I am writing this from my own experience and feelings. Know that every situation and adoptee has their very own story to share. "Gotcha Day" is actually quite painful and can bring back a lot of trauma for adopted kids. What I write is from my own experience, I never mean for my words to generalize what adoption is like. We all have our own stories to share.
It's a special day. I was adopted. Chosen. Brought Home.
Typically, Gotcha Day is the day a child was brought home.
I am forever grateful for my family. The miracles that brought me to them are many and direct proof that our God is alive and working. We should expect miracles. He is a God of them.
I definitely have days where I wonder: "Why me, Lord?" Why did I get this opportunity to have a family and a home and a life of opportunity and blessing? So many others did not get that. So many others were not brought into a family. So many others didn't get a family like mine.
This burden grows as I get older. I have had to learn to fully trust the Lord's great love for His people. Not just for me. He deeply cares for His creation. He knew I needed my family. I can't fully live this life if I continue to wonder why I got this blessed and lucky. He has given me this life so I better use it to glorify Him everyday and make the most of my days.
Rejection and abandonment run through many adoptees veins. Maybe it does for you too- adopted or not. I've always felt gratitude for this life I've been given, but I've also felt an unexplained abandonment. Almost like it's built inside of me. This makes sense if you think about it. Babies in the womb begin to feel attachment throughout a mother's pregnancy. Even though I was adopted so young and have no childhood memories of my birth family, I still spent those months developing in my birth mom's womb.... and the range of emotions during her pregnancy must have been extreme as I imagine they are anyway for someone pregnant. Thank you Amma for being so brave. I hope you feel inside of you years later that I'm more than okay in this world. That I'm taken care of and loved. Thank you for being brave for me.
Sometimes people don't always know what to say either and I don't blame them- since everyone reacts differently to their own adoption anyway:
"Your parents aren't really your parents." "You probably don't feel like you belong with the family you have now." "You don't look anything like them. That must be hard." "You could never really be a Leonard." "How does being adopted feel?" "Do you ever want to meet your birth family?" "Do you even feel Indian?" "Do the Indians accept you?" "The medical papers at the hospital must be hard to fill out for you, huh?" "You have no family medical history- that's sad." "It's probably easier for you since you don't know anything about your birth family though, right?"
I've had people over the years say or ask these things to me. I've always had to step back and realize they just care and love me, but find it awkward to know how to ask the best questions. They don't realize these comments and questions are probably not helpful. I actually rarely get offended by comments to do with adoption. I am more concerned about educating people about adoption in any way I can- in general. I'm most concerned about making sure fellow adoptees know that extreme unexplainable emotions may occur, but they will be okay. That they need to seek the help they need to process well and feel accepted and loved. Yes, my birth parents gave me up. Yes, I look nothing like my family. Yes, I have no clue about my birth family and their medical history. Yes, there are feelings I get that I can't quite explain sometimes about understanding adoption. I have a deep sense of grief sometimes with no real understanding behind it. Being adopted isn't a feeling though. It's a lot more than that. Yet, most of the time- I don't even remember I am adopted! This is my life! The Leonard's ARE my family. Yes, my birth parents gave me up. However, how dare someone think they didn't or don't love me. A dear friend once told me, "Sumi, it shows great love for someone to give their kid up for adoption. It shows they wanted a 'better' life for you because they were not at the place or in the right situation to keep you and take care of you the way they wanted. That's LOVE."
I will never forget the understanding I felt when hearing those words. It is beautiful to think about. I may never meet or know anything about my birth family, but wow do I pray for them and know the Lord is loving them too. He cares for us all. He is working behind the scenes. What a blessing I get to be part of God's family to be able to pray and have His presence and peace cover the unexplainable.
The sting of abandonment is a real thing. It lingers like the smell of rotten food. It's what you do with the feeling and lingering smell that either makes or breaks you. I have never had those moments of realizing I'm a lot like my brother or my hair is like my mom's or my talent for something 'runs in the family' or is genetic. I get stared at like crazy when with my family- no matter what country I live in. Sometimes I feel like an alien when grocery shopping with them because of others shocked expressions. Come on people, we live in 2020, figure it out. Adoption isn't uncommon.
I've chosen time and time again to not let the lies of the devil overwhelm my heart and thoughts. It's so important to push away those lies of not belonging or rejection (adopted or not!). Don't believe those lies. YOU are accepted. YOU are chosen. YOU are loved. YOU are loved by a King.
I'm forever grateful for my family. Forever grateful for being a part of God's family. My parents have never once made me feel like an outcast or not part of them. My brother is a gem. And my family is my family! I've never felt abandoned from them. It's the rest of the world I have to be careful dealing with. It's the devil's lies I have to continually push aside and stomp on. I'm thankful to the Lord for bringing me into the Leonard family. What a true gift. What an amazing life I get to live! God is just so kind.
"Adopting one child won't change the world; but for that child the world will change."
Thanks Mum and Dad for listening to the Lord's still small voice and obeying Him. Thank you for loving me no matter what- like your own. Thank you for fighting for me from day 1 and giving me a home. I'm overwhelmed with how loved I feel everyday. Thank you. It's my Gotcha Day and the Leonard's should be celebrated. :)
