The Skin I'm in

It has been ages since I wrote a new post. It is nice to be writing again now that I have time. It is especially nice to write when noone is grading my punctuation and word choice (hopefully!)

I just finished an online Master's class while full-time teaching and coaching. Wow! God has been faithful for sure. I don't think people quite understand how much of a God-thing this all really is for me. I struggled to pass core-maths in middle school. (Thanks to Miss Smith for her unbelievable patience and help!) This has all been a leap of faith. It is a testimony of His amazing grace and strength. I'm in awe everyday of how much He cares for us.

I have been struggling recently with something that has never bothered me before. It's difficult to write about because I know so many people don't understand what I'm going on about. Bear with me and let me enlighten you. Hahaa.

Comparison truly kills. I have learned the hard way in highschool and college about how comparing oneself is an utter waste of energy. Comparing myself with friends who were smarter, prettier, better, wiser, nicer, stronger..... the list goes on. I was truly killing myself inside. I was wasting my time having self-pity parties and not being able to just be myself. I thought I learned the lesson until I entered Cambodia again and realized people automatically look down on me because of my skin tone. It's tough not to wish or want or compare when it's ALL around you everyday- "Lighter is better!"

Well, I can't actually change the way I was born. I can't change the fact I have dark skin. I thought it never bothered me as I'm adopted and grew up among expats, foreigners, and my different skin toned family. Living in India was easier as I looked like most people. Living in America was easier as people wanted to have my skin color- they adored me. Haha.

Living here- wow. It's tough- if I let it be.
I get ignored shopping (which to some expats sounds nice) but it's painfully killer for my already poor self-esteem. It also takes a lot of effort to buy something. Strangers yell at me and tell me to wear a hat. People say I may never get married. I especially get ignored if I'm with my foreign friends (which is like 90% of the time) who have light skin. It's sad to me because it's such a culture mindset of many Asians. And I'm not demeaning any Asian (Remember- I'm Asian too!). I'm just disheartened to think we have this view in our heads that "lighter is better", that "lighter is smarter", and that "lighter is the ultimate goal to success." It breaks my heart actually to know that people strive for this every day. I even hear comments from people about how they wish they were lighter. We compare everything though. If we have curly hair- we want it straight! Comparison kills. Don't let it eat you up.

The Skin I'm In is a middle school book written by Sharon G. Flake. It is a powerful story about a 7th grader, Maleeka, who struggles through low self-esteem issues due to her dark skin color. I remember reading it in college for a children's literature class and being grateful I never felt that way. However, now, I can relate somewhat to that book.

Through my recent struggle with all this- I firmly know and believe in my heart that God made us. He makes no mistakes. No matter what the world says about skin tone or beauty- I'm so glad He is in control and He views us all as beautiful in His sight. In His image. He is also helping me realize this comparison problem I have. His grace is carrying me through it all. I can put my trust in Him.

Do not judge by appearance. Are we living to seek man's approval or God's? In Galatians, it says that if we are living to please man, then we are not servants of Christ. I hope I am able to continue to live for Christ and not worry so much about what the world says. I encourage you to pray about the things that you compare. The things that are of this world. Yes, we live IN this world, but we are not of it. Learn to set those things at His feet and let Him tell you what He thinks.

He thinks highly of us. He sees the big picture. He knows every aching pain. Every sense of anxiety and the fear of missing out. He knows how much we desire to seek approval from man. STOP. Don't allow comparison to kill you. I am learning to rest in His loving arms and firmly believe that I am enough. He is enough. He is all we need to live in this unstable world.

The Skin I'm in- I'm grateful for it. Thank you Jesus for a powerful reminder that YOUR opinion matters. No one else's does.

Comparison Kills by Jonathan McReynolds.

Unexpected Adventures

Wow- what an unexpected summer it has been. I am so full of gratitude and awe. 

As I have three days left in the beautiful Netherlands, I look back to the past 7 weeks and how much the Lord has brought me through in such a short amount of time.

I ended the school year stressed, physically unwell, and exhausted. I had just said goodbye to some best friends in Cambodia and realize that the new year will not be the same. I should be used to saying goodbye, but it seriously keeps getting harder. God knows.

I was anxious for what lay ahead and the mountains to climb alone. Yet, that was exactly the problem- I was not alone! During my week in London, I was anxious about getting to see all the people I wanted to. It was so precious to spend time with my brother, sister-in-law and high school friend getting married. I was nervous I would miss connecting flights and not even make it to the first day of classes in Kandern. I was nervous about living in Germany by myself and failing Grad school. I was scared about the unknown and if I could really do all this- Grad school intensives (12 credit hours in 4 weeks, four different courses). God knew better.

If you know me well enough, you'd understand all these nerves are not dramatic. They are real. You'd also know that Grad school was really not on my radar. Haha. God knew better.
Well, I've been in many weddings and this one was extra special as the bride was a dear friend from boarding school. It was so unbelievable I could be there to celebrate with her. I enjoyed seeing everyone and being such a big part of the wedding set up. What a beautiful day it was! I then stressfully got myself on a plane to Basel, Switzerland to meet someone I knew the name of but never met before.

This little town in Germany was not what I expected. It was everything I needed though. The quiet ghost-like hills and black-forest surrounding me was like living in a fairytale for the first time in my life. I never felt so at peace with people I had never met before. The house I lived in was from the cover of a an IKEA magazine. It was breathtaking and I was pleasantly surprised to be sharing it with another dear classmate whom I call a close friend. Learning together with people from all over the world and teachers who have similar passions to me was inspiring. Getting to share in experiences that to some are crazy but to a classroom full of international educators and administrators was normal. I didn't feel alone after all. I realized that the world is a small place and that I am capable of more than I think. 

Another great unexpected surprise was how well I was doing in my classes. I always struggled in school and had to work unbelievably hard to get an A or B in anything. The Lord shocked me. He really wanted me to gain confidence in myself to believe that I can teach. To believe that I can do this. To believe that I'm not "stupid" or "ugly" or "unwanted" or "not good-enough". In the past, these words were thrown at me often and sometimes just repeated in my own head. I knew they were lies, but could never accept anything differently. God really broke down some walls and barriers this summer. He made me see myself through His eyes. And wow- that was overwhelming. The Lord provided great friends in a matter of a month. He truly knows best. 

The greatest unexpected adventure was of course my friend from College coming to visit me in Europe. We got to check off our bucket list of traveling together. We got to experience new things and places. What a joy it was to share with her some of my 'normal'. It was a joy to have her see my different worlds and meet old and new friends. Of course, my vacation ended with spending time with my dear parents in their home. I am more and more grateful for them as I grow up and see so many students who don't have the support and Godly examples I have.

I am just in awe of the Lord's surprises this summer! He always has the best in store if we let Him lead us. I am so ready now to continue the work He has called me to in Cambodia. And yes, I may be exhausted and tired after a full summer of supposedly relaxing and resting, but every minute was so worth it. Everyday is a journey and a step towards improving myself and becoming more like Christ. I fail everyday, yet I know He continues to remain faithful to me. Thank you Jesus for everything you have showed me this summer. My heart is full of gratitude and peace. I can't thank you enough.

Focus on Jesus. Look up today and realize how much He has done for you. Even through the unthinkable and challenging moments, He always knows best. Trust Him. 

Wedding Fun! Stunning Bride!

Zee Black Forest 

Hiking trips with new friends!

Travels to France

Beautiful France!

Best Friend adventures in Amsterdam

Learning to "Rest Easy"

I have not written a blog post in so long! Trying to juggle Grad school work, full-time teaching, and having some kind of social life has been more of a challenge than I thought. Haha.

As many people around me prepare to go back 'home' and say farewell to this place, it has made me realize how this feeling of staying is very unusual to me. Firstly, 'home' is a strange word for me. I'm never quite sure how to answer the question, "Where is home?" Secondly, I love packing and moving and seeing new places. And thirdly, change is tough for those that stay too. I never realized that until I was the one staying. I guess our focus is always on those leaving as we will miss them when they are gone. A few of my best friends I've made here in Cambodia are leaving in June- I have had over 50 roommates in my life (boarding school, college, single-life housing as a teacher) yet it never gets easier to say goodbye to people. I know the Lord has amazing plans ahead for each person I've had the privilege to meet here. I know He goes before and walks beside. I need to believe He is doing the same for me. I have multiple times hugged my parents goodbye, yet that doesn't get easier either. I'm so relieved to know that many of these dear friends and incredible people leaving, I will get to see again. And if not, I am relieved to hear and believe that our real home is Heaven and what a party we will have there! The Lord always gives me opportunities to see people. I keep forgetting His faithfulness. 

I am normally the one packing suitcases and leaving a country or place. I get excited for new adventures and trips. I used to pack a suitcase on a weekend just for fun and pretend I was going somewhere to calm myself down. People used to laugh at me, yet little did they know how restless and uneasy I felt. It's like I have a timer in me that rings every few months saying, "get on a plane!"

My devotional book this week, written by Marie Chapian, kept on talking about change and how we react to it. Here is an excerpt from some verses in the Bible she paraphrased:

"If you feel lost when faced with the threat of change and your sense of security is challenged, understand that you can't lose something that's solidly fixed inside you. Change may be difficult, but when you enter the experience of change with Me, you'll see what's within you is permanent.
Change is temporary. Faith, love, truth, the attributes of heaven- these you can't dislodge through changes of circumstances. My spirit in you won't slip away or become something else. I'm leading you in a new adventure of faith, dear one. Don't be afraid." (Matthew 17:5; Romans 5:3-4; Isaiah 12:2; James 1:17; Hebrews 13:8).

When I read this, I was overwhelmed by the clear message stated through these verses. God never changes. He can always be trusted. We should never be afraid of what is next for us. His plans are always way bigger and better than we think or could ever even imagine. So whatever season you are in- Trust Him. Trust that He has the best in store for You. Trust that He will never leave your side even when the people we love do. Don't be afraid for He is with You. 

I have been struggling recently with many negative thoughts and a song played to me during my weekly counseling session really spoke to me. Every word was so real and exactly how I felt. I work too hard to try to prove what? He is always enough. Why do I spend so much time worrying? Why do I spend so much time feeling anxious? Why do I spend so much time wondering if others accept me or like me or even want to hang out? He never wants us to prove anything, but just to live our lives for Him. Listen to the lyrics and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you too. Rest easy, my soul. He has already gone before. We are already His. Thank you dear Jesus.

REST EASY by Andrew Peterson