Lament

This is for those who are walking a tough season right now. For those who are wondering what's next. For those who are feeling weary in the present circumstances. For those who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those who are struggling being genuinely happy for others 'good news'.....

You are not alone. I've been doing much better than imagined these few months but woah, this is a seriously tough season of waiting. And it's okay to be exhausted from the, "God's got this" and "God's plan is best" and "God will provide, just wait and see!" comments. Trust me, people mean well and those comments are truth, but not always helpful in the moment. :) I encourage you to truly express what it is going on inside you and allow the Lord to heal, restore, and strengthen. The comfort can't come from others. It has to come from Jesus; the true and only source. Allow the Lord to help genuine joyfulness to pour out of you for others, even through a time of dryness for you.

I wrote this poem back in February and it sheds a little light on how I was doing:

The Playground Lament

The playground,

Lunch time recess,

Seeing smiling faces, energetic children. 

Hearing awkward conversations, laughter, chit-chat. 

My mind races. My heart aches. Yearns. 

It longs for what's next. A glimpse of the next page. Half-an-open door?

My feet feel like lead as I keep pushing on my bicycle pedals and ride by. 

But here, in my silence, as the noise of children fades, I feel stuck.

God invites us to this place, this sacred place, with HIM, to fully lament and express. 

"We won't experience full renewal without true lament." 

My playground lament. 

The teacher in me longs for an everyday playground.

This is my playground lament. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not all totally cheery and fine everyday now. But woah, I've come a long way in my attitude towards understanding His plans and His provisions. My inner peace and joy through these months have only come from Him. It's truly the power of the Holy Spirit teaching me to trust and walk in faith. The firm foundation I know so well. To actually WALK in it and believe it for myself this time. God invites us to this place with Him; a quiet place where we can be honest. Cry out to Him.

I've really been challenged not just to praise Him when all is well or when all is awful, but to praise Him ALWAYS, no matter what. In every circumstance. It doesn't mean some weeks I'm not a total mess emotionally and in my human flesh can't see one positive road ahead....... even though I wouldn't wish this season on even my worst enemy- I don't want to wish it away, necessarily. I've drawn so much closer to the Lord than I ever would have if everything just worked out or all my prayers got answered. Sometimes I think He wants to show His power through the ugliness of life. He also wants to show us who we are and who He's created us to be. I'm not Sumi, the adopted one. Or Sumi, the Indian girl who taught in Cambodia. Or Sumi, the MK, TCK, Pastor's kid. Or Miss Sumi, the teacher. I'm Sumi, a daughter of the King. I'll never understand His plans, but I will always hope to draw closer to Him and be more like Him. And jeez, if this is the way to do that in some small way as He chisels me and shapes me, heck yes. I'm all in!!

His promises are real. He never fails us. 

The world recognizes what you do; God recognizes who you are. He's more concerned about YOU. 

The pain will not last; He'll see you through. He is preparing a way forward. It's probably nothing like what you imagined or prayed for. He likes to do the unimaginable. So brace yourself. :)

So, it's okay if the comments like "God will provide" are exhausting right now. He wants you to be honest with Him and lament all you need to. But always remember, everything is temporary. The pain will not last; He'll see you through. Just like I firmly believe, He'll see me through too......

Really enjoying this song these past few weeks: This is the reason I sing by Phil Wickham !