A floating faux pas

I feel like I'm floating ....... I feel like a walking-talking- faux pas..... 

'HOME' during COVID-19 

What a strange season we are in. I feel like the days and weeks are floating by. There is time to think- so I've realized how many slip ups a day happen due to embarrassing things I do or say. Or due to the fact I don't have one culture. I can so easily become a 'know-it-all' as my life is so much an in-between of so many places. The Lord is teaching me humility for sure. Most people have multiple homes in their lifetime. Home is where my people are at! It's where I live. I am able to adapt fast to love the place I live in. It still doesn't make the idea of 'home' any easier for me to wrap my mind around though..... Most people are from a place, whereas I'm just floating and hovering between many.

I’ve felt this odd sense of envy for those that have a ‘home’during this Covid-19 season. Again, don't get me wrong, I know just because someone has a permanent home doesn't mean it's amazing and a place they love. But I do wonder what it feels like for those that are patriotic and view their home countries as a safe haven. For those that so easily boast about their home’s food, stores, medical care, education system …. the list goes on…. Nothing is wrong with these things I'm just saying I've never felt a strong connection to one place- ever. Treasure it.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about the concept of ‘home’ especially during this pandemic. It’s been interesting for someone like me to see so many people view their countries decisions with great respect or with complete slander and ridicule. I guess I’ve never had ONE place that is truly home where I have a sense of pride towards or a sense of patriotism in. I’ve never felt that. I think it’s a beautiful thing to get the privilege of feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my life of cultures and know I’m beyond grateful for everything given to me and provided for me. However, the sense of belonging or a simple answer of “Where’s home for you?” is impossible.

Some say that’s a blessing as I’ve had this adventurous life traveling places. Others say that’s a curse as I do feel uprooted constantly. I believe some days I love it all and other days I’m envious of people with a simple answer to simple questions. In my immediate family alone are 3 places (all dear to my heart in different ways): American, Dutch, Indian. I may have an American accent and wear western clothing, but wow am I not seen as American in America. I remember crying at Wegmans trying to choose what type of cereal to buy. Why on earth were there 50 options? The same goes for any of these places. I may look Indian and have features of a West Bengali, but wow am I no Indian when with them. I can’t cook curry well and I don’t speak fluent anything.... I feel embarrassed around my own kind. Lastly, I don’t even have to comment with the Dutch as I’m clearly not Dutch in any shape or form. Haha. 

It's made me think of Jesus and His time here on Earth. He was an outcast. Hung out with sinners. Cared about people that no one else did. Sent people who no one else would have thought of sending. Chose disciples who were ordinary people. He chose to be different. He wasn't embarrassed. He challenged culture and people around Him. He didn't let what others said stop Him from doing what He was asked to do, yet He always chose to Love.

With this pandemic, I’ve noticed people are so easily drawn to the safety of their ‘home’. The comforts- the security found in passport country- the hope found in laws that work for them. I guess I’ve never really thought this much about the concept of home before. ONE country has never been ‘home’. I know mission kids and TCK’s may think similar thoughts about the word ‘home’ or “where they are from?” or feel most accepted …… however, there is a whole layer added though due to me being adopted. I have this sense of attachment to my birthplace without ever truly feeling belonging there as much as I miss India every day. Basically, without my faith- I’d be SUCH a mess. I've always been a deep thinker and when there is so much time to think these days it's been a challenge just to stop.

It’s an interesting realization when the News is exploding with countries decisions and which lock-down procedure is the most effective and which leader is doing a good job and which one isn’t. Sometimes I think we forget who holds the world. Who controls it. Why we are here. Who we are here for? Whom shall we fear? Even with all this strange, I hope I can draw closer to Him each day. I hope I can know deep down He is Home. I can rest in His presence forever.

1 Corinthians 14:33 a "For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace....." 

Through the floating feeling of not belonging anywhere and the faux pas all around as I live between these places and cultures and messes- I've realized there really is no better place to be but to be in His courts. With Him. Everything I do and say is known to Him. He knows us. I need to give my floating days to Him. He knows the feeling. He knows everything.

Hidden hurts

Here are just some thoughts I've been pondering recently:

If we were told all things.... We wouldn't trust God. Would we? Our God is mysterious. He doesn't want us to know everything or else we'd think we don't need Him. I am grateful He doesn't write things in the sky even though sometimes I pray for clarity and answers like that.

The 'even though' or 'what if' moments in life are hard. They can strangle us. They can bring us great sorrow and into despair. I am grateful He knows the desires of my heart. He knows Me.
Even though I couldn't properly say goodbye to friends and students, yet I will celebrate the Lord.

You never know what someone else is going through. Be gentle. Don't presume. It's so easy to compare from what we see. But we all have hidden hurts. Hidden stories. Hidden wounds that are still yet to be healed fully. I am grateful for my story and what the Lord has brought me through. 

We are living in a strange and unusual season right now. I know of some people going through some of these 'maybes' so be mindful and BE GENTLE to each other. I need to remember to be gentle as we all have hidden hurts.

Maybe the single friend who seems to get naps in and extra hobby time is longing for a partner and a family of their own.....

Maybe the active mom with 6 kids and posts epic Insta's is depressed and can't seem to catch her breath or keep up....

Maybe the young couple who seem giddy have been praying for a child for years......

Maybe the old man who's always helpful and kind grieves his past everyday.....

Maybe the young couple who just had their first child is craving for family and friends to be near.....

Maybe the joyful teenager hides behind being an extrovert and boasting about 10 zoom calls and online game times, but he suffers from anxiety and being alone.....

Maybe your introvert neighbor right now, is struggling more than ever during this season of being alone even though usually she loves quiet space and time.......

Maybe the hard working student is lost with endless cancelled plans and exams.......

Maybe everyone is hurting and struggling. Maybe we all need to remember we all have hidden hurts.

So, don't presume you know just cuz someone 'looks' to be having a great time or a free schedule or amazing positive posts on social media. They may be hurting more than you know.

Be gentle. We are called to LOVE all. We are not called to compare. We are not called to know it all. We are not called to judge. So LOVE.

Our God is a God of Mystery. Our life is full of mystery. If I knew it all.... Would I trust Him? Or just replace my worry with something else to worry about....

Sometimes the unknown leads us to fall on bended knees and cry out for help. Sometimes I want God to bring clarity and answers written in the sky for me. Yet, He chooses to let me trust Him more and more each time.

Our future is so secure. It's so secure if we seek Him and trust Him. He holds it. He holds us. God never promised an easy life, yet He promised a life with Him as our Help. Our Guide. Our shelter. Our holder of all things hidden. Give those hidden hurts to Him today. Let Him help.

I'm choosing to celebrate and rejoice even through the hard times.

Psalm 34:10: "....Those who seek the Lord, lack no good thing." 

Those hidden hurts they will be healed. Your Father knows each hurt. Seek Him.

Trust Him. Call out to Him. He may be a God of mystery, but He's also a God of joy, power, compassion, and sovereignty.

Will you look up?

LOOK UP

Through this mess- He is able.

Through this hurt- He is with you.

Through this pain- He is beside you.

Through this heartbreak- He is healing.

Through this uncertainty- He is Hope.

Through the silence- He is speaking.

Through the chaos- He is Peace.

He is LORD of ALL. Trust Him.

Give all you worries and fears to Him this season. LOOK UP. He is ALL we need.

Isaiah 46:9
"Remember the former things, those of long ago;
    I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like me."

"LOOK UP, Child. I am right with you through this storm. Trust me."

Together- Yet Alone

What a crazy time to be alive! We are together in this- yet so alone. 
I needed to be reminded that we are never alone though. We have each other more than ever. I don't think I've ever 'connected' online so well and so much with friends across the world at this time.

Worship. Worship is not just songs and music. It is an overall lifestyle choice. We can worship at every moment of our day. It is an attitude. An act from the heart. Music and song are so important during times like these- when we are all a lot quieter than normal. He gives us hope when hope is gone. This season sucks already, but remember perspective. It is okay to not be okay- like my last post on a God of all emotions. It is okay to feel completely alone. However, it is important to remember to be kind and gain perspective at this unusual time. Let worship through song overwhelm you as you are home.....

If you are sitting at home in quarantine bored out of your mind, craving for people, longing for community... or maybe you just lost your job and are wondering what on earth you are supposed to do to support your family and survive this year? or you are home in quarantine with 6 kids fighting over the WIFI access as they have to have a strong connection for their online school work and you are running from kid to kid helping as well as cooking, cleaning, and making sure everyone is safe and well...... We ALL need each other at this time. Be gentle in understanding each others circumstances and that we are all under different types of stress. We all long for connection no matter the circumstance. Now is not the time to compare. Now is not the time to be selfish.

We ALL need song. We ALL need community. We ALL need each other..... I've been reminded during this crazy season- that we need people. Fellowship is a human craving. We desire connection. I don't care if you are a natural introvert or extrovert. We desire community. Don't let this season of quiet rob you of joy and peace. Community is just going to look a whole lot different these next few months. We all have to accept that. We all have to still worship in the midst of it all. We may be together- yet alone right now but always remember the Lord is close to the broken-hearted. Perspective is so important during these days.... This uncertain season- This too shall pass. 

I love these songs because the lyrics are powerful. There is nothing better than Jesus. Jesus is working even when we can't see it or feel it. He is in control. He is with us. His peace is real. Let's lift up in song together- no matter how you feel- bring it all to Jesus. He calls us as we are. "Come", He says.

A God of all emotions

So .... life has been crazy these past few days. Almost every email I receive has been a change in schedule, someone is leaving, or a student wanting to Google Hangout call due to anxiety and stress..... Schools across the world are struggling as leaders have to make big and hard decisions. Families across the world are wrestling with children at home and possibly unemployment. Through all this chaos in the world, God is still on the Throne. He is still Sovereign. He is still God.

God is also a God of all emotions though. It IS okay to be devastated, sad, hurt, confused, upset, angry. It's okay to be sad when people leave and goodbye parties can't happen. It's okay to not even know how you feel or be able to express the deep disappointment and sadness about a situation.  It's okay to be frustrated when doubt and fear overwhelm and the uncertainty of what is next overtakes. It's okay to be hurting and heart-broken for the sick, your family, your neighbors, your community, your school, your friends, the vulnerable, the elderly, your specific situation, for the world..... Those are feelings the Lord gave you. It's how we react to these sudden horrible things in our lives right now that is the testament. Whom shall we fear?

I am definitely someone who cries. When I was little, I used to cry if I spilled my milk by accident, or dropped a plate. As I grew older, I cried about friends quarreling or being disappointed about something. Recently, I can literally cry for NO reason at all some days. Haha.

In times of crisis, we need to remember that emotions are good. Crying is normal. Be gracious to yourself during chaos and trouble. Emotions- They show we care. They show we hurt. They show we are human. Fear, however, is from the devil. Don't allow it to overtake. Emotions- Above all, they show we need Jesus. We need God. We can't do this alone. It's impossible. With God, ALL things. ALL emotions, are possible.

Romans 8:26-27
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."

I am grateful the Spirit helps me with my weakness. It's hard not being selfish right now. I hope we can all unite together in our sadness to help each other and encourage. Not to ruin more and to cause more hurt. I pray we can be gentle during this time of crisis. I pray we can be gentle to our emotions and how different they are at this time. I pray we can be gentle to ourselves too. We have a God of all emotions. He holds us. He holds our world. Whom shall we fear? What shall we fear?

A God of all emotions. Thank you God. 

In moments like these ......

I hope to be writing some shorter blog posts throughout this social-distancing and teaching online season we are all going through. So, if you are interested in following along- PLEASE save my blogspot site and read as I post new posts......

I was reminded today of an old song my mom used to sing in worship services at church: In Moments Like These. The lyrics are copied below:

"In moments like these I sing out a song
I sing out a love song to Jesus
In moments like these I lift up my hands
I lift up my hands to the Lord
Singing I love You, Lord
Singing I love You, Lord
Singing I love You, Lord
I love You"

Even though I know this season isn't just a moment, I hope this song can bring peace to your soul. I know it feels like a never-ending uncertainty right now about what could or will happen. At times when uncertainty and uncharted waters become reality, as believers, we need to cling onto Jesus even more. We need to lift up our Hands and sing praises. We need to declare His love. We need to shine His light among the nations. We need to seek Him. We need to look to Him instead of the news we read or listen to.

I've been through many unknown seasons in my life. Every time I face an unknown, I tend to panic and fall into my sinful human nature and try to figure things out on my own. I tend to isolate myself from those I love the most. I tend to seek everything and anything else instead of God's truth and wisdom found in His Word. Why? I keep learning the SAME lesson. Over and over and over again.
I need MORE Jesus....... Less Sumi.

I hope during this uncertain and probably disappointment after disappointment filled season- we can unite together as believers across the world and seek Jesus. Look to Him for grace each day. Look to Him as the news gets more terrifying. Look to Jesus. He holds the world. He holds our nations. He holds our families and loved ones. He holds your heart. He really is in control amidst the sorrow and madness. In the storm, He is peace. Let Peace overwhelm YOU this season.

Will you trust Him in moments like these?

Your Name is Above

Jesus is ABOVE all. 

His Name is above all feelings. 

His Name is above all circumstances. 

His Name is above all disorders.

He loves us no matter what. 

I have realized this month that even through my selfishness and pride, He will still carry me. He still loves me when I feel weak and doubt. He reminds me of His faithfulness and His miracles.
I've been reminded in my Bible Study recently that through our weakness, He is strong. His strength is always with us. We just need to reach out and take it. 

Maybe you are reading this and are having a difficult time understanding what God is doing in your life right now. Maybe you are doubting or confused like me. Maybe you are hurting and unsure how to move forward in many areas of your life. Maybe you feel beyond repair. I urge you to never give up hope. I serve a God who performs miracles. He cares so deeply for us. We have a God who stays. He runs in our direction. He opens His arms wide. Nothing we have ever done can separate us. We are already free. We are already His. Rest in the hope that we have in Jesus. My chaos, confusion, hurt, weakness and pride are not too much for God. His strength is enough. He is enough. I need to start really believing that myself. It is so easy to write and speak about but a different story to follow and believe sometimes. I'm learning. Believe what the Lord says about us. Trust Him.

I was reminded of many miracles that the Lord has done in my life. This song came to mind. It talks about how we are all living, breathing, walking miracles. I'm glad the Lord brings peace when we sit still with Him and place our burdens at His feet. He cares. Deeply. I feel refreshed just listening to these lyrics and remembering how far I've come. All thanks to Jesus. Your Name, Jesus, is Above all. Praise the Lord!