bring us great sorrow and into despair. I am grateful He knows the desires of my heart. He knows Me. Even though I couldn't properly say goodbye to friends and students, yet I will celebrate the Lord.
You never know what someone else is going through. Be gentle. Don't presume. It's so easy to compare from what we see. But we all have hidden hurts.Hidden stories. Hidden wounds that are still yet to be healed fully. I am grateful for my story and what the Lord has brought me through.
We are living in a strange and unusual season right now. I know of some people going through some of these 'maybes' so be mindful and BE GENTLE to each other. I need to remember to be gentle as we all have hidden hurts.
Maybe the single friend who seems to get naps in and extra hobby time is longing for a partner and a family of their own.....
Maybe the active mom with 6 kids and posts epic Insta's is depressed and can't seem to catch her breath or keep up....
Maybe the young couple who seem giddy have been praying for a child for years......
Maybe the old man who's always helpful and kind grieves his past everyday.....
Maybe the young couple who just had their first child is craving for family and friends to be near.....
Maybe the joyful teenager hides behind being an extrovert and boasting about 10 zoom calls and online game times, but he suffers from anxiety and being alone.....
Maybe your introvert neighbor right now, is struggling more than ever during this season of being alone even though usually she loves quiet space and time.......
Maybe the hard working student is lost with endless cancelled plans and exams.......
Maybe everyone is hurting and struggling. Maybe we all need to remember we all have hidden hurts. So, don't presume you know just cuz someone 'looks' to be having a great time or a free schedule or amazing positive posts on social media. They may be hurting more than you know.
Be gentle. We are called to LOVE all. We are not called to compare. We are not called to know it all. We are not called to judge. So LOVE.
Our God is a God of Mystery. Our life is full of mystery. If I knew it all.... Would I trust Him? Or just replace my worry with something else to worry about....
Sometimes the unknown leads us to fall on bended knees and cry out for help. Sometimes I want God to bring clarity and answers written in the sky for me. Yet, He chooses to let me trust Him more and more each time.
Our future is so secure. It's so secure if we seek Him and trust Him. He holds it. He holds us. God never promised an easy life, yet He promised a life with Him as our Help. Our Guide. Our shelter. Our holder of all things hidden. Give those hidden hurts to Him today. Let Him help.
I'm choosing to celebrate and rejoice even through the hard times.
Psalm 34:10: "....Those who seek the Lord, lack no good thing."
Those hidden hurts they will be healed. Your Father knows each hurt. Seek Him.
Trust Him.Call out to Him. He may be a God of mystery, but He's also a God of joy, power, compassion, and sovereignty.
What a crazy time to be alive! We are together in this- yet so alone. I needed to be reminded that we are never alone though. We have each other more than ever. I don't think I've ever 'connected' online so well and so much with friends across the world at this time.
Worship.Worship is not just songs and music. It is an overall lifestyle choice. We can worship at every moment of our day.It is an attitude. An act from the heart. Music and song are so important during times like these- when we are all a lot quieter than normal. He gives us hope when hope is gone.This season sucks already, but remember perspective. It is okay to not be okay- like my last post on a God of all emotions.It is okay to feel completely alone. However, it is important to remember tobe kindand gain perspectiveat this unusual time.Let worship through song overwhelm you as you are home.....
If you are sitting at home in quarantine bored out of your mind, craving for people, longing for community... or maybe you just lost your job and are wondering what on earth you are supposed to do to support your family and survive this year? or you are home in quarantine with 6 kids fighting over the WIFI access as they have to have a strong connection for their online school work and you are running from kid to kid helping as well as cooking, cleaning, and making sure everyone is safe and well...... We ALL need each other at this time. Be gentle in understanding each others circumstances and that we are all under different types of stress. We all long for connection no matter the circumstance. Now is not the time to compare. Now is not the time to be selfish.
We ALL need song. We ALL need community. We ALL need each other..... I've been reminded during this crazy season- that we need people. Fellowship is a human craving. We desire connection. I don't care if you are a natural introvert or extrovert. We desire community.Don't let this season of quiet rob you of joy and peace. Community is just going to look a whole lot different these next few months. We all have to accept that. We all have to still worship in the midst of it all. We may be together- yet alone right now but always remember the Lord is close to the broken-hearted. Perspective is so important during these days.... This uncertain season- This too shall pass.
I love these songs because the lyrics are powerful. There is nothing better than Jesus. Jesus is working even when we can't see it or feel it. He is in control. He is with us. His peace is real. Let's lift up in song together- no matter how you feel- bring it all to Jesus. He calls us as we are."Come", He says.
So .... life has been crazy these past few days. Almost every email I receive has been a change in schedule, someone is leaving, or a student wanting to Google Hangout call due to anxiety and stress..... Schools across the world are struggling as leaders have to make big and hard decisions. Families across the world are wrestling with children at home and possibly unemployment. Through all this chaos in the world, God is still on the Throne. He is still Sovereign. He is still God.
God is also a God of all emotions though.It IS okay to be devastated, sad, hurt, confused, upset, angry. It's okay to be sad when people leave and goodbye parties can't happen. It's okay to not even know how you feel or be able to express the deep disappointment and sadness about a situation. It's okay to be frustrated when doubt and fear overwhelm and the uncertainty of what is next overtakes. It's okay to be hurting and heart-broken for the sick, your family, your neighbors, your community, your school, your friends, the vulnerable, the elderly, your specific situation, for the world..... Those are feelings the Lord gave you. It's how we react to these sudden horrible things in our lives right now that is the testament. Whom shall we fear?
I am definitely someone who cries. When I was little, I used to cry if I spilled my milk by accident, or dropped a plate. As I grew older, I cried about friends quarreling or being disappointed about something. Recently, I can literally cry for NO reason at all some days. Haha.
In times of crisis, we need to remember that emotions are good. Crying is normal. Be gracious to yourself during chaos and trouble. Emotions- They show we care. They show we hurt. They show we are human. Fear, however, is from the devil. Don't allow it to overtake. Emotions- Above all, they show we need Jesus. We need God. We can't do this alone. It's impossible. With God, ALL things. ALL emotions, are possible.
Romans 8:26-27
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."
I am grateful the Spirit helps me with my weakness. It's hard not being selfish right now. I hope we can all unite together in our sadness to help each other and encourage. Not to ruin more and to cause more hurt. I pray we can be gentle during this time of crisis. I pray we can be gentle to our emotions and how different they are at this time. I pray we can be gentle to ourselves too. We have a God of all emotions. He holds us. He holds our world. Whom shall we fear? What shall we fear?
I hope to be writing some shorter blog posts throughout this social-distancing and teaching online season we are all going through. So, if you are interested in following along- PLEASE save my blogspot site and read as I post new posts......
I was reminded today of an old song my mom used to sing in worship services at church: In Moments Like These. The lyrics are copied below:
"In moments like these I sing out a song
I sing out a love song to Jesus
In moments like these I lift up my hands
I lift up my hands to the Lord
Singing I love You, Lord
Singing I love You, Lord
Singing I love You, Lord
I love You"
Even though I know this season isn't just a moment, I hope this song can bring peace to your soul. I know it feels like a never-ending uncertainty right now about what could or will happen. At times when uncertainty and uncharted waters become reality, as believers, we need to cling onto Jesus even more. We need to lift up our Hands and sing praises. We need to declare His love. We need to shine His light among the nations. We need to seek Him. We need to look to Him instead of the news we read or listen to. I've been through many unknown seasons in my life. Every time I face an unknown, I tend to panic and fall into my sinful human nature and try to figure things out on my own. I tend to isolate myself from those I love the most. I tend to seek everything and anything else instead of God's truth and wisdom found in His Word. Why? I keep learning the SAME lesson. Over and over and over again. I need MORE Jesus....... Less Sumi.
I hope during this uncertain and probably disappointment after disappointment filled season- we can unite together as believers across the world and seek Jesus. Look to Him for grace each day. Look to Him as the news gets more terrifying. Look to Jesus. He holds the world. He holds our nations. He holds our families and loved ones. He holds your heart. He really is in control amidst the sorrow and madness. In the storm, He is peace. Let Peace overwhelm YOU this season.
I have realized this month that even through my selfishness and pride, He will still carry me. He still loves me when I feel weak and doubt. He reminds me of His faithfulness and His miracles. I've been reminded in my Bible Study recently that through our weakness, He is strong. His strength is always with us. We just need to reach out and take it.
Maybe you are reading this and are having a difficult time understanding what God is doing in your life right now. Maybe you are doubting or confused like me. Maybe you are hurting and unsure how to move forward in many areas of your life. Maybe you feel beyond repair. I urge you to never give up hope. I serve a God who performs miracles. He cares so deeply for us. We have a God who stays. He runs in our direction. He opens His arms wide. Nothing we have ever done can separate us. We are already free. We are already His. Rest in the hope that we have in Jesus. My chaos, confusion, hurt, weakness and pride are not too much for God. His strength is enough.He is enough. I need to start really believing that myself. It is so easy to write and speak about but a different story to follow and believe sometimes. I'm learning. Believe what the Lord says about us. Trust Him.
I was reminded of many miracles that the Lord has done in my life. This song came to mind. It talks about how we are all living, breathing, walking miracles. I'm glad the Lord brings peace when we sit still with Him and place our burdens at His feet. He cares. Deeply. I feel refreshed just listening to these lyrics and remembering how far I've come. All thanks to Jesus. Your Name, Jesus, is Above all. Praise the Lord!
Apologies in advance for the 200 thoughts thrown on a page with no clear direction or purpose. I'm hoping someone can relate to at least one part of what I'm blabbing on about.
Restlessness. Doubt. Uncertainty. Burdens. Fear. Tears. Pain. More tears. I've been struggling a lot lately with many areas of my life. I realized it wasn't only my students learning to cope with anxiety issues and feelings of worthlessness, resulting in meltdowns- but it was me too.
Work has been overwhelming. Processing my past and the unknowns of the future opened up many old hurts and wounds I never knew I had. Homesickness is real too. (Not that I know where 'home' is or which 'home' I'm referring to.) I guess people..... I miss people from the various places I've had the privilege of doing life in and creating deep friendships with others. Restlessness. Working with so many students who are adopted, my curiosity for my own adoption story is consistently on my heart and in my mind especially when I get questions like, "Ms. Sumi, will I ever fit in?" "Will I ever feel a sense of belonging?" "I am worthless." "I feel rejection everyday." "I cry everyday." "Will I ever meet my birth family?" My heart breaks for my students, at the same time as my own brokenness is exposed even more.Restlessness. My heart feels like it's tossed among the waves. I feel like my days are filled with 'busy' and my anxious heart yearns for stillness with Jesus. But what does that look like? Stillness with Jesus? I thought after my Master's Degree was complete- life would be 'easier' again. What happened? I've been asked recently about how it is living a single life in an expat mission world where there are many excited young families starting out their mission adventures. It made me think of all the beautiful weddings I've been lucky to be a part of and how now close friends are having children and starting their families. It makes me wonder if that will ever happen for me. I'm young and clearly have a lot to work on. Yet, the future seems so hard- I just want to go back sometimes. Restlessness. A restless heart. My heart does not do well in the unknowns. I need to learn to be STILL. Focus on Jesus.
Well, I don't have the answers. All I can give through this post are some things I've thought of during a difficult month. I don't have anything figured out at this moment- but I definitely have gained a new perspective in just a few weeks as I sit here and write this. I'm in awe of the power of Jesus.
Our hearts become restless when we are unable to find true peace. When we are unable to focus on Jesus and only focus on ourselves. I realized I wasn't giving my life up each day to Jesus. I noticed that in the quiet, I was seeking man's approval and placing my worth on how others thought of me. I hope to learn to be Still with Jesus.
I believe it has to be an intentional step of learning to self-care. I am learning to take rest seriously and take care of me. This is uncomfortable as it feels like I'm being selfish. I believe that Stillness with Jesus is important. This does not mean only 'devotion time with the Lord or in Scripture'. Don't get me wrong- those precious times are needed everyday too. Soaked in Scripture. However, I am talking about true quietness and stillness. Learning to intentionally listen to His voice and his still small whisper. I believe today's generation expects immediate communication and runs on being busy and rushed, that the true meaning of being still and quiet is seen as bad or unpopular.
I had the privilege of leading a song at church on Sunday as part of the worship team. I felt a sense of deep joy singing with God's people in that beautiful space. I do not have the strongest voice, the best voice, or the nicest voice- but wow- I felt the Holy Spirit move as I shakily sung powerful words. I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. It's easy to pretend to be someone you aren't. To put on a smile and a face to show you are 'fine'. It's easy to let others bring you down. It's easy to forget the purpose of why you do what you do. God is good. He is faithful.
"All my life You have been faithful. All my life You have been so so good. With every breathe that I am able- I will sing of the goodness of God. I love Your voice. You have led me through the fire. In the darkest night, You were close like no other. I've known You as a Father. I've known You as a friend. And I have lived in the goodness of God. Your goodness is running after me."
Those lyrics really spoke to me. He has always been faithful. I can't believe I am where I am right now. I honestly shouldn't have made it through high school. I've had multiple chances in life as the Lord has rescued me from many incidents and accidents. He has great things in store. I am certain.
Not for a minute was I forsaken. The Lord is in this place. He knows Restless. He wants us to come to Him just as we are. "Trust me", He says. He knows a restless heart. He calms it. He guides it. He comforts it.
So, I have no answers, but I have peace found in Jesus. Apart from Him, I really have no good thing. My heart may continue to be restless, but I can be overjoyed and overflowing with His peace, love, and mercies. Peace that wraps my anxieties and unknowns. Peace that helps me do my job well. Peace that enables me to help others that have been through what I have. Peace to get through the day knowing my identity is in Christ. Peace that helps me truly believe that my belonging and sense of 'home' is found in Jesus. In His stillness. Peace to allow me to minister to those around me to see this Perfect Peace found in Jesus too.
All those burdens and worries and tears........
Leave them behind. Run to the Father. He has no disappointment in His eyes. He loves us. Come to the Father, just as you are. We are not in control of our own lives. We need to learn to trust Jesus. We need to learn to commit ourselves to God's purposes everyday. We need to learn to seek His answers and His will. Don't let others direct your journey. Don't get bogged down by your own anxieties and shortcomings. The Lord knows your deepest secrets. He made you. Trust Him. Don't lead your own life. Let God do it. Seek His stillness by being STILL and committing your every action and word to Him.
A restless heart - is beautiful- in the Hands of a Creator and Father. He calms the waves. He calms the restlessness and provides Perfect Peace.
"You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." Psalm 16:2 "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5
2020 did not start out the way I had hoped.... But I have great confidence 2020 will be a year of growing closer to Jesus and seeing more of His beautiful plans unfold.
Provider. A word that carried me through this year.
The Lord is always faithful and He always provides. This last year He really helped me through a lot. He provided things I never dreamed of. Finishing a Masters Degree. My dream job in Special Education. Visiting new places in Europe and traveling to see friends.
Just a quick run through in pictures of my fabulous 2019. Miracles do happen if you trust the Lord as Your Provider.
Visiting Siem Reap
Excited for a new year as we enter 2020 :)
In awe of God's LOVE for His people- through the good, bad, and ugly times. He is constant. He is Our Provider. Lots of unknowns and changes to come..... but with God on your side - only the BEST is to come.
"....Those who seek the Lord will not lack any good thing". -Psalm 34:10
The beautiful place I get to call home: Phnom Penh
Wonderful friends and girls trip!
Got our hair done! Miss these two!
Birthday Breakfast!
Love coaching! Basketball :)
Hard to say goodbye to my beloved teaching Year 4 students.
But God had other plans in store....
Switzerland with the Fammm
Love my family!
Holland with Tante Margriet
Getting a full weekend with my favorite brother!
Seeing old friends!
Seeing more old friends! :)
Germany!
New job as Coordinator of ARC
New and old friends made !
Love these girls!
Beautiful view from my apartment
Getting to eat delicious Mama Dawne food!
I get to do life with these amazing peeps!
Lovely trying new places to eat with these lovelies.
Boat cruises!
Camping trip with these crazies!
Difficult days trying to get to school
Praying I'd make it in the morning....
Grateful to work at a place as beautiful as this one!
Getting to live in this busy yet calming city of Phnom Penh. Love it!
Becoming an Alumni of Cairn University!
Finishing my IDP and doing my seminars.
Christmas with my folks!
"2019-That's a wrap" Starting this year with a smile and excitement for all that's to come!
