We matter too .....

This post comes from a couple months of brewing and not being sure whether to write about it, but here we go. I also hope this helps someone or atleast gets conversations going. That's always the goal in writing these blog posts. I have not sat down and written one in a year! Wow.

I want to start by saying in no way am I writing this in hope I'll be single forever. And in no way am I writing this because I'm angry or something happened recently. I'm just collecting bits of what I hear and feel to put them down for others to know they are not alone. I also realize we usually never write about the things we are going through WHILE we go through them and only reflect in hindsight about things we've learned etc. So, I'm challenging myself to write about the now while I'm in this season. I've never been in such a peaceful season of life and being able to fully enjoy singleness like I have these few years. But it's a topic that's been on my heart and it's time to write about it. 

Singleness.

You are not insignificant just because you do not have a significant other, a baby, or own a house.

People seem to think they can say a lot about being single because we were all single once, but wow, I wish people could listen to themselves talk before they spurt out silly questions and unintentional hurtful comments. Our world focuses on success and acheivement and this includes having a spouse and family. Somehow we aren't living fully or we are doing something terribly wrong to not be there yet. I understand as a single person I may have more time, more energy, more freedom, more whatever you think, but I also have less of a lot of things too. And why are we so bothered about comparing anyway? 

I've heard so many single friends recently tell me how unimportant they feel just because there are no kids calendar schedules and no meal planning for 6 happening. It's heartbreaking to me that friends don't know what to do with us, families don't know what to do with us, and churches definitely don't know what to do with us. We shouldn't feel like such disappointments and failures just because we haven't found a special someone just yet. I believe you when you tell me it's all amazing yet hard work and exhausting. But why won't you believe me when I tell you this season is amazing and hard work too. I don't really even have time to enjoy it though because people won't let me. I'm constantly reminded how I have more free time, and therefore feel guilty about it. I am constantly reminded how I have an easier life or can sleep whenever I want to, and therefore feel guilty about that too. I'm constantly reminded how alone I must be feeling and how much I'm missing out on, and therefore feel like I'm not enough by just being me. Trust me- I know I have more time and flexibility but don't let me feel ashamed for something I didn't choose or something I don't have yet. We matter too, you know?

I find it so heart-wrenching that churches have no idea what to do with us either. The focus is on kids, youth, students, young couples, new parents, families. We get ignored or placed in the 'we don't know what to do with you' group. They are basically subtly telling the single population that we are not good enough to lead, serve, be invited etc. We can only be complete with a partner. We can only be everything God wants with a union like that. But heck, on our own, nevermind. 

The solution? I don't really know to be honest. I just know we need to openly talk more about singleness and all my single friends in the world need to speak up more and voice their hurts and frustrations. Or I guess if they don't- I will- on behalf of them all. Haha. 

We matter too...... we are an integral part of society. I'm tired of proving that this season is important too. To grow. To learn. To understand myself more. To learn to be more like Him. To be a better human.....There are many advantages to being single- trust me- but don't remind me continually that better days are coming just because they have for you. How do you know that? And why presume my days are not already in the better category?

My life group is studying James at the moment and I'm learning so much. 

James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above...." 

- "Even my singleness". How can this season be a gift though? Well- because God's plans are so much wider and bigger than ours. And He means what He says. He will never abandon us. We are complete in Him. We are enough in Him. He calls us to love Him and others. I will do just that. I will enjoy what He's given me- if you let me...... until the next gift of someone else comes along.

Just because I am single does not mean I am lonely all the time.
Just because I am single does not mean I can't live well or live a full life. 

We matter too. 

I can't wait to experience what's to come, but I'm so challenged to remember to live NOW and enjoy every good and perfect gift while I'm in it...... 

Source used

The grass is always greener, right?

Phew, it's been a long time since I've last blogged. 

It's always nice to spend some time writing though. So, instead of making this a perfect post, I wanted to publish it before it just sat in the drafts for another few weeks. Some raw stuff here but hopefully someone understands my crazy thoughts or atleast learns one thing from my chaotic rambles..... 

The grass is always greener, right?

I've heard every version of "just wait until...." or "don't worry, it'll happen" or "just if you...."  or "you're so lucky to have......" or "wow, I wish I had that...".....

Yikes. One thing I've learned recently is that the grass will always seem brighter and better and greener on the other side. But wow do we waste time wishing and wanting and hoping and dreaming instead of soaking in the present. Living in the present. Being present in every season God asks us to endure. He doesn't just throw us in difficult and watch for fun to see what happens. He is near and walking beside us if we choose to listen and see Him. He watches to see if we turn to Him instead of the world.

I'm not saying life can't be hard or you can't find yourself hoping for better days. (Trust me, my ache for better days and just 'easier anything' is intense). But, I am saying don't wish away the present. Whatever the present may be..... BE in it. Live it. Accept it.

Remember that you don't know what others are going through on the inside so always be kind and considerate. Comparing life stages or life in general is just so not worth it. The grass may look greener but you don't really know what is truly going on underneath. Or you may not know what someone has been pleading to God for that YOU just got or have. 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens." James 1:17. Ahh, I LOVE that verse. Everything I have or the blessings I get are all gifts from HIM. Every single one. I don't deserve this life at all, yet He chooses to bless me.

And maybe you struggle with being excited for SO much good news all around you when life for you right now is a bit mehh. I've been challenged with this recently as friends are getting dream jobs, buying houses, getting married, having children, starting their mission abroad ..... etc and I find myself in this odd season of, "hello, God?" But life isn't about all those things. Those are gifts. Life isn't about us. 

It's exhausting to always be the happy good friend. Haha. I had to realize my selfishness and that I need the Lord's strength and grace to be genuinely thrilled and over the moon for friends or family with good news, but understand His grace for me too. I don't have to carry anything by myself. I am not Jesus and I don't have to have it altogether just cuz I'm the good friend. I can show raw emotion when I need.

I expressed to a friend recently about how I feel like everyone is on a train and it's moving and they are going places and life is moving on.... and somehow I'm out stuck at some station and nothing is happening. They instantly pointed out to me the fact that they didn't see me as 'stuck' but on a fascinating exploration with Jesus and everyone else was missing out. It made me laugh but after a few days of processing this I was stunned by how the Lord used this person and her thought to impact me. Woah. A change in perspective was truly needed. I am on an important exploration with Jesus and I'm not stuck. I'm just chilling on the sidelines for a while and growing deeper in the understanding of my Saviour and His great love for me. His will for my life is different to those on the moving train. Let Him be in control and don't get ahead of Him.

My name 'Sumita' means 'good friend'. God has really humoured me with this recently as I feel like my main purpose in this odd season is to try to be a good friend. My purpose right now is to live up to my name and glorify God through supporting others. No matter what. Continually rejoicing with others in their good news and supporting others in their struggles.

In kids church on Sunday I asked the question, "Why did God create us?" Kids are so incredible that they say exactly what they mean. A sweet kiddo raised her hand eagerly and said, "Because we are so loved by Him and we have to share about Him to others. That's like the whole point." 

My heart was so overjoyed by this answer. Tiny children speaking truth and blessing me. Every time! Love them. We weren't just created to rule the Earth and take care of it, but we were created in His image to glorify Him and be loved by Him; sharing about His goodness and faithfulness in our lives to others. Phew, what a calling and purpose.

The grass may always be greener, but is it where I should have my gaze to begin with? My eyes need to be fully on Him and pointed to His perfect calling and plan for my life. Not what someone else thinks or not even what I think. I can't recall the number of times I can thank God for rescuing me from what I thought was a brilliant plan or idea or future decision. Haha. He knows best. Rest in that and just be present. Live. I've had some real raw feelings recently about my own birth story and why a mother wouldn't want her child. This has come about more recently for me because so many of my closest friends or family members are having their own babies and there is so much love and excitement there. So much care and love for a little human and so many little humans, like me, were not wanted. Phew, I've had to change my perspective and negative thinking and turn to Jesus time and time again as I wrestle with these raw emotions. Only He can satisfy. My birth mum definitely wanted me, but she was brave to love me so much to give me up knowing she couldn't fully take care of me the way she wanted. I have no words about that and I usually have many words about everything.....Haha. Thank you Ma.

So, maybe the grass is always greener......but don't look there. Look at the exploration you are on with the Lord. Where are you going with Him? Where does your heart go when you need restoration? Struggling with that newborn? Turn to Jesus. Struggling with loneliness? Turn to Jesus. Struggling with being too free or too busy? Turn to Jesus. Struggling with work? Turn to Jesus. Struggling in your marriage? Turn to Jesus. What are you learning about yourself? Maybe you long for the greener grass days- well, cling to Jesus and He truly will provide all you actually need. He knows your desires. He doesn't usually grant them to us in the way or time we think. He is preparing the way. Let Him. Walk with Him. Live in the present even if you are itching to get on that train and get moving..... 

"It's sweet mercy when we can't survive apart from surrender. You're not falling apart friend. You're falling into the place He's prepared and marked out for you." -Ruth Chou Simons 

Lament

This is for those who are walking a tough season right now. For those who are wondering what's next. For those who are feeling weary in the present circumstances. For those who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those who are struggling being genuinely happy for others 'good news'.....

You are not alone. I've been doing much better than imagined these few months but woah, this is a seriously tough season of waiting. And it's okay to be exhausted from the, "God's got this" and "God's plan is best" and "God will provide, just wait and see!" comments. Trust me, people mean well and those comments are truth, but not always helpful in the moment. :) I encourage you to truly express what it is going on inside you and allow the Lord to heal, restore, and strengthen. The comfort can't come from others. It has to come from Jesus; the true and only source. Allow the Lord to help genuine joyfulness to pour out of you for others, even through a time of dryness for you.

I wrote this poem back in February and it sheds a little light on how I was doing:

The Playground Lament

The playground,

Lunch time recess,

Seeing smiling faces, energetic children. 

Hearing awkward conversations, laughter, chit-chat. 

My mind races. My heart aches. Yearns. 

It longs for what's next. A glimpse of the next page. Half-an-open door?

My feet feel like lead as I keep pushing on my bicycle pedals and ride by. 

But here, in my silence, as the noise of children fades, I feel stuck.

God invites us to this place, this sacred place, with HIM, to fully lament and express. 

"We won't experience full renewal without true lament." 

My playground lament. 

The teacher in me longs for an everyday playground.

This is my playground lament. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not all totally cheery and fine everyday now. But woah, I've come a long way in my attitude towards understanding His plans and His provisions. My inner peace and joy through these months have only come from Him. It's truly the power of the Holy Spirit teaching me to trust and walk in faith. The firm foundation I know so well. To actually WALK in it and believe it for myself this time. God invites us to this place with Him; a quiet place where we can be honest. Cry out to Him.

I've really been challenged not just to praise Him when all is well or when all is awful, but to praise Him ALWAYS, no matter what. In every circumstance. It doesn't mean some weeks I'm not a total mess emotionally and in my human flesh can't see one positive road ahead....... even though I wouldn't wish this season on even my worst enemy- I don't want to wish it away, necessarily. I've drawn so much closer to the Lord than I ever would have if everything just worked out or all my prayers got answered. Sometimes I think He wants to show His power through the ugliness of life. He also wants to show us who we are and who He's created us to be. I'm not Sumi, the adopted one. Or Sumi, the Indian girl who taught in Cambodia. Or Sumi, the MK, TCK, Pastor's kid. Or Miss Sumi, the teacher. I'm Sumi, a daughter of the King. I'll never understand His plans, but I will always hope to draw closer to Him and be more like Him. And jeez, if this is the way to do that in some small way as He chisels me and shapes me, heck yes. I'm all in!!

His promises are real. He never fails us. 

The world recognizes what you do; God recognizes who you are. He's more concerned about YOU. 

The pain will not last; He'll see you through. He is preparing a way forward. It's probably nothing like what you imagined or prayed for. He likes to do the unimaginable. So brace yourself. :)

So, it's okay if the comments like "God will provide" are exhausting right now. He wants you to be honest with Him and lament all you need to. But always remember, everything is temporary. The pain will not last; He'll see you through. Just like I firmly believe, He'll see me through too......

Really enjoying this song these past few weeks: This is the reason I sing by Phil Wickham !

Cultural realizations

 

I LOVE learning about new cultures and seeing what differences there are between all the places I've visited or lived in. Somedays it's crazy to think I've lived in 4 countries and am only 28 years old, but there are other days I'm in awe of how the Lord has brought me through so many adventures. I've really been blessed by so many lovely people and cultures along the way. Being in a new place and learning a new culture has been exciting, although it definitely comes with it's challenges too. I am aware of people's shocked faces when my introduction blurb has 3 cultures as part of my family alone. Haha. It creates some fascinating conversations.

I've never lived in Europe and so wanted to write 6 cultural findings living here in The Netherlands! These are quite general but it's a start....

1. Bicycle culture: 

The bicycle paths here are amazing. I am still getting used to the fact you can really cycle safely ANYWHERE and you have your own path and traffic light. It's so cool to see the tiny kiddos cycle to school or the large bakfiet cycles carrying a few kids. The Dutch are cycle experts. It's amazing! The amount of times I have looked like a fool just trying to get on my seat..... 

2. Work culture:

The Dutch are hard workers, but everything here closes at a reasonable time, especially clothing stores. This is to make sure that people are home for dinner with their families. How beautiful is that? They value their holiday time and overall don't seem so stressed by their regular job. Family time truly matters and they take it seriously. (I'm fairly certain this depends on the job and know that many people suffer from burn-out etc).

3. Cafe culture:

It's so wonderful to see so many people out and about enjoying the little sunshine that exists. The outdoor cafes are always full of families and people enjoying time together. Being a coffee and cafe lover, I am loving this about The Netherlands. I think it's something I've done the most since being here: meeting a friend for coffee or sitting at a cafe for the afternoon. There is no rush at a cafe as I think people are used to students studying or people working etc. So you can sit at a cafe all day and be content. The frustrating part is definitely paying, as most places only take a Dutch pin or cash. The use of a credit card or international debit card is basically non-existent. Haha. 

4. Weather-talk culture:

There are probably 50 different words for rain in Dutch. The amount of different types of rain is quite a shock here. I've only really been used to: drizzle and downpour (Asian monsoon!) But here....woah! It's amazing how people are brave and used to it so they will still cycle places and just learn to dress appropriately. The wind speeds are not kind to your umbrella- so forget that idea!

5. Flower culture:

The Dutch and their flowers! I stood at a flower shop the other day and was overwhelmed by the choices. They know how to beautify their homes and gardens for sure. Such a cool welcoming gift or 'bring to a friend' gift. I'm used to bringing cookies or a drink to a dinner invite, but the Dutch will bring flowers. I really like this normal. Flowers aren't seen as a "get well" only or a "congrats" or a "condolences" only type situation. They are just everywhere and for ALL occasions.

6. Communication culture:

I've really appreciated the genuine bluntness of the Dutch. People view it as rude and maybe sometimes it can be, but once you live here it somehow doesn't seem that way anymore. It's quite nice not to have to figure out what people are thinking or worry about if you understood them wrong or what they mean, cuz they'll just tell you! It's refreshing actually. Time is not wasted and people aren't misunderstood nearly as much. I've only met kind waiters and waitresses and kind people on the bike paths when I'm lost and need direction help :) I've been so impressed that here in Den Haag, everyone speaks English! The Dutch are so gifted in languages. The biggest difference for me communication wise is the lack of spontaneity. The Dutch love planning and appointments. Nothing is wrong with that- it's just something I need to get used to. I'm the "can we meet in an hour for coffee" person...... so it's definitely a new ball game here.

There are many more things I could have written about but I thought I'd just pick 6. I am grateful for the cultural realizations that are happening. It somehow helps me settle more and learn to make this beautiful place home! 

No Encore

2021

What a year it has been for many.

I've heard stories of victories and great answered prayers and stories of great pain, loss, and loneliness. I've walked through some of the best times in my life and some of the hardest too. Everything changing constantly around us has been difficult. The consistent unknown of what else will come our way has been challenging for everyone. Fear, anxiety, and worry have covered many. We live in a very broken world. Will there be another lockdown? Will my work place keep me on? Can I survive this quarantine or isolation? Will our flight get cancelled? Will we see family? Will my friend get better? What's next? Will anything be normal again? The constant unknown is exhausting to say the least. It can really affect us mentally, physically, and spiritually.

As I reflect on my year of ever changing times and experiencing lockdowns in multiple countries, I've come to the conclusion that every year I say "the best is yet to come", but maybe that's not always true. I think we need to gain a heavenly perspective. Yes, better things are waiting because of the truth of eternity. We CAN hope in Jesus. Grow closer to Him. Grow deeper in our desire to know Him. But I believe our God doesn't repeat Himself. He doesn't like encores.

I'm reminded of the power of the Holy Spirit in those who believe. That power- it never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever- an unchanging God. We are told to rejoice in ALL circumstances and to pray continually. Sometimes I forget how much the Lord has done. He has answered many prayers. And even those that haven't been answered, He is working. He is loving. He is healing. The unanswered ones can be hard to grapple with since He's such a powerful and good God. I'm learning though, that He is allowing me to grow SO much closer to Him in those moments. I have nowhere else to turn too. He is my firm foundation and my happiness shouldn't reflect my 'amount' of praise. I shouldn't only praise Him and boast about Him when I'm happy and everything is well. He is a Good God even when the bad or the heartwrenching times happen. He is Sovereign and Holy.

There is no encore with God. God does not repeat himself, He makes all things new. Better. 

"It would be rash to say that there is any prayer which God never grants.  But the strongest candidate is the prayer we might express in the single word encore.  And how should the Infinite repeat Himself?  All space and time are too little for Him to utter Himself in them once." C.S. Lewis

So, I've really learned this year to remember that I'm grateful for all that's come. The beautiful memories of teaching in Cambodia and the community that cherished me well beyond what I ever deserve will not repeat itself. God makes all things new. He'll provide all I need in His timing, but He will not repeat Himself. He has NEW in store for us. I'm not gonna wait for an encore. I'm gonna wait for beautiful NEW surprises and blessings. What a weight off my shoulders to realize I don't need to strive for anything. I don't need to hope for 'the best'. I just need to hope in the One that never changes. The One that knows all things. The One that holds it all together. The One that makes all things new.

Happy New Year. Welcome 2022....

"They go from strength to strength [increasing in victorious power]...." Psalm 84:7 

"Aha" moments

I used to use this phrase "Aha moments" in my classroom with my students. These moments were like 'light bulb' realizations. They were fully expressed. They were celebrated. The precious moment in time when a student grasped a concept or understood a plot twist. I have so many stories of these times in my classroom as I watched student's faces light up and they'd yell out, "aha! I get it, Miss Sumi!" 

I had an aha moment this week. 

And I simply had to blog about it. 

I was challenged this past Sunday at my church here in Den Haag to stand out as a follower of Christ. We aren't supposed to be like the world. We aren't supposed to fit in. Something is seriously wrong if others see the way we live and act and don't notice a difference..... I've really longed to settle in my life. But I think I've misunderstood the meaning of it altogether. It doesn't mean fit in or be like others or have things work out the way they are supposed too.

I finally understood that I can still be glorifying the Lord and living my best life just BEING. Not doing. But just 'being Sumi'. I don't need to wait for a job or an apartment or a relationship to begin my life here. I can love and encourage and use my gifts NOW. I've written before about 'being' and not doing. But this aha moment was more about 'I can actually be useful and live fully now!'

It hit me. I don't need to keep 'waiting on the Lord'. A statement that is overly used (overly used by me too!) I can actually keep living for the Lord as I wait. He IS using me, probably without my knowing. I can love those placed in front of me. I can encourage those far away. I can pray for others fervently. I can still be of purpose by just being in this world. Being different. 

So, if you are struggling with your sense of purpose or what's next in your life- Just keep living fully and joyfully the best way you can. Trust me- He's using you. Even if my most productive part of my day was waking up or doing the dishes- the Lord is not disappointed. He hasn't forgotten about me. He isn't mad at me. He just wants me. He wants our hearts. He is a Good Good Father. His ways are perfect.

It says in Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord" but it doesn't end there. It continues to say "....be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord". We aren't supposed to just wait and get anxious in the quiet and unknown or feel useless through the boring times...... we are asked to be strong and take heart. To live. To remain confident that the goodness of the Lord is coming (verse 13!). 

If you are reading this and are wondering things like: "what am I doing here?" "what is God doing?" "I feel useless and worthless" "I'm bored out of my mind" "I can't even use the gifts He's given me yet" ..... I've definitely had these linger far too long in my head these days....

Be strong. Take heart. Be confident in knowing He is Good. He is already ahead of you. 

He is already preparing a way forward. Trust Him. 

"Aha moments" are so precious. I needed this one: To the world I'm doing absolutely nothing right now......but actually I can still live and make a difference each day. I can be a good friend to those placed in front of me for this season. I can still be Sumi in every way as I wait for the future to unfold. I've been listening to this song on repeat this week. The bridge brought tears to my eyes: "You are perfect in all of your ways".

Somedays, I really don't feel it. I really don't see it. But, it's not about feeling or seeing though. It's about knowing and believing. He is perfect. Trust all that He is doing in your life right now. The good and the hard. God isn't finished yet. 

My new website

Do you live near or in Den Haag, The Netherlands?

Are you in need of a tutor/ special needs tutor for your child? Or do you know someone who does?

I never thought I'd be self-employed or having to set up my own tutoring sessions, but here we are! 

I am a passionate teacher with 6 years of international teaching experience.

I am excited and eager to support my community and help support students in need.

Please do spread the word or let me know if you have any questions. 

Check out my website for details!

sleonardtutoring.weebly.com 

Jezus Overwinnaar

 

Do you ever wonder what God is doing?

Do you ever wonder why some prayers get answered and others don't?

Do you ever wonder if God has forgotten you?

Do you ever think: "This must be it. It will never get better"

Do you ever ask, "Why me, God?"

I've wrestled with these questions at some point in my life and I'm sure if you are reading this- most of you have too- at some point in your life. I wonder sometimes why life is the way it is. I never expected to be where I am in my life right now. It's so easy to look at others lives and wish you had what you think they do. So easy to think it'll never happen for you. So easy to look at others and only see what you see, therefore only seeing all the laughter, house buying, jobs, weddings, children, dreams coming true, successful businesses or ministries and adventures happening.... and not the pain, loss, grief, arguments and hidden fears. Facebook and Instagram are not honest places to always see how people are really doing behind their door. You know what I mean- the no make-up, no cameras, no filter moments. Reality. I'm guilty of that too. Who wants to share the terrible, horrible moments for all to see?

People don't like to share what's really going on. I understand that. It's normal and for some their personality and that's okay! Life is private and pain is private. Living here now in The Netherlands for about 10 weeks, I've noticed my open-book and emotional personality is not always welcome or seen as respectable. But what if my normal means tears and messy deep conversations? I have been to church in-person a few times and every time I have cried during worship. I have spoken quite openly with people about how I am doing and usually end up in a puddle of tears then too. I am not afraid to show that life is messy and emotions are real. I feel sorry for those around me at those moments, especially because usually they are strangers or new friends. But I do hope someone reading this today can feel a sense of freedom in knowing it's really okay to not be okay. To open up. To rub people the wrong way sometimes.  Be real. Be you. Whatever that looks like.

I've had a lot of time to think and dig into the Word these days. I'm grateful for that. I realized the Lord has already been victorious in so many ways in my life. I am overwhelmed by His goodness and mercies. SO many dreams have already come true. So many miracles happened already. So many promises fulfilled. AND I'm not entitled to anything and I don't deserve a thing. Everything I have is because of Jesus. Everything. I am definitely learning to be more grateful and learning a lot about humility too. I'm not called to an easy life, I'm called to glorify Jesus and share about all His goodness to me.

I was sitting in church and they were singing this song in Dutch and I realized tears rolling down my face. The words on the screen were in English thankfully and I could follow along. Some of the lyrics: "No other name is higher, Lord of All. Oh King of Kings You will reign on high. Forever and glorious. Nothing can withstand the power of Your mighty Name. Jesus victorious."

What powerful words. Jesus is victorious. The words are even better in Dutch which is why I have both songs below for you to listen to. :) Jezus Overwinnar ! How cool is that. 

I was reminded that I need to surrender all. I need help to put His will and His purpose ahead of my own. I need to not compare my 'chapter 5 to someone else's chapter 25'. I need to be okay with the way God made me. I need to realize there is strength in my tears and pain even if the world views it as weak and unstable. I need to wait humbly and let God work. He always works. He is a promise keeper. He is a way-maker. He is working even when I can't feel it or see it. Even when my pride takes over, He still loves and is working on my behalf. I encourage you to surrender everything to Him again. He is with you in the midst of the darkness. He is with you in the good and bad. His arms are open wide, run to Him. He knows your pain, be it in open with others or in private behind the closed doors. Bring it to Him. Weeping may tarry through the night, but joy will come in the morning.

 Jesus victorious. Jezus Overwinnar !

Our God is a God of mystery and He won't always answer us in the ways we expect or hope or dream. The answers to the questions and wonderings above are in the character of Jesus. He is our strong tower. He is all we need. It's because He holds the map and the big picture. There is so much joy found in knowing Him. He knows our desires and dreams. Life would be so very boring if we always knew what was going to be next or why certain things happen to us. He never fails. He won't fail you now.....

“God never withholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God’s refusals are always merciful — “severe mercies” at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better.” ― Elisabeth Elliot

Embrace Goodness

I moved!! I've been in The Netherlands for almost 3 weeks now...... 

Transition has been harder than imagined. The emotions of sadness and missing a place and community are real and they come so fast some days but then they also leave fast too. I've moved a lot in my life but it doesn't mean it gets easier. I'm grateful to be here and thankful the Lord answered my prayer as I wanted to be closer to family these next few years. The Netherlands is a beautiful place. I guess I want to be vulnerable here and challenge others to be too if they are struggling with something currently. I was challenged to speak up and really be okay with not being okay. It doesn't mean I'm not trusting God or I have little faith or I'm not a good follower of Jesus. It's okay to not be okay. Our Jesus understands every emotion and He is with us no matter what we feel or don't feel. Someone reading this may need to hear those words too.

I miss my friends. I miss Cambodia. I miss Asia. I miss familiar grocery stores and products. I miss my independence of driving my moto and knowing the roads and where to go. I miss English. I miss Asians. I miss familiar. I miss church fellowship. I miss (the list can go on but I'll stop there as you get the point.......)

I can't seem to stop the tears, yet I fully know the Lord has the best in mind and this was HIS idea. What better place to be- exactly where the Lord asked you to be.

I guess I never expected to be where I am today at 28 years old. Sometimes I think I've done it all wrong or missed out on the life I see others have. Then I stop myself and think..... wait..... what an incredible life the Lord has given me. He has the masterplan. I need to trust. SO many miracles. SO many friends across many oceans. SO many homes I get to call home and love. SO many families that I can call my own. SO many beautiful people and places. All these people and places I don't deserve. Everything I have is a gift. I don't deserve a single thing, yet the Lord has given me plenty. 

It doesn't mean this season has to be easy, but I think sometimes we look so hard at everyone else's lives we forget what God is doing in ours. He is mighty. He is working. He knows exactly what He's doing even in the waiting. He isn't late. He isn't mistaken. He isn't robbing me of anything. He hasn't forgotten me. He has given me the best. He isn't DONE yet either...... The Best is Yet to Come.

He gave me such peace to move here and so I know He will provide. This is just a lonely season of waiting and 'being'. I guess my priorities are wrong if I can't manage to live without my teaching job or being busy or without feeling 'needed' since I'm such a helper at heart. My entire completeness and identity is found in Him. He is enough. He wants me to just 'be' and to rest in Him and believe His promises. During a particularly difficult night recently as I was restless and tears were streaming down my face, the Lord pressed on my heart to open His Word and read Psalm 20. I could almost hear a whisper as I turned on my light and reached for my Bible. "Come sit with me Sumi. I'm here. You are not alone."

Psalm 20 

"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;

    may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

 May he send you help from the sanctuary

    and grant you support from Zion.

 May he remember all your sacrifices

    and accept your burnt offerings.

 May he give you the desire of your heart

    and make all your plans succeed.

 May we shout for joy over your victory

    and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

Now this I know:

The Lord gives victory to his anointed.

He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary

    with the victorious power of his right hand.

 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

    but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

 They are brought to their knees and fall,

    but we rise up and stand firm.

 Lord, give victory to the king!

    Answer us when we call!"

My heart is hurting and I'm feeling quite disoriented but then there are moments like these. Such precious moments with my Lord. What a powerful Psalm in this exact moment of distress and loneliness. Jesus answers. He is with you and me. He is near. Don't ever let the devil trick you into thinking that you aren't good enough or that the Lord has forgotten you. God can steady your heart. He can remind you of His faithfulness. Rest easy - remember that He has gone before. He will not let you down. The evidence of God's goodness is evident in my life. It's so easy to forget all the miracles He has done and all that is still yet to come......

I definitely wish I didn't have such big raw emotions but then I remember this quote: "I understand now that I'm not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, "For the same reason I laugh so often - because I'm paying attention." I'm learning to just embrace the emotions and be fully Sumi. :)

I wrote a noticeboard paragraph for the school I used to work at. It was written about a year ago and I wrote about how we need to trust God with the unknowns. He uses us to do the unimaginable so others can see His goodness. This season is exactly the same. He WILL do the unimaginable so others see His light.

These songs have really touched my heart these last few weeks as I wrestle with my own thoughts and emotions. There is also an article a friend sent that spoke to me. If you are struggling with finding your feet in a new place take a read. Read this: Hope for those in a new place 

I miss Asia and my home, but I know without a doubt the Lord is near and He provides and this beautiful place WILL be another home ..... soon. The muscle memory will kick in and life will not always be this hard.

I choose to rest. I choose to worship. I choose to embrace goodness. His Goodness. It will always be the story I tell..... 

Goodbye Penh

I don't even know how to fully comprehend the fact I've left. People have told me to 'grieve hard'. I will. I'm moving ..... again. I've chosen this life of packing a suitcase. Every 5 years or so I end up moving. That's a long time to settle down and build community and develop deep friendships. I know people that pack up and leave every few months as part of their job or family situation but that is different. I applaud them still though. I have LOVED Cambodia and the HOPE community that has so lovingly welcomed me. I've grown through my teaching career, my personal relationship with God, and my understanding of life. I came with the passion and vision to serve HOPE school. This was odd for many mission families coming as adults to the mission field. I still feel the need to back myself up when people frown when hearing I don't speak fluent Khmer and have lived in Cambodia for 5 years..... or 'all' I've done was work at HOPE school etc. Our callings and passions and service are ALL different. That's why God uses us all for different things. We are His body. He uses us each for His purpose not what others think that should be. As a mission kid myself, I never in a million years dreamed of enjoying working at a mission school. (Tip: Never say "never" to God!)

I realized that I am extremely privileged to have 3 cultures under one roof growing up. Indian by blood. Dutch-American parents. Growing up in India. Attending British boarding school with international friends. Attending University with mostly Americans. I had some full summers visiting The Netherlands and Rochester, New York. I lived in Germany for a few weeks during 2 summers during grad school. I lived in Cambodia for 5 years. It has truly become one of my many homes. A particularly precious one though as there was a lot of growth these last few years. There is always an end to a beautiful season though. A season where I've grown confidently in myself. I've served and helped families and students that I've loved and will miss dearly. I came with the understanding I'd give and serve and help. I'm leaving with an overwhelming full-feeling of being blessed. Cambodia and HOPE has given me a lot. A lot of healing. A lot of close friendships. A lot of familiarity that I didn't realize I missed so much. A lot of love. 

This concept of 'home' is never an easy one for someone like me. However, I've learned that home are where my people are at! It is where I live. I've been extremely overwhelmed with all the amazing homes I've had the privilege of living in. It's easy to forget the GOOD when I'm in the midst of a transition season and goodbyes have happened. Having friends literally across the world to visit has been so fun. Getting to experience and live in many cultures has been a privilege too. 

Our true home is Heaven. A place with no fear, no tears, no sorrow, or isolation. We have to make the most of the 'home' we get down here. And wow- I've been spoiled greatly by my 5 years in Cambodia. God is just so so kind. It is a hard place to leave and a precious season I will cherish dearly.

Phnom Penh, Cambodia. 

This place truly has its ups and downs and everything has not always been the way it appears, but I am grateful to have called this lively place MY HOME for this current season. There were definitely days I was frustrated about something: being far from family, dust, heat, noise, something broken even though I just got it repaired, flooding, moto accidents...... However, I am just in awe by this beautiful place I got to live in and call home. These beautiful people. The simplicity of life and living. I find it a lot easier to live in Asia than to live in a Western country. Coming from the hustle of Calcutta, India to a place like Phnom Penh was needed. I was able to appreciate things in an unusual way. The things I never realized I missed about India became real. Cambodia has so many similarities that I was able to process my growing up years while not even being in the same place.  I will miss the people the most. The community built will never be replaced or forgotten. My students. The way of life. I will miss my Moto driving and the independence of daily life. I will miss the colors, tastes, and smells. My time in Asia has come to an end for now though. My dreams here have come true! The Lord has shaped and grown me. I am ready for whatever is next. Asia will ALWAYS be home.....

Phnom Penh
Home
Noisy
Oh, those hammocks!
Merry markets

Permeated
Energetic and lively
Nice places to eat
Houses on stilts
😀

Community
Amazing people
Mangoes
Beaches
Original
Deep
Islands
Attractive

💓

My goodbye party in NY May 2016

Riverfront area

Playing tourist and visiting Temples

Rooftop views

My first year - 2016

Look what happened! We got a field!

School

Korean BBQ 2017

Teaching kids!

Rooftop view from my first house here

Boat trips with friends!

Local Market 

Central Market

Flooded school road and broken down tuk tuk 2018

Rooftops at the market 

                               

The HOPE tree: GROWTH 

Independence monument in the city

Friends that became family :)

Phnom Penh !

Housemates and friends- dinner out 2021

Moto park at school

Packed up classroom: It was a sad day

Last day of online school

Amazing packing skills :)

I'll miss coaching basketball to some incredible kids

My life in 3 suitcases

"Onwards and upwards" 

Traveling around the world to get to where I need to go :)

"Are you really okay?"

If you are reading this- just know there are a lot of thoughts here. If you're anything like me, verbally processing or journaling and reflecting really helps me get back to the focus: Jesus. 

I had a dear friend call me over the weekend and the first thing said was, "Sometimes I just want a hug, Sumi." My heart broke a little just hearing that. With all this social distancing and being cautious and safe we have forgotten that as humans we are in need of positive touch (if you like it or not). We are in need of human contact.

My students are so resilient and learning to just roll with it and keep going. However, there are adults who are not coping well in this season as it feels unending. Not sustainable.

I think we need to encourage more than compare our own 'hardship'. "Online sucks" or "COVID sucks", I think we have decided that already so now let's move on and learn ways to help each other cope through this - what seems like an unending season. Or help each other to pick up the pieces and begin getting back to what 'normal' can look like again....

My friend who just longed for a hug reminded me that many feel just like this. They feel alone. It's really not all about emotions and feelings though. It's also about a lack of positive contact and touch. Due to the pandemic, there are people living completely alone and without human contact for many months. Many of us are running on crisis mode for a long time now too. We keep saying the 'end is in sight' and 'this too shall pass'. I strongly believe it will, of course. All hard seasons and even world crises come to an end but they shape us. They change us. They alter what's ahead. They break us a little inside. They may break you completely. In the moment, there is a lot of hurt and pain. But what comes after is pure beauty. We have to learn to wait and see. I'm not so good at that part.... 

Many people may be feeling similar thoughts but find it difficult to voice them or think, well at least I have it better than so-and-so...... This is not always a good coping mechanism. Yes, I know MANY MANY millions have it worse than anyone reading this (and myself especially!) but we need to accept our situation, whatever it may look like and live with it. We need to live so we can help others and we can serve well. Learn to empathize well, pray often, and also learn to understand what you are feeling and why. You can't serve or help if you are burnt out and have nothing to give anymore. So take care of YOU during these months of whatever is going on in your life..... 

Comparison really kills. I didn't realize I needed the assurance that it was okay not to be okay and I wasn't expected to be better or do more or feel chipper EVERY moment of the day because I have 'more time' or 'don't have kids' or live an 'easier' life right now.

Phew. I'm so glad God never compares us. He made us just the way we are. I am in need of Him daily to remember this life isn't home. I do need to be thankful and grateful for all the things I do have. I can live to glorify His name and serve Him and boast about Him and His goodness - nothing else. It says in 1 Corinthians 1:31, if you want to boast, boast only about the Lord. 

So, no matter what stage of life you are in or season of life you are in- remember that the Lord embraces you. He is right there with you in the mess and joys. He is near even when He is silent. He is working even when we don't see it or feel it. 

I have a couple more weeks in this beautiful place: Cambodia. My heart doesn't really know how to respond to the transition ahead, yet I know the Lord provides a path and He goes before us into whatever He calls us into. It's the best place to be: His will, not mine. If you know anything about me, you'll know I am an emotional person. I'm learning though that this isn't a sign of weakness and that I'm not just a fragile mess, but that I can use my big emotions to encourage or help others with theirs. Goodbyes are hard, yet they remind us that this is not our home and the Lord isn't finished yet.

Even though I currently wonder what place could be as amazing as the life I've lived here and what season could be as precious as this one..... I know He plans the best for us all. It's odd when people say: "Aren't you excited to go home?" Living between so many worlds and in so many cultures means that I 'start over' many times. I'm not HOME until He calls me home to Heaven. I'm both excited and terrified to see what unfolds in the next few months. I have to boast in Him and trust Him. My arms are open wide for all the things the Lord has. I'm diving in. 

My next blog will be a farewell to Cambodia so make sure you come back and read it ........ I'll write a few of my favourite memories and some great things about this beautiful place I get to call one of my many homes!

Jeremiah 9:23-24

This is what the Lord says:

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom

    or the strong boast of their strength

    or the rich boast of their riches,

 but let the one who boasts boast about this:

    that they have the understanding to know me,

that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,

    justice and righteousness on earth,

    for in these I delight,”

declares the Lord."

One Thing Remains

I finally have some time to write again. It's been a while. We just got done with camp week at school and I've realized just how blessed I am to be here in Cambodia during these crazy times. I cannot imagine what many are going through around the world with tight restrictions and lockdowns. I won't pretend to know what it's really like because I have no idea. My heart particularly goes out to those who are alone and desperate for an end-in-sight and for those that are suffering physically, emotionally, and mentally. I pray for God's presence to overwhelm and continue to be made known covering our world. 

I just want to share some things I've been learning and processing. I had the amazing opportunity to help lead the Primary camp this year. Our four Bible points of the week were:

God has the power to provide. 
God has the power to comfort.
God has the power to heal. 
God has the power to forgive. 

As I prepared each day, I recognized my own need to hear these truths. My own need to HOLD ON to Him. It's funny when you are asked to lead something for others and serve, most times it's ourselves that need the message the most. I REALLY needed these reminders. Such simple truths about God's mighty power, yet through a year like this one...... they can so easily be forgotten. 

I've also been processing a lot as I begin this transition period of moving out of Asia again..... Lord willing.

I've realized even though there are difficult things about being adopted and growing up on the mission field, I have an incredible blessed life to see it through many lenses. It's odd sometimes to think about. 

I don't fully belong with the Indians. I actually feel quite ashamed and embarrassed around them. That's on me not on them. They are always friendly loving people. I just feel very unlike them.

I don't fully belong with the Asians. Yet, I can connect on a deep level with many easily. 

I don't fully belong with the Americans. Expectations of what I should know or think or understand is usually way over my head. I'm not one of them even though people can assume it.

I don't fully belong with the Dutch. I try hard! But I'll never be there..... 

I'm running out of places now..... haha.

Especially during the Covid pandemic, people gravitate towards their 'home' and talking about their countries restrictions and laws. Conversations can revolve around, "what about your country?" or "can you get a visa and enter yet?" A great sense of pride and patriotism is seen, especially living as an expat. I envy people with a home and with that tight connection to their home country and knowledge of it. A clear pride towards one place. It's beautiful. I've never felt that. I'm learning though that through this 'no home' and 'no sense of belonging to a place or people' I can help so many around me. I can point straight to Jesus. I can live amongst the worlds and enjoy every bit of every culture. I can help those struggling with their belonging and understanding of home. I can change my hurt, longing, and jealousy to joyfulness in knowing we are all His. He is our Home. Matthew 6:21 "Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be." We are citizens of Heaven! I can celebrate with others who have that sense of home and belonging here on Earth. It's a beautiful thing to be a part of. I really do get the best of all worlds.

The realization may seem sad, but the older I get- the more in awe I am of the best of all - worlds! I get to live in this strange mixture of many cultures. I get to be one foot in all of them. What an amazing life God has given me. I get to see the unity we find in being brothers and sisters in Christ. I'm so grateful for my family and friends who accept me for me. My community here has helped me realize the beauty in living between worlds. It's not all that bad..... 
I DO fully belong to Jesus!

The future is unknown for everyone I know currently..... this can either be a terrifying place to be or a humbling place to be. I keep having to remind myself that God is in control and His plans and ways are SO much bigger and better than I can ever dream of for myself. He knows best. He has never failed me yet. It'll be a difficult season, but with God all things are possible. He provides, comforts, heals, and forgives us. Praise the name of Jesus! 

"Take away what you are known for and whatever is left is who you are." That could be a scary line if we are so engrossed in our title and what we do or where we are from on this Earth. Take pride in what you do and where you are from- of course! But boast in the One who remains and the One whom we truly belong too. I need to keep remembering to rely on Him and His promises. He remains. 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 

In this world of brokenness and painful circumstances, ONE thing always remains: Jesus