"Oof", said one of my students when hearing we were back online yet again. The roller coaster shift of in-person and online has been unimaginable. Painful. Exhausting. Awful. Frustrating. Outward hopelessness. Feeling defeated. Disappointed. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed to the point of hopelessness. Maybe you think: Can I really keep going? Will it ever be 'normal' again? Can I get through this? Will my kids get through this? Will my family be okay?
There is always growing happening when we least expect it- even in the midst of constant change.
My school's eating area: 2016
Growth- it can be really hard to accept growth. To want to improve. To accept the growing pains and move forward. It is especially hard to grow during CHANGE. I think that's the best way to grow. Change jolts us. We don't like it. It forces us to rely on the One that remains: Jesus. It forces us to love each other more and build each other up. It forces us to let go of control and the feeling of the unknown. God is a God of mystery. He is ALWAYS working. Even when we don't feel it or see it. Even when there is no end in sight or clear open door for the future.
Don't forget about all the promises in His word to you. The world around us is changing minute by minute, yet He hasn't changed. He remains constant. He has not forgotten His children. He has not forgotten YOU. Cling onto Jesus. Choose worship. Remember, the battle belongs to our God.
My school's eating area: 2020
Look what growth does though- in the midst of all the CHANGES. I arrived in Cambodia in 2016 and was excited for this new adventure and journey ahead of me. That little tree (picture above) never seemed to grow. It was weak and hopeless.
Through the years, it has grown. Through years of challenge, aches, and pains- it has grown! Growth takes time and even more time in the midst of change. Rest in Jesus. Allow Him to instill peace in your heart and mind.
Don't let the circumstances of the world and your unknown future shake your firm foundation. Not much will be normal anytime soon, but God is always working. He is moving. The battles you are dealing with right now are known to Him. He fights for you. He is FOR YOU.
I am in awe of God's goodness through the ugly parts of life. He is always so good. He will always grow us. Shape us. Use our kids or students to remind us of His joy and love. Even on the hard days. It is okay to not be okay, but I am forever grateful to be part of His family. Aren't you?
Listen to these songs I've enjoyed this week. Refocus your heart and mind on the One who remains.
I haven't written in a while.....because I was thinking of the next thing to write about. Well, today, a dear friend and role model of mine reminded me that all I had to do was simply ask. I've never felt such a surge of joy and relief after asking for help about a situation I was worried about. A situation that was out of my control, but I had no way of solving on my own. I learned all that was needed was to ask those around me. It was an awkward request, but within minutes was solved through the help of a friend. The Lord places people around us to build us up, to challenge us, and to help us. I'm a helper, if you know anything about Enneagram numbers you'll know more about this.
How can I help well if I never depend on others or ask for help myself?
I need to realize that if I am not addressing my own needs, it is highly unlikely that I will be able to meet anyone else's needs effectively. It is not selfish to make sure that you are okay before attending to others' needs—it is simply healthy and natural.
Sometimes all someone needs is a listening ear and a warm smile. I have learned to understand that everyone doesn't always want my advice, help, or presence. It doesn't mean they don't like me or are rejecting me. It is sometimes more effective and helpful to just listen than to actively help or solve the problem. It is not selfish to share an opinion, make a decision, or prefer to not want to hang out for a night. It is okay to say "no".
There is a reason flight attendants ask to take care of your own oxygen mask first before helping your neighbor. I don't know about you, but I struggle with asking for help. It's a strange thing, because I find myself daily asking God for help quite easily. When it comes to other people, I find it difficult.
It's not because I feel like it's weak. For me, it's because I don't want to inconvenience people. I don't want to burden others with my requests or needs. I don't want to depend on someone. I don't want to distract them from their passions or mission or task. I sometimes don't like asking for help, because there are times I know 'I can' do it myself and don't want it to seem like I'm not capable or being lazy. However, as a helper, I enjoy when others depend on me and ask me for help.....Hmm. This got me thinking.....
Remembering, that self-care and asking for help doesn't mean you are weak or selfish, has helped me learn to ask for help more. I realized I find it easier to ask for help in the simple things of life, but find it challenging to ask for the big things.
As a Special Education teacher, I help advocate for my students. I practice and teach them how to ask for help and learn to build the confidence enough to self-advocate. Practice what you preach! I have to learn from the things I tell them too. I, too, have to remember to ask for help sometimes. It is okay. It is needed. It is natural. I am learning to trust in a whole new way as I learn to ask for help for the big things. It always surprises me how simple it is to ask. How willing others are to help. It always surprises me how people WANT to help. Learning to just let them is so important. I'm a work in progress, but I have come far....
As being part of the Body of Christ, we all have a part. We all have a different purpose. I hope I can continue to learn to ask for help when it's needed. To realize that self-care isn't weak or selfish. To believe that the community and fellowship I have in Christ is a gift and blessing. To remember that the people that surround me for such a time as this are precious and want to help me. To remember to just ask!
Don't do this life alone- Simply ASK !
Exodus 18:14-15, 17-18
"When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, “What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?....... Moses’ father-in-law said to him, ‘What you are doing is not good. You will surely wear yourself out, both you and these people with you. For the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone."
I've been talking a lot with friends recently about God's purpose and plan for our lives. I listened to a sermon online today and the Pastor spoke about who are the people God uses. Many things he said resonated with me today. I was reminded of some truths we so easily forget as followers of Jesus.
1. God's plan is best. 2. The process may be painful and hard, yet He sustains us. 3. Sometimes He just asks us to decide, because His Spirit leads us. 4. There is no better place to be than in the will and purpose of God. 5. God uses us- despite our imperfections and sins.
Sometimes I wonder if I make a difference at all. Would people notice if I wasn't there? As an MK growing up and now in the community I live in: people are transforming villages, rescuing children, spreading the good news to the lost, building churches, translating the Bible, helping the sick, leading schools...... and I'm making Google Classroom videos and crying over lack of internet ? Umm, excuse me Lord? Am I really being used for Your purpose? People can be intimidating in their calling. But that's exactly it- that's THEIR calling, not mine. God doesn't want us just imitating others. He wants us to imitate and follow HIM. Some days I feel like I can give so much more of the talents the Lord has given me, yet I can barely get out of bed in the morning to attend a staff meeting. Sometimes I wonder if my calling was lost. If my passions disappeared... Am I really serving Him and making a difference by simply showing up to work in the morning and possibly emailing parents, grading papers, calming down a student and laminating documents? The simple answer is YES. God uses ordinary people and jobs.
Maybe you feel similar. Maybe you are a stay-at-home mom and never imagined it to be so hard and lonely. Maybe you imagined your life to be very different by the time you were 30. Maybe you are in a country that you never expected, but can't do the things you came to do. Maybe you are in a comfortable job and enjoy your coworkers, but still feel empty and lost inside...... Are we following Jesus or just asking Him to protect and bless us?
The Holy Spirit really shook me this weekend. He reminded me that His light never goes out. He is always working through me. Despite my failures, weaknesses, and blindness- He is working. He is using ME. His purpose for this season is for me to email parents, organize schedules, teach students, laminate documents, make videos...... He didn't make a mistake in this plan. He is preparing me for what is next. He is moulding me to be a humble servant.
So, if you are wondering what on earth God has in store for you- don't lose HOPE. If you are scared about the unknown. If you are worried if God is using the mundane activities of your life...... trust the Holy Spirit leading. God has you EXACTLY where He meant for you to be. He has you learning the things you need to learn. He has beautiful plans ahead. We worry ourselves away in thinking we could be doing something better. Why would we ever want to doubt where the Lord has placed us?
We never truly know who we impact anyway. God places us in seasons to teach us to love Him and His people more in the place He puts us. I believe this season I'm in is to learn that there is NO better place to be than to be in the plan and purpose of the Lord. He knows best. He also knows our desires and passions. Our time will come. We just have to wait for His spirit to lead us.
I would not want to be doing ANYTHING else or be ANYWHERE else ! There is no better place than to be following my Jesus. I want to go where Jesus goes, not just ask him to bless my life and dreams. Go where His spirit leads. There truly is no better place to live.
Submit to the Holy Spirit which comes from within and He will lead you on the path to Holiness.
The mystery of God's love. Coming down to Earth to save the lost. Dying on a cross and being raised to eternal life to take away the sins of the world. What love is this? It is a mystery the world may laugh at, but it is the exact mystery this desperate world needs. We need love like that. We need mysteries we can't comprehend fully. We need God to show us He is capable of the impossible.
Our world is messy. We are messy. We need powerful mysteries to help us continue to lean on Christ. Otherwise, I'd definitely think I wouldn't need Him. Life would be too 'easy' if I knew what tomorrow had in store and if I knew where I'd be in 2022. There is no fun in knowing everything. It ruins our trust. It ruins our ability to lean fully on Christ. I think God protects us by not telling us. There would be no mystery to His goodness and His Name. If we knew all His plans, it would make it extremely hard for us humans to fully trust Him.....we would think we don't need Him.
This has challenged me recently, with all the unknown and constant change around me, to reflect on when I walk most closely with God. I am a flexible person that has learned to adapt to the environment I'm in. I'm also calm when crisis hits. These qualities are helpful, however make me reflect just how much I do or don't rely on Christ.
It's easy to call on Jesus when we are desperate, hurt, someone's sick, we lost our job, and things are not the way we want them to be. Do we call on Him when everything is fine? Do we rely on Him when the future is clearer and I may know where I'm going? Of course, nothing is wrong with calling on God more when we are in need of His mercy, miracles, and power. He sometimes wants us to go through these bumps and hurdles so we are able to focus fully on Him again. These trials and tests are good for us to refocus and fall on our knees. Yet, I wanted to challenge myself by thinking a little deeper. Do I only really pray when I need Him or feel alone?
I've been reading through the book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah is known as the 'weeping prophet'. He lived through a dark time in history and we can learn a lot of lessons from him. He was all alone and not even his family was listening to him. The most important lessons I've learned through reading this book are that of repentance and God's faithfulness. God is a God of love and forgiveness. It's a mystery to me how He loves us knowing our sins, words, and actions.
Through the mess and the constant change of 2020- God remains the same. He is constant. He remains. He knows our future. He promised it in Jeremiah, the famous passage, Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We never keep reading.... the context of this verse makes it all the more powerful!
Verse 12 says : "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
His mystery continues. He rebuilds. He promises. He keeps His promises.
So, I'm learning to completely fall in the arms of Jesus. To fully rely on Him- Not just when a pandemic hits and I find myself in a mess of uncertainty and angst, but no matter what. I want to be more like Him. I want to seek Him with all my heart always. Remember, God is a God of mystery and He knows our mess. He knows your tomorrows and your aching desires and hurts. Let's trust Him through it and continue to trust Him when things are less messy.....
I am writing this from my own experience and feelings. Know that every situation and adoptee has their very own story to share. "Gotcha Day" is actually quite painful and can bring back a lot of trauma for adopted kids. What I write is from my own experience, I never mean for my words to generalize what adoption is like. We all have our own stories to share.
July 4th- My Gotcha Day !
It's a special day. I was adopted. Chosen. Brought Home.
Typically, Gotcha Day is the day a child was brought home.
I am forever grateful for my family. The miracles that brought me to them are many and direct proof that our God is alive and working. We should expect miracles. He is a God of them.
I definitely have days where I wonder: "Why me, Lord?" Why did I get this opportunity to have a family and a home and a life of opportunity and blessing? So many others did not get that. So many others were not brought into a family. So many others didn't get a family like mine.
This burden grows as I get older. I have had to learn to fully trust the Lord's great love for His people. Not just for me. He deeply cares for His creation. He knew I needed my family. I can't fully live this life if I continue to wonder why I got this blessed and lucky. He has given me this life so I better use it to glorify Him everyday and make the most of my days.
Rejection and abandonment run through many adoptees veins. Maybe it does for you too- adopted or not. I've always felt gratitude for this life I've been given, but I've also felt an unexplained abandonment. Almost like it's built inside of me. This makes sense if you think about it. Babies in the womb begin to feel attachment throughout a mother's pregnancy. Even though I was adopted so young and have no childhood memories of my birth family, I still spent those months developing in my birth mom's womb.... and the range of emotions during her pregnancy must have been extreme as I imagine they are anyway for someone pregnant. Thank you Amma for being so brave. I hope you feel inside of you years later that I'm more than okay in this world. That I'm taken care of and loved. Thank you for being brave for me.
Sometimes people don't always know what to say either and I don't blame them- since everyone reacts differently to their own adoption anyway:
"Your parents aren't really your parents." "You probably don't feel like you belong with the family you have now." "You don't look anything like them. That must be hard." "You could never really be a Leonard." "How does being adopted feel?" "Do you ever want to meet your birth family?" "Do you even feel Indian?" "Do the Indians accept you?" "The medical papers at the hospital must be hard to fill out for you, huh?" "You have no family medical history- that's sad." "It's probably easier for you since you don't know anything about your birth family though, right?"
I've had people over the years say or ask these things to me. I've always had to step back and realize they just care and love me, but find it awkward to know how to ask the best questions. They don't realize these comments and questions are probably not helpful. I actually rarely get offended by comments to do with adoption. I am more concerned about educating people about adoption in any way I can- in general. I'm most concerned about making sure fellow adoptees know that extreme unexplainable emotions may occur, but they will be okay. That they need to seek the help they need to process well and feel accepted and loved. Yes, my birth parents gave me up. Yes, I look nothing like my family. Yes, I have no clue about my birth family and their medical history. Yes, there are feelings I get that I can't quite explain sometimes about understanding adoption. I have a deep sense of grief sometimes with no real understanding behind it. Being adopted isn't a feeling though. It's a lot more than that. Yet, most of the time- I don't even remember I am adopted! This is my life! The Leonard's ARE my family. Yes, my birth parents gave me up. However, how dare someone think they didn't or don't love me. A dear friend once told me, "Sumi, it shows great love for someone to give their kid up for adoption. It shows they wanted a 'better' life for you because they were not at the place or in the right situation to keep you and take care of you the way they wanted. That's LOVE."
I will never forget the understanding I felt when hearing those words. It is beautiful to think about. I may never meet or know anything about my birth family, but wow do I pray for them and know the Lord is loving them too. He cares for us all. He is working behind the scenes. What a blessing I get to be part of God's family to be able to pray and have His presence and peace cover the unexplainable.
The sting of abandonment is a real thing. It lingers like the smell of rotten food. It's what you do with the feeling and lingering smell that either makes or breaks you. I have never had those moments of realizing I'm a lot like my brother or my hair is like my mom's or my talent for something 'runs in the family' or is genetic. I get stared at like crazy when with my family- no matter what country I live in. Sometimes I feel like an alien when grocery shopping with them because of others shocked expressions. Come on people, we live in 2020, figure it out. Adoption isn't uncommon.
I've chosen time and time again to not let the lies of the devil overwhelm my heart and thoughts. It's so important to push away those lies of not belonging or rejection (adopted or not!). Don't believe those lies. YOU are accepted. YOU are chosen. YOU are loved. YOU are loved by a King.
I'm forever grateful for my family. Forever grateful for being a part of God's family. My parents have never once made me feel like an outcast or not part of them. My brother is a gem. And my family is my family! I've never felt abandoned from them. It's the rest of the world I have to be careful dealing with. It's the devil's lies I have to continually push aside and stomp on. I'm thankful to the Lord for bringing me into the Leonard family. What a true gift. What an amazing life I get to live! God is just so kind. "Adopting one child won't change the world; but for that child the world will change."
Thanks Mum and Dad for listening to the Lord's still small voice and obeying Him. Thank you for loving me no matter what- like your own. Thank you for fighting for me from day 1 and giving me a home. I'm overwhelmed with how loved I feel everyday. Thank you. It's my Gotcha Day and the Leonard's should be celebrated. :)
Our God is a God of great great things. At my high school graduation, we sang the song Look What God Has Done For Us by Graham Kendrick.
Read the lyrics:
"Look what God has done for us
Over all the years we've shared
Ever since the day
He joined our flick'ring
Lights into one flame
Look at all the lives He's changed
By His grace we're not the same
All the fruit that's grown
All that's yet to come
Look what God has done
And his love goes on and on forever
Look at all we've shared in Him
Joy and laughter, tears and pain
Grace to carry on
When days were dark
And all our strength was gone
Look at all the prayers He's heard
All the times He's proved His word
Blessings on our homes
Children that have grown
Look what God has done
And his love goes on and on forever
Freely we have all received
Freely we must also give
Thinking of the price
He paid that we might
Be His very own
Born for such a time as this
Chosen for the harvest years
We have just begun
The best is yet to come
Look what God has done
And his love goes on and on forever"
The end of this unusual school year has brought me to remember those lyrics. As a teacher, this has definitely been the most challenging season I've ever had. No contact with my students and not getting to plan a class party and celebrate while watching a movie or reminiscing about the school year together is devastating. Watching students resilience and strength throughout this time has helped me think about when I have no words, no strength, and no control. There are so many things happening in our world right now far worse than school being closed. People are alone. People are depressed. People are sick. People are dying. People are hurting. People are angry. People are grieving. People are scared.
When you have no strength- who do you turn to?
When you have no words- who do you turn to?
When you have no control- who do you turn to?
Isaiah 26: 3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal."
God has done great things. Don't ever doubt it. He will keep doing them. I definitely need HIM every moment of everyday. I need to learn to continue to focus on Him and let the joy of knowing Him and believing in Him bring me strength. The days aren't easy, but wow is His presence real and His courts the place I want to be.
Nehemiah 8:10b "Do not grieve, for the JOY of the Lord is your strength."
God isn't finished yet. He is working. He is healing. He is comforting, He is guiding. He is just.
I've been reflecting on the end of this unusual school year. This will be the end of my 4th year living and working in Cambodia. Wow! God has been SO faithful in answering so many prayers and fulfilling so many dreams of mine since moving here. The Lord sees all things. He knows our futures. He calms our restless hearts. He always provides what we need in His timing.
During these devastating times where our world is so broken...... Even in the brokenness, I choose to trust Him and praise Him. I've been reflecting on this beautiful country I get the privilege of adding to my 'home' list...... I think we sometimes forget the beauty right in front of us. The adventures everyday. The beautiful smiling people all around. The culture that reminds me exactly of why I wanted to return to Asia again. Every day isn't easy. I was just telling someone how some days are a drag and I wonder why God placed me here while other days I'm overjoyed by the fact I get this blessed life. I have SO much. God protects me everyday on my crazy fast moto as I whizz around town. Why is it we so easily forget to look at the little things?The Lord isn't finished yet. He is working. He never stops. He is a promise keeper.He is a God of Great Things even in the midst of chaos. Enjoy some pictures below of beautiful Cambodia! What a vibrant fun place to live.
Lastly, I included a song by Phil Wickham called Great Things. I encourage you to come to the Lord and recognize all the GREAT THINGS He has done this season. I hope I never forget all the great things the Lord has already done and will continue to do.
All Photo Credit: To my gorgeous friend Bec Kime :) (Taken in the last few years at different times)
Tin Roof tops of Market
Family Moto ride (normal)
Bugs? Anyone?
Veggie buying time
Nice views
Russian Market
Intricate architecture
River front
Traffic as usual
Bravery at its best :)
Beautiful!
City rooftop views
Houses on stilts
Cows!
Market Place
Sookie (from Gilmore Girls!) my Suzuki :) Love my Moto !
Photo Credit: my wonderful friend ChanSeng
I feel like I'm floating ....... I feel like a walking-talking- faux pas.....
'HOME' during COVID-19
What a strange season we are in. I feel like the days and weeks are floating by. There is time to think- so I've realized how many slip ups a day happen due to embarrassing things I do or say. Or due to the fact I don't have one culture. I can so easily become a 'know-it-all' as my life is so much an in-between of so many places. The Lord is teaching me humility for sure. Most people have multiple homes in their lifetime. Home is where my people are at! It's where I live. I am able to adapt fast to love the place I live in. It still doesn't make the idea of 'home' any easier for me to wrap my mind around though..... Most people are from a place, whereas I'm just floating and hovering between many.
I’ve felt this odd sense of envy for those that have a
‘home’during this Covid-19 season. Again, don't get me wrong, I know just because someone has a permanent home doesn't mean it's amazing and a place they love. But I do wonder what it feels like for those that are patriotic and view their home countries as a safe
haven. For those that so easily boast about their home’s food, stores, medical
care, education system …. the list goes on…. Nothing is wrong with these things I'm just saying I've never felt a strong connection to one place- ever. Treasure it.
I’ve been reflecting a lot about the concept of ‘home’
especially during this pandemic. It’s been interesting for someone like me to
see so many people view their countries decisions with great respect or with
complete slander and ridicule. I guess I’ve never had ONE place that is truly
home where I have a sense of pride towards or a sense of patriotism in. I’ve
never felt that. I think it’s a beautiful thing to get the privilege of
feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my life of cultures and know I’m
beyond grateful for everything given to me and provided for me. However, the sense of belonging or a simple
answer of “Where’s home for you?” is impossible.
Some say that’s a blessing as I’ve had this adventurous life
traveling places. Others say that’s a curse as I do feel uprooted constantly. I
believe some days I love it all and other days I’m envious of people with a
simple answer to simple questions. In my immediate family alone are 3 places
(all dear to my heart in different ways): American, Dutch, Indian. I may have
an American accent and wear western clothing, but wow am I not seen as American
in America. I remember crying at Wegmans trying to choose what type of cereal
to buy. Why on earth were there 50 options? The same goes for any of these places. I may look Indian and have
features of a West Bengali, but wow am I no Indian when with them. I can’t cook
curry well and I don’t speak fluent anything.... I feel embarrassed around my own kind. Lastly, I don’t even have to comment
with the Dutch as I’m clearly not Dutch in any shape or form. Haha.
It's made me think of Jesus and His time here on Earth. He was an outcast. Hung out with sinners. Cared about people that no one else did. Sent people who no one else would have thought of sending. Chose disciples who were ordinary people. He chose to be different. He wasn't embarrassed. He challenged culture and people around Him. He didn't let what others said stop Him from doing what He was asked to do, yet He always chose to Love.
With this pandemic, I’ve noticed people are so easily drawn
to the safety of their ‘home’. The comforts- the security found in passport
country- the hope found in laws that work for them. I guess I’ve never really
thought this much about the concept of home before. ONE country has never been
‘home’. I know mission kids and TCK’s may think similar thoughts about the word
‘home’ or “where they are from?” or feel most accepted …… however, there is a
whole layer added though due to me being adopted. I have this sense of
attachment to my birthplace without ever truly feeling belonging there as much
as I miss India every day. Basically, without my faith- I’d be SUCH a mess. I've always been a deep thinker and when there is so much time to think these days it's been a challenge just to stop.
It’s an interesting realization when the News is exploding
with countries decisions and which lock-down procedure is the most effective and
which leader is doing a good job and which one isn’t. Sometimes I think we forget who holds the world. Who controls it. Why we are here. Who we are here for? Whom shall we fear? Even with all this strange, I hope I can draw closer to Him each day. I hope I can know deep down He is Home. I can rest in His presence forever.
1 Corinthians 14:33 a "For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace....."
Through the floating feeling of not belonging anywhere and the faux pas all around as I live between these places and cultures and messes- I've realized there really is no better place to be but to be in His courts. With Him. Everything I do and say is known to Him. He knows us. I need to give my floating days to Him. He knows the feeling. He knows everything.
