"Are you really okay?"

If you are reading this- just know there are a lot of thoughts here. If you're anything like me, verbally processing or journaling and reflecting really helps me get back to the focus: Jesus. 

I had a dear friend call me over the weekend and the first thing said was, "Sometimes I just want a hug, Sumi." My heart broke a little just hearing that. With all this social distancing and being cautious and safe we have forgotten that as humans we are in need of positive touch (if you like it or not). We are in need of human contact.

My students are so resilient and learning to just roll with it and keep going. However, there are adults who are not coping well in this season as it feels unending. Not sustainable.

I think we need to encourage more than compare our own 'hardship'. "Online sucks" or "COVID sucks", I think we have decided that already so now let's move on and learn ways to help each other cope through this - what seems like an unending season. Or help each other to pick up the pieces and begin getting back to what 'normal' can look like again....

My friend who just longed for a hug reminded me that many feel just like this. They feel alone. It's really not all about emotions and feelings though. It's also about a lack of positive contact and touch. Due to the pandemic, there are people living completely alone and without human contact for many months. Many of us are running on crisis mode for a long time now too. We keep saying the 'end is in sight' and 'this too shall pass'. I strongly believe it will, of course. All hard seasons and even world crises come to an end but they shape us. They change us. They alter what's ahead. They break us a little inside. They may break you completely. In the moment, there is a lot of hurt and pain. But what comes after is pure beauty. We have to learn to wait and see. I'm not so good at that part.... 

Many people may be feeling similar thoughts but find it difficult to voice them or think, well at least I have it better than so-and-so...... This is not always a good coping mechanism. Yes, I know MANY MANY millions have it worse than anyone reading this (and myself especially!) but we need to accept our situation, whatever it may look like and live with it. We need to live so we can help others and we can serve well. Learn to empathize well, pray often, and also learn to understand what you are feeling and why. You can't serve or help if you are burnt out and have nothing to give anymore. So take care of YOU during these months of whatever is going on in your life..... 

Comparison really kills. I didn't realize I needed the assurance that it was okay not to be okay and I wasn't expected to be better or do more or feel chipper EVERY moment of the day because I have 'more time' or 'don't have kids' or live an 'easier' life right now.

Phew. I'm so glad God never compares us. He made us just the way we are. I am in need of Him daily to remember this life isn't home. I do need to be thankful and grateful for all the things I do have. I can live to glorify His name and serve Him and boast about Him and His goodness - nothing else. It says in 1 Corinthians 1:31, if you want to boast, boast only about the Lord. 

So, no matter what stage of life you are in or season of life you are in- remember that the Lord embraces you. He is right there with you in the mess and joys. He is near even when He is silent. He is working even when we don't see it or feel it. 

I have a couple more weeks in this beautiful place: Cambodia. My heart doesn't really know how to respond to the transition ahead, yet I know the Lord provides a path and He goes before us into whatever He calls us into. It's the best place to be: His will, not mine. If you know anything about me, you'll know I am an emotional person. I'm learning though that this isn't a sign of weakness and that I'm not just a fragile mess, but that I can use my big emotions to encourage or help others with theirs. Goodbyes are hard, yet they remind us that this is not our home and the Lord isn't finished yet.

Even though I currently wonder what place could be as amazing as the life I've lived here and what season could be as precious as this one..... I know He plans the best for us all. It's odd when people say: "Aren't you excited to go home?" Living between so many worlds and in so many cultures means that I 'start over' many times. I'm not HOME until He calls me home to Heaven. I'm both excited and terrified to see what unfolds in the next few months. I have to boast in Him and trust Him. My arms are open wide for all the things the Lord has. I'm diving in. 

My next blog will be a farewell to Cambodia so make sure you come back and read it ........ I'll write a few of my favourite memories and some great things about this beautiful place I get to call one of my many homes!

Jeremiah 9:23-24

This is what the Lord says:

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom

    or the strong boast of their strength

    or the rich boast of their riches,

 but let the one who boasts boast about this:

    that they have the understanding to know me,

that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,

    justice and righteousness on earth,

    for in these I delight,”

declares the Lord."

One Thing Remains

I finally have some time to write again. It's been a while. We just got done with camp week at school and I've realized just how blessed I am to be here in Cambodia during these crazy times. I cannot imagine what many are going through around the world with tight restrictions and lockdowns. I won't pretend to know what it's really like because I have no idea. My heart particularly goes out to those who are alone and desperate for an end-in-sight and for those that are suffering physically, emotionally, and mentally. I pray for God's presence to overwhelm and continue to be made known covering our world. 

I just want to share some things I've been learning and processing. I had the amazing opportunity to help lead the Primary camp this year. Our four Bible points of the week were:

God has the power to provide. 
God has the power to comfort.
God has the power to heal. 
God has the power to forgive. 

As I prepared each day, I recognized my own need to hear these truths. My own need to HOLD ON to Him. It's funny when you are asked to lead something for others and serve, most times it's ourselves that need the message the most. I REALLY needed these reminders. Such simple truths about God's mighty power, yet through a year like this one...... they can so easily be forgotten. 

I've also been processing a lot as I begin this transition period of moving out of Asia again..... Lord willing.

I've realized even though there are difficult things about being adopted and growing up on the mission field, I have an incredible blessed life to see it through many lenses. It's odd sometimes to think about. 

I don't fully belong with the Indians. I actually feel quite ashamed and embarrassed around them. That's on me not on them. They are always friendly loving people. I just feel very unlike them.

I don't fully belong with the Asians. Yet, I can connect on a deep level with many easily. 

I don't fully belong with the Americans. Expectations of what I should know or think or understand is usually way over my head. I'm not one of them even though people can assume it.

I don't fully belong with the Dutch. I try hard! But I'll never be there..... 

I'm running out of places now..... haha.

Especially during the Covid pandemic, people gravitate towards their 'home' and talking about their countries restrictions and laws. Conversations can revolve around, "what about your country?" or "can you get a visa and enter yet?" A great sense of pride and patriotism is seen, especially living as an expat. I envy people with a home and with that tight connection to their home country and knowledge of it. A clear pride towards one place. It's beautiful. I've never felt that. I'm learning though that through this 'no home' and 'no sense of belonging to a place or people' I can help so many around me. I can point straight to Jesus. I can live amongst the worlds and enjoy every bit of every culture. I can help those struggling with their belonging and understanding of home. I can change my hurt, longing, and jealousy to joyfulness in knowing we are all His. He is our Home. Matthew 6:21 "Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be." We are citizens of Heaven! I can celebrate with others who have that sense of home and belonging here on Earth. It's a beautiful thing to be a part of. I really do get the best of all worlds.

The realization may seem sad, but the older I get- the more in awe I am of the best of all - worlds! I get to live in this strange mixture of many cultures. I get to be one foot in all of them. What an amazing life God has given me. I get to see the unity we find in being brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm so grateful for my family and friends who accept me for me. My community here has helped me realize the beauty in living between worlds. It's not all that bad..... 
I DO fully belong to Jesus!

The future is unknown for everyone I know currently..... this can either be a terrifying place to be or a humbling place to be. I keep having to remind myself that God is in control and His plans and ways are SO much bigger and better than I can ever dream of for myself. He knows best. He has never failed me yet. It'll be a difficult season, but with God all things are possible. He provides, comforts, heals, and forgives us. Praise the name of Jesus! 

"Take away what you are known for and whatever is left is who you are." That could be a scary line if we are so engrossed in our title and what we do or where we are from on this Earth. Take pride in what you do and where you are from- of course! But boast in the One who remains and the One whom we truly belong too. I need to keep remembering to rely on Him and His promises. He remains. 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 

In this world of brokenness and painful circumstances, ONE thing always remains: Jesus 

Growth in the midst of CHANGE

"Oof", said one of my students when hearing we were back online yet again. The roller coaster shift of in-person and online has been unimaginable. Painful. Exhausting. Awful. Frustrating. Outward hopelessness. Feeling defeated. Disappointed. Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed to the point of hopelessness. Maybe you think: Can I really keep going? Will it ever be 'normal' again? Can I get through this? Will my kids get through this? Will my family be okay? 

There is always growing happening when we least expect it- even in the midst of constant change.

My school's eating area: 2016

Growth- it can be really hard to accept growth. To want to improve. To accept the growing pains and move forward. It is especially hard to grow during CHANGE. I think that's the best way to grow. Change jolts us. We don't like it. It forces us to rely on the One that remains: Jesus. It forces us to love each other more and build each other up. It forces us to let go of control and the feeling of the unknown. God is a God of mystery. He is ALWAYS working. Even when we don't feel it or see it. Even when there is no end in sight or clear open door for the future.

Don't forget about all the promises in His word to you. The world around us is changing minute by minute, yet He hasn't changed. He remains constant. He has not forgotten His children. He has not forgotten YOU. Cling onto Jesus. Choose worship. Remember, the battle belongs to our God.

My school's eating area: 2020

Look what growth does though- in the midst of all the CHANGES. I arrived in Cambodia in 2016 and was excited for this new adventure and journey ahead of me. That little tree (picture above) never seemed to grow. It was weak and hopeless. 

Through the years, it has grown. Through years of challenge, aches, and pains- it has grown! Growth takes time and even more time in the midst of change. Rest in Jesus. Allow Him to instill peace in your heart and mind.

Don't let the circumstances of the world and your unknown future shake your firm foundation. Not much will be normal anytime soon, but God is always working. He is moving. The battles you are dealing with right now are known to Him. He fights for you. He is FOR YOU.

I am in awe of God's goodness through the ugly parts of life. He is always so good. He will always grow us. Shape us. Use our kids or students to remind us of His joy and love. Even on the hard days.
It is okay to not be okay, but I am forever grateful to be part of His family. Aren't you?

Listen to these songs I've enjoyed this week. Refocus your heart and mind on the One who remains.

Learning to ASK

I haven't written in a while.....because I was thinking of the next thing to write about. Well, today, a dear friend and role model of mine reminded me that all I had to do was simply ask. I've never felt such a surge of joy and relief after asking for help about a situation I was worried about. A situation that was out of my control, but I had no way of solving on my own. I learned all that was needed was to ask those around me. It was an awkward request, but within minutes was solved through the help of a friend. The Lord places people around us to build us up, to challenge us, and to help us. I'm a helper, if you know anything about Enneagram numbers you'll know more about this. 

How can I help well if I never depend on others or ask for help myself?

I need to realize that if I am not addressing my own needs, it is highly unlikely that I will be able to meet anyone else's needs effectively. It is not selfish to make sure that you are okay before attending to others' needs—it is simply healthy and natural.

Sometimes all someone needs is a listening ear and a warm smile. I have learned to understand that everyone doesn't always want my advice, help, or presence. It doesn't mean they don't like me or are rejecting me. It is sometimes more effective and helpful to just listen than to actively help or solve the problem. It is not selfish to share an opinion, make a decision, or prefer to not want to hang out for a night. It is okay to say "no". 

There is a reason flight attendants ask to take care of your own oxygen mask first before helping your neighbor. I don't know about you, but I struggle with asking for help. It's a strange thing, because I find myself daily asking God for help quite easily. When it comes to other people, I find it difficult.

It's not because I feel like it's weak. For me, it's because I don't want to inconvenience people. I don't want to burden others with my requests or needs. I don't want to depend on someone. I don't want to distract them from their passions or mission or task. I sometimes don't like asking for help, because there are times I know 'I can' do it myself and don't want it to seem like I'm not capable or being lazy. However, as a helper, I enjoy when others depend on me and ask me for help.....Hmm. This got me thinking.....

Remembering, that self-care and asking for help doesn't mean you are weak or selfish, has helped me learn to ask for help more. I realized I find it easier to ask for help in the simple things of life, but find it challenging to ask for the big things. 

As a Special Education teacher, I help advocate for my students. I practice and teach them how to ask for help and learn to build the confidence enough to self-advocate. Practice what you preach! I have to learn from the things I tell them too. I, too, have to remember to ask for help sometimes. It is okay. It is needed. It is natural. I am learning to trust in a whole new way as I learn to ask for help for the big things. It always surprises me how simple it is to ask. How willing others are to help. It always surprises me how people WANT to help. Learning to just let them is so important. I'm a work in progress, but I have come far.... 

As being part of the Body of Christ, we all have a part. We all have a different purpose. I hope I can continue to learn to ask for help when it's needed. To realize that self-care isn't weak or selfish. To believe that the community and fellowship I have in Christ is a gift and blessing. To remember that the people that surround me for such a time as this are precious and want to help me. To remember to just ask! 

Don't do this life alone- Simply ASK !

Exodus 18:14-15, 17-18

"When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, “What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?....... Moses’ father-in-law said to him, ‘What you are doing is not good. You will surely wear yourself out, both you and these people with you. For the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone."

No better place

I've been talking a lot with friends recently about God's purpose and plan for our lives. I listened to a sermon online today and the Pastor spoke about who are the people God uses. Many things he said resonated with me today. I was reminded of some truths we so easily forget as followers of Jesus. 

1. God's plan is best.
2. The process may be painful and hard, yet He sustains us.
3. Sometimes He just asks us to decide, because His Spirit leads us.
4. There is no better place to be than in the will and purpose of God.
5. God uses us- despite our imperfections and sins.

Sometimes I wonder if I make a difference at all. Would people notice if I wasn't there? As an MK growing up and now in the community I live in: people are transforming villages, rescuing children, spreading the good news to the lost, building churches, translating the Bible, helping the sick, leading schools...... and I'm making Google Classroom videos and crying over lack of internet ? Umm, excuse me Lord? Am I really being used for Your purpose? People can be intimidating in their calling. But that's exactly it- that's THEIR calling, not mine. God doesn't want us just imitating others. He wants us to imitate and follow HIM. Some days I feel like I can give so much more of the talents the Lord has given me, yet I can barely get out of bed in the morning to attend a staff meeting. Sometimes I wonder if my calling was lost. If my passions disappeared... Am I really serving Him and making a difference by simply showing up to work in the morning and possibly emailing parents, grading papers, calming down a student and laminating documents? The simple answer is YES. God uses ordinary people and jobs.

Maybe you feel similar. Maybe you are a stay-at-home mom and never imagined it to be so hard and lonely. Maybe you imagined your life to be very different by the time you were 30. Maybe you are in a country that you never expected, but can't do the things you came to do. Maybe you are in a comfortable job and enjoy your coworkers, but still feel empty and lost inside...... Are we following Jesus or just asking Him to protect and bless us? 

The Holy Spirit really shook me this weekend. He reminded me that His light never goes out. He is always working through me. Despite my failures, weaknesses, and blindness- He is working. He is using ME. His purpose for this season is for me to email parents, organize schedules, teach students, laminate documents, make videos...... He didn't make a mistake in this plan. He is preparing me for what is next. He is moulding me to be a humble servant. 

So, if you are wondering what on earth God has in store for you- don't lose HOPE. If you are scared about the unknown. If you are worried if God is using the mundane activities of your life...... trust the Holy Spirit leading. God has you EXACTLY where He meant for you to be. He has you learning the things you need to learn. He has beautiful plans ahead. We worry ourselves away in thinking we could be doing something better. Why would we ever want to doubt where the Lord has placed us?

We never truly know who we impact anyway. God places us in seasons to teach us to love Him and His people more in the place He puts us. I believe this season I'm in is to learn that there is NO better place to be than to be in the plan and purpose of the Lord. He knows best. He also knows our desires and passions. Our time will come. We just have to wait for His spirit to lead us. 

I would not want to be doing ANYTHING else or be ANYWHERE else ! There is no better place than to be following my Jesus. I want to go where Jesus goes, not just ask him to bless my life and dreams. Go where His spirit leads. There truly is no better place to live. 

Submit to the Holy Spirit which comes from within and He will lead you on the path to Holiness.

A Mystery in the Mess

The mystery of God's love. Coming down to Earth to save the lost. Dying on a cross and being raised to eternal life to take away the sins of the world. What love is this? It is a mystery the world may laugh at, but it is the exact mystery this desperate world needs. We need love like that. We need mysteries we can't comprehend fully. We need God to show us He is capable of the impossible. 

Our world is messy. We are messy. We need powerful mysteries to help us continue to lean on Christ. Otherwise, I'd definitely think I wouldn't need Him. Life would be too 'easy' if I knew what tomorrow had in store and if I knew where I'd be in 2022. There is no fun in knowing everything. It ruins our trust. It ruins our ability to lean fully on Christ. I think God protects us by not telling us. There would be no mystery to His goodness and His Name. If we knew all His plans, it would make it extremely hard for us humans to fully trust Him.....we would think we don't need Him. 

This has challenged me recently, with all the unknown and constant change around me, to reflect on when I walk most closely with God. I am a flexible person that has learned to adapt to the environment I'm in. I'm also calm when crisis hits. These qualities are helpful, however make me reflect just how much I do or don't rely on Christ.

It's easy to call on Jesus when we are desperate, hurt, someone's sick, we lost our job, and things are not the way we want them to be. Do we call on Him when everything is fine? Do we rely on Him when the future is clearer and I may know where I'm going? Of course, nothing is wrong with calling on God more when we are in need of His mercy, miracles, and power. He sometimes wants us to go through these bumps and hurdles so we are able to focus fully on Him again. These trials and tests are good for us to refocus and fall on our knees. Yet, I wanted to challenge myself by thinking a little deeper. Do I only really pray when I need Him or feel alone?

I've been reading through the book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah is known as the 'weeping prophet'. He lived through a dark time in history and we can learn a lot of lessons from him. He was all alone and not even his family was listening to him. The most important lessons I've learned through reading this book are that of repentance and God's faithfulness. God is a God of love and forgiveness. It's a mystery to me how He loves us knowing our sins, words, and actions.

Through the mess and the constant change of 2020- God remains the same. He is constant. He remains. He knows our future. He promised it in Jeremiah, the famous passage, Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We never keep reading.... the context of this verse makes it all the more powerful!

Verse 12 says : "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

His mystery continues. He rebuilds. He promises. He keeps His promises.

So, I'm learning to completely fall in the arms of Jesus. To fully rely on Him- Not just when a pandemic hits and I find myself in a mess of uncertainty and angst, but no matter what. I want to be more like Him. I want to seek Him with all my heart always. Remember, God is a God of mystery and He knows our mess. He knows your tomorrows and your aching desires and hurts. Let's trust Him through it and continue to trust Him when things are less messy.....  

God's Love is a Mystery. Forever Our God reigns.

"Gotcha Day"

I am writing this from my own experience and feelings. Know that every situation and adoptee has their very own story to share. "Gotcha Day" is actually quite painful and can bring back a lot of trauma for adopted kids. What I write is from my own experience, I never mean for my words to generalize what adoption is like. We all have our own stories to share.

July 4th- My Gotcha Day !

It's a special day. I was adopted. Chosen. Brought Home.

Typically, Gotcha Day is the day a child was brought home.
I am forever grateful for my family. The miracles that brought me to them are many and direct proof that our God is alive and working. We should expect miracles. He is a God of them.

I definitely have days where I wonder: "Why me, Lord?" Why did I get this opportunity to have a family and a home and a life of opportunity and blessing? So many others did not get that. So many others were not brought into a family. So many others didn't get a family like mine.

This burden grows as I get older. I have had to learn to fully trust the Lord's great love for His people. Not just for me. He deeply cares for His creation. He knew I needed my family. I can't fully live this life if I continue to wonder why I got this blessed and lucky. He has given me this life so I better use it to glorify Him everyday and make the most of my days.

Rejection and abandonment run through many adoptees veins. Maybe it does for you too- adopted or not. I've always felt gratitude for this life I've been given, but I've also felt an unexplained abandonment. Almost like it's built inside of me. This makes sense if you think about it. Babies in the womb begin to feel attachment throughout a mother's pregnancy. Even though I was adopted so young and have no childhood memories of my birth family, I still spent those months developing in my birth mom's womb.... and the range of emotions during her pregnancy must have been extreme as I imagine they are anyway for someone pregnant. Thank you Amma for being so brave. I hope you feel inside of you years later that I'm more than okay in this world. That I'm taken care of and loved. Thank you for being brave for me.

Sometimes people don't always know what to say either and I don't blame them- since everyone reacts differently to their own adoption anyway:

"Your parents aren't really your parents." "You probably don't feel like you belong with the family you have now." "You don't look anything like them. That must be hard." "You could never really be a Leonard." "How does being adopted feel?" "Do you ever want to meet your birth family?" "Do you even feel Indian?" "Do the Indians accept you?" "The medical papers at the hospital must be hard to fill out for you, huh?" "You have no family medical history- that's sad." "It's probably easier for you since you don't know anything about your birth family though, right?"

I've had people over the years say or ask these things to me. I've always had to step back and realize they just care and love me, but find it awkward to know how to ask the best questions. They don't realize these comments and questions are probably not helpful. I actually rarely get offended by comments to do with adoption. I am more concerned about educating people about adoption in any way I can- in general. I'm most concerned about making sure fellow adoptees know that extreme unexplainable emotions may occur, but they will be okay. That they need to seek the help they need to process well and feel accepted and loved. Yes, my birth parents gave me up. Yes, I look nothing like my family. Yes, I have no clue about my birth family and their medical history. Yes, there are feelings I get that I can't quite explain sometimes about understanding adoption. I have a deep sense of grief sometimes with no real understanding behind it. Being adopted isn't a feeling though. It's a lot more than that. Yet, most of the time- I don't even remember I am adopted! This is my life! The Leonard's ARE my family. Yes, my birth parents gave me up. However, how dare someone think they didn't or don't love me. A dear friend once told me, "Sumi, it shows great love for someone to give their kid up for adoption. It shows they wanted a 'better' life for you because they were not at the place or in the right situation to keep you and take care of you the way they wanted. That's LOVE."

I will never forget the understanding I felt when hearing those words. It is beautiful to think about. I may never meet or know anything about my birth family, but wow do I pray for them and know the Lord is loving them too. He cares for us all. He is working behind the scenes. What a blessing I get to be part of God's family to be able to pray and have His presence and peace cover the unexplainable.

The sting of abandonment is a real thing. It lingers like the smell of rotten food. It's what you do with the feeling and lingering smell that either makes or breaks you. I have never had those moments of realizing I'm a lot like my brother or my hair is like my mom's or my talent for something 'runs in the family' or is genetic. I get stared at like crazy when with my family- no matter what country I live in. Sometimes I feel like an alien when grocery shopping with them because of others shocked expressions. Come on people, we live in 2020, figure it out. Adoption isn't uncommon.

I've chosen time and time again to not let the lies of the devil overwhelm my heart and thoughts. It's so important to push away those lies of not belonging or rejection (adopted or not!). Don't believe those lies. YOU are accepted. YOU are chosen. YOU are loved. YOU are loved by a King. 

I'm forever grateful for my family. Forever grateful for being a part of God's family. My parents have never once made me feel like an outcast or not part of them. My brother is a gem. And my family is my family! I've never felt abandoned from them. It's the rest of the world I have to be careful dealing with. It's the devil's lies I have to continually push aside and stomp on. I'm thankful to the Lord for bringing me into the Leonard family. What a true gift. What an amazing life I get to live! God is just so kind.

"Adopting one child won't change the world; but for that child the world will change." 

Thanks Mum and Dad for listening to the Lord's still small voice and obeying Him. Thank you for loving me no matter what- like your own. Thank you for fighting for me from day 1 and giving me a home. I'm overwhelmed with how loved I feel everyday. Thank you. It's my Gotcha Day and the Leonard's should be celebrated. :)