I moved!! I've been in The Netherlands for almost 3 weeks now......
Transition has been harder than imagined. The emotions of sadness and missing a place and community are real and they come so fast some days but then they also leave fast too. I've moved a lot in my life but it doesn't mean it gets easier. I'm grateful to be here and thankful the Lord answered my prayer as I wanted to be closer to family these next few years. The Netherlands is a beautiful place. I guess I want to be vulnerable here and challenge others to be too if they are struggling with something currently. I was challenged to speak up and really be okay with not being okay. It doesn't mean I'm not trusting God or I have little faith or I'm not a good follower of Jesus. It's okay to not be okay. Our Jesus understands every emotion and He is with us no matter what we feel or don't feel. Someone reading this may need to hear those words too.
I miss my friends. I miss Cambodia. I miss Asia. I miss familiar grocery stores and products. I miss my independence of driving my moto and knowing the roads and where to go. I miss English. I miss Asians. I miss familiar. I miss church fellowship. I miss (the list can go on but I'll stop there as you get the point.......)
I can't seem to stop the tears, yet I fully know the Lord has the best in mind and this was HIS idea. What better place to be- exactly where the Lord asked you to be.
I guess I never expected to be where I am today at 28 years old. Sometimes I think I've done it all wrong or missed out on the life I see others have. Then I stop myself and think..... wait..... what an incredible life the Lord has given me. He has the masterplan. I need to trust. SO many miracles. SO many friends across many oceans. SO many homes I get to call home and love. SO many families that I can call my own. SO many beautiful people and places. All these people and places I don't deserve. Everything I have is a gift. I don't deserve a single thing, yet the Lord has given me plenty.
It doesn't mean this season has to be easy, but I think sometimes we look so hard at everyone else's lives we forget what God is doing in ours. He is mighty. He is working. He knows exactly what He's doing even in the waiting. He isn't late. He isn't mistaken. He isn't robbing me of anything. He hasn't forgotten me. He has given me the best. He isn't DONE yet either...... The Best is Yet to Come.
He gave me such peace to move here and so I know He will provide. This is just a lonely season of waiting and 'being'. I guess my priorities are wrong if I can't manage to live without my teaching job or being busy or without feeling 'needed' since I'm such a helper at heart. My entire completeness and identity is found in Him. He is enough. He wants me to just 'be' and to rest in Him and believe His promises. During a particularly difficult night recently as I was restless and tears were streaming down my face, the Lord pressed on my heart to open His Word and read Psalm 20. I could almost hear a whisper as I turned on my light and reached for my Bible. "Come sit with me Sumi. I'm here. You are not alone."
Psalm 20
"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
May we shout for joy over your victory
and lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the Lord grant all your requests.
Now this I know:
The Lord gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
with the victorious power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.
Lord, give victory to the king!
Answer us when we call!"
My heart is hurting and I'm feeling quite disoriented but then there are moments like these. Such precious moments with my Lord. What a powerful Psalm in this exact moment of distress and loneliness. Jesus answers. He is with you and me. He is near. Don't ever let the devil trick you into thinking that you aren't good enough or that the Lord has forgotten you. God can steady your heart. He can remind you of His faithfulness. Rest easy - remember that He has gone before. He will not let you down. The evidence of God's goodness is evident in my life. It's so easy to forget all the miracles He has done and all that is still yet to come......
I definitely wish I didn't have such big raw emotions but then I remember this quote: "I understand now that I'm not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I explain that now, when someone asks me why I cry so often, "For the same reason I laugh so often - because I'm paying attention." I'm learning to just embrace the emotions and be fully Sumi. :)
I wrote a noticeboard paragraph for the school I used to work at. It was written about a year ago and I wrote about how we need to trust God with the unknowns. He uses us to do the unimaginable so others can see His goodness. This season is exactly the same. He WILL do the unimaginable so others see His light.
These songs have really touched my heart these last few weeks as I wrestle with my own thoughts and emotions. There is also an article a friend sent that spoke to me. If you are struggling with finding your feet in a new place take a read. Read this: Hope for those in a new place
I miss Asia and my home, but I know without a doubt the Lord is near and He provides and this beautiful place WILL be another home ..... soon. The muscle memory will kick in and life will not always be this hard.
I choose to rest. I choose to worship. I choose to embrace goodness. His Goodness. It will always be the story I tell.....
