It has been ages since I wrote a new post. It is nice to be writing again now that I have time. It is especially nice to write when noone is grading my punctuation and word choice (hopefully!)
I just finished an online Master's class while full-time teaching and coaching. Wow! God has been faithful for sure. I don't think people quite understand how much of a God-thing this all really is for me. I struggled to pass core-maths in middle school. (Thanks to Miss Smith for her unbelievable patience and help!) This has all been a leap of faith. It is a testimony of His amazing grace and strength. I'm in awe everyday of how much He cares for us.
I have been struggling recently with something that has never bothered me before. It's difficult to write about because I know so many people don't understand what I'm going on about. Bear with me and let me enlighten you. Hahaa.
Comparison truly kills. I have learned the hard way in highschool and college about how comparing oneself is an utter waste of energy. Comparing myself with friends who were smarter, prettier, better, wiser, nicer, stronger..... the list goes on. I was truly killing myself inside. I was wasting my time having self-pity parties and not being able to just be myself. I thought I learned the lesson until I entered Cambodia again and realized people automatically look down on me because of my skin tone. It's tough not to wish or want or compare when it's ALL around you everyday- "Lighter is better!"
Well, I can't actually change the way I was born. I can't change the fact I have dark skin. I thought it never bothered me as I'm adopted and grew up among expats, foreigners, and my different skin toned family. Living in India was easier as I looked like most people. Living in America was easier as people wanted to have my skin color- they adored me. Haha.
Living here- wow. It's tough- if I let it be.
I get ignored shopping (which to some expats sounds nice) but it's painfully killer for my already poor self-esteem. It also takes a lot of effort to buy something. Strangers yell at me and tell me to wear a hat. People say I may never get married. I especially get ignored if I'm with my foreign friends (which is like 90% of the time) who have light skin. It's sad to me because it's such a culture mindset of many Asians. And I'm not demeaning any Asian (Remember- I'm Asian too!). I'm just disheartened to think we have this view in our heads that "lighter is better", that "lighter is smarter", and that "lighter is the ultimate goal to success." It breaks my heart actually to know that people strive for this every day. I even hear comments from people about how they wish they were lighter. We compare everything though. If we have curly hair- we want it straight! Comparison kills. Don't let it eat you up.
The Skin I'm In is a middle school book written by Sharon G. Flake. It is a powerful story about a 7th grader, Maleeka, who struggles through low self-esteem issues due to her dark skin color. I remember reading it in college for a children's literature class and being grateful I never felt that way. However, now, I can relate somewhat to that book.
Through my recent struggle with all this- I firmly know and believe in my heart that God made us. He makes no mistakes. No matter what the world says about skin tone or beauty- I'm so glad He is in control and He views us all as beautiful in His sight. In His image. He is also helping me realize this comparison problem I have. His grace is carrying me through it all. I can put my trust in Him.
Do not judge by appearance. Are we living to seek man's approval or God's? In Galatians, it says that if we are living to please man, then we are not servants of Christ. I hope I am able to continue to live for Christ and not worry so much about what the world says. I encourage you to pray about the things that you compare. The things that are of this world. Yes, we live IN this world, but we are not of it. Learn to set those things at His feet and let Him tell you what He thinks.
He thinks highly of us. He sees the big picture. He knows every aching pain. Every sense of anxiety and the fear of missing out. He knows how much we desire to seek approval from man. STOP. Don't allow comparison to kill you. I am learning to rest in His loving arms and firmly believe that I am enough. He is enough. He is all we need to live in this unstable world.
The Skin I'm in- I'm grateful for it. Thank you Jesus for a powerful reminder that YOUR opinion matters. No one else's does.
Comparison Kills by Jonathan McReynolds.
