A floating faux pas

I feel like I'm floating ....... I feel like a walking-talking- faux pas..... 

'HOME' during COVID-19 

What a strange season we are in. I feel like the days and weeks are floating by. There is time to think- so I've realized how many slip ups a day happen due to embarrassing things I do or say. Or due to the fact I don't have one culture. I can so easily become a 'know-it-all' as my life is so much an in-between of so many places. The Lord is teaching me humility for sure. Most people have multiple homes in their lifetime. Home is where my people are at! It's where I live. I am able to adapt fast to love the place I live in. It still doesn't make the idea of 'home' any easier for me to wrap my mind around though..... Most people are from a place, whereas I'm just floating and hovering between many.

I’ve felt this odd sense of envy for those that have a ‘home’during this Covid-19 season. Again, don't get me wrong, I know just because someone has a permanent home doesn't mean it's amazing and a place they love. But I do wonder what it feels like for those that are patriotic and view their home countries as a safe haven. For those that so easily boast about their home’s food, stores, medical care, education system …. the list goes on…. Nothing is wrong with these things I'm just saying I've never felt a strong connection to one place- ever. Treasure it.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about the concept of ‘home’ especially during this pandemic. It’s been interesting for someone like me to see so many people view their countries decisions with great respect or with complete slander and ridicule. I guess I’ve never had ONE place that is truly home where I have a sense of pride towards or a sense of patriotism in. I’ve never felt that. I think it’s a beautiful thing to get the privilege of feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my life of cultures and know I’m beyond grateful for everything given to me and provided for me. However, the sense of belonging or a simple answer of “Where’s home for you?” is impossible.

Some say that’s a blessing as I’ve had this adventurous life traveling places. Others say that’s a curse as I do feel uprooted constantly. I believe some days I love it all and other days I’m envious of people with a simple answer to simple questions. In my immediate family alone are 3 places (all dear to my heart in different ways): American, Dutch, Indian. I may have an American accent and wear western clothing, but wow am I not seen as American in America. I remember crying at Wegmans trying to choose what type of cereal to buy. Why on earth were there 50 options? The same goes for any of these places. I may look Indian and have features of a West Bengali, but wow am I no Indian when with them. I can’t cook curry well and I don’t speak fluent anything.... I feel embarrassed around my own kind. Lastly, I don’t even have to comment with the Dutch as I’m clearly not Dutch in any shape or form. Haha. 

It's made me think of Jesus and His time here on Earth. He was an outcast. Hung out with sinners. Cared about people that no one else did. Sent people who no one else would have thought of sending. Chose disciples who were ordinary people. He chose to be different. He wasn't embarrassed. He challenged culture and people around Him. He didn't let what others said stop Him from doing what He was asked to do, yet He always chose to Love.

With this pandemic, I’ve noticed people are so easily drawn to the safety of their ‘home’. The comforts- the security found in passport country- the hope found in laws that work for them. I guess I’ve never really thought this much about the concept of home before. ONE country has never been ‘home’. I know mission kids and TCK’s may think similar thoughts about the word ‘home’ or “where they are from?” or feel most accepted …… however, there is a whole layer added though due to me being adopted. I have this sense of attachment to my birthplace without ever truly feeling belonging there as much as I miss India every day. Basically, without my faith- I’d be SUCH a mess. I've always been a deep thinker and when there is so much time to think these days it's been a challenge just to stop.

It’s an interesting realization when the News is exploding with countries decisions and which lock-down procedure is the most effective and which leader is doing a good job and which one isn’t. Sometimes I think we forget who holds the world. Who controls it. Why we are here. Who we are here for? Whom shall we fear? Even with all this strange, I hope I can draw closer to Him each day. I hope I can know deep down He is Home. I can rest in His presence forever.

1 Corinthians 14:33 a "For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace....." 

Through the floating feeling of not belonging anywhere and the faux pas all around as I live between these places and cultures and messes- I've realized there really is no better place to be but to be in His courts. With Him. Everything I do and say is known to Him. He knows us. I need to give my floating days to Him. He knows the feeling. He knows everything.

Hidden hurts

Here are just some thoughts I've been pondering recently:

If we were told all things.... We wouldn't trust God. Would we? Our God is mysterious. He doesn't want us to know everything or else we'd think we don't need Him. I am grateful He doesn't write things in the sky even though sometimes I pray for clarity and answers like that.

The 'even though' or 'what if' moments in life are hard. They can strangle us. They can bring us great sorrow and into despair. I am grateful He knows the desires of my heart. He knows Me.
Even though I couldn't properly say goodbye to friends and students, yet I will celebrate the Lord.

You never know what someone else is going through. Be gentle. Don't presume. It's so easy to compare from what we see. But we all have hidden hurts. Hidden stories. Hidden wounds that are still yet to be healed fully. I am grateful for my story and what the Lord has brought me through. 

We are living in a strange and unusual season right now. I know of some people going through some of these 'maybes' so be mindful and BE GENTLE to each other. I need to remember to be gentle as we all have hidden hurts.

Maybe the single friend who seems to get naps in and extra hobby time is longing for a partner and a family of their own.....

Maybe the active mom with 6 kids and posts epic Insta's is depressed and can't seem to catch her breath or keep up....

Maybe the young couple who seem giddy have been praying for a child for years......

Maybe the old man who's always helpful and kind grieves his past everyday.....

Maybe the young couple who just had their first child is craving for family and friends to be near.....

Maybe the joyful teenager hides behind being an extrovert and boasting about 10 zoom calls and online game times, but he suffers from anxiety and being alone.....

Maybe your introvert neighbor right now, is struggling more than ever during this season of being alone even though usually she loves quiet space and time.......

Maybe the hard working student is lost with endless cancelled plans and exams.......

Maybe everyone is hurting and struggling. Maybe we all need to remember we all have hidden hurts.

So, don't presume you know just cuz someone 'looks' to be having a great time or a free schedule or amazing positive posts on social media. They may be hurting more than you know.

Be gentle. We are called to LOVE all. We are not called to compare. We are not called to know it all. We are not called to judge. So LOVE.

Our God is a God of Mystery. Our life is full of mystery. If I knew it all.... Would I trust Him? Or just replace my worry with something else to worry about....

Sometimes the unknown leads us to fall on bended knees and cry out for help. Sometimes I want God to bring clarity and answers written in the sky for me. Yet, He chooses to let me trust Him more and more each time.

Our future is so secure. It's so secure if we seek Him and trust Him. He holds it. He holds us. God never promised an easy life, yet He promised a life with Him as our Help. Our Guide. Our shelter. Our holder of all things hidden. Give those hidden hurts to Him today. Let Him help.

I'm choosing to celebrate and rejoice even through the hard times.

Psalm 34:10: "....Those who seek the Lord, lack no good thing." 

Those hidden hurts they will be healed. Your Father knows each hurt. Seek Him.

Trust Him. Call out to Him. He may be a God of mystery, but He's also a God of joy, power, compassion, and sovereignty.