We matter too .....

This post comes from a couple months of brewing and not being sure whether to write about it, but here we go. I also hope this helps someone or atleast gets conversations going. That's always the goal in writing these blog posts. I have not sat down and written one in a year! Wow.

I want to start by saying in no way am I writing this in hope I'll be single forever. And in no way am I writing this because I'm angry or something happened recently. I'm just collecting bits of what I hear and feel to put them down for others to know they are not alone. I also realize we usually never write about the things we are going through WHILE we go through them and only reflect in hindsight about things we've learned etc. So, I'm challenging myself to write about the now while I'm in this season. I've never been in such a peaceful season of life and being able to fully enjoy singleness like I have these few years. But it's a topic that's been on my heart and it's time to write about it. 

Singleness.

You are not insignificant just because you do not have a significant other, a baby, or own a house.

People seem to think they can say a lot about being single because we were all single once, but wow, I wish people could listen to themselves talk before they spurt out silly questions and unintentional hurtful comments. Our world focuses on success and acheivement and this includes having a spouse and family. Somehow we aren't living fully or we are doing something terribly wrong to not be there yet. I understand as a single person I may have more time, more energy, more freedom, more whatever you think, but I also have less of a lot of things too. And why are we so bothered about comparing anyway? 

I've heard so many single friends recently tell me how unimportant they feel just because there are no kids calendar schedules and no meal planning for 6 happening. It's heartbreaking to me that friends don't know what to do with us, families don't know what to do with us, and churches definitely don't know what to do with us. We shouldn't feel like such disappointments and failures just because we haven't found a special someone just yet. I believe you when you tell me it's all amazing yet hard work and exhausting. But why won't you believe me when I tell you this season is amazing and hard work too. I don't really even have time to enjoy it though because people won't let me. I'm constantly reminded how I have more free time, and therefore feel guilty about it. I am constantly reminded how I have an easier life or can sleep whenever I want to, and therefore feel guilty about that too. I'm constantly reminded how alone I must be feeling and how much I'm missing out on, and therefore feel like I'm not enough by just being me. Trust me- I know I have more time and flexibility but don't let me feel ashamed for something I didn't choose or something I don't have yet. We matter too, you know?

I find it so heart-wrenching that churches have no idea what to do with us either. The focus is on kids, youth, students, young couples, new parents, families. We get ignored or placed in the 'we don't know what to do with you' group. They are basically subtly telling the single population that we are not good enough to lead, serve, be invited etc. We can only be complete with a partner. We can only be everything God wants with a union like that. But heck, on our own, nevermind. 

The solution? I don't really know to be honest. I just know we need to openly talk more about singleness and all my single friends in the world need to speak up more and voice their hurts and frustrations. Or I guess if they don't- I will- on behalf of them all. Haha. 

We matter too...... we are an integral part of society. I'm tired of proving that this season is important too. To grow. To learn. To understand myself more. To learn to be more like Him. To be a better human.....There are many advantages to being single- trust me- but don't remind me continually that better days are coming just because they have for you. How do you know that? And why presume my days are not already in the better category?

My life group is studying James at the moment and I'm learning so much. 

James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above...." 

- "Even my singleness". How can this season be a gift though? Well- because God's plans are so much wider and bigger than ours. And He means what He says. He will never abandon us. We are complete in Him. We are enough in Him. He calls us to love Him and others. I will do just that. I will enjoy what He's given me- if you let me...... until the next gift of someone else comes along.

Just because I am single does not mean I am lonely all the time.
Just because I am single does not mean I can't live well or live a full life. 

We matter too. 

I can't wait to experience what's to come, but I'm so challenged to remember to live NOW and enjoy every good and perfect gift while I'm in it...... 

Source used

The grass is always greener, right?

Phew, it's been a long time since I've last blogged. 

It's always nice to spend some time writing though. So, instead of making this a perfect post, I wanted to publish it before it just sat in the drafts for another few weeks. Some raw stuff here but hopefully someone understands my crazy thoughts or atleast learns one thing from my chaotic rambles..... 

The grass is always greener, right?

I've heard every version of "just wait until...." or "don't worry, it'll happen" or "just if you...."  or "you're so lucky to have......" or "wow, I wish I had that...".....

Yikes. One thing I've learned recently is that the grass will always seem brighter and better and greener on the other side. But wow do we waste time wishing and wanting and hoping and dreaming instead of soaking in the present. Living in the present. Being present in every season God asks us to endure. He doesn't just throw us in difficult and watch for fun to see what happens. He is near and walking beside us if we choose to listen and see Him. He watches to see if we turn to Him instead of the world.

I'm not saying life can't be hard or you can't find yourself hoping for better days. (Trust me, my ache for better days and just 'easier anything' is intense). But, I am saying don't wish away the present. Whatever the present may be..... BE in it. Live it. Accept it.

Remember that you don't know what others are going through on the inside so always be kind and considerate. Comparing life stages or life in general is just so not worth it. The grass may look greener but you don't really know what is truly going on underneath. Or you may not know what someone has been pleading to God for that YOU just got or have. 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens." James 1:17. Ahh, I LOVE that verse. Everything I have or the blessings I get are all gifts from HIM. Every single one. I don't deserve this life at all, yet He chooses to bless me.

And maybe you struggle with being excited for SO much good news all around you when life for you right now is a bit mehh. I've been challenged with this recently as friends are getting dream jobs, buying houses, getting married, having children, starting their mission abroad ..... etc and I find myself in this odd season of, "hello, God?" But life isn't about all those things. Those are gifts. Life isn't about us. 

It's exhausting to always be the happy good friend. Haha. I had to realize my selfishness and that I need the Lord's strength and grace to be genuinely thrilled and over the moon for friends or family with good news, but understand His grace for me too. I don't have to carry anything by myself. I am not Jesus and I don't have to have it altogether just cuz I'm the good friend. I can show raw emotion when I need.

I expressed to a friend recently about how I feel like everyone is on a train and it's moving and they are going places and life is moving on.... and somehow I'm out stuck at some station and nothing is happening. They instantly pointed out to me the fact that they didn't see me as 'stuck' but on a fascinating exploration with Jesus and everyone else was missing out. It made me laugh but after a few days of processing this I was stunned by how the Lord used this person and her thought to impact me. Woah. A change in perspective was truly needed. I am on an important exploration with Jesus and I'm not stuck. I'm just chilling on the sidelines for a while and growing deeper in the understanding of my Saviour and His great love for me. His will for my life is different to those on the moving train. Let Him be in control and don't get ahead of Him.

My name 'Sumita' means 'good friend'. God has really humoured me with this recently as I feel like my main purpose in this odd season is to try to be a good friend. My purpose right now is to live up to my name and glorify God through supporting others. No matter what. Continually rejoicing with others in their good news and supporting others in their struggles.

In kids church on Sunday I asked the question, "Why did God create us?" Kids are so incredible that they say exactly what they mean. A sweet kiddo raised her hand eagerly and said, "Because we are so loved by Him and we have to share about Him to others. That's like the whole point." 

My heart was so overjoyed by this answer. Tiny children speaking truth and blessing me. Every time! Love them. We weren't just created to rule the Earth and take care of it, but we were created in His image to glorify Him and be loved by Him; sharing about His goodness and faithfulness in our lives to others. Phew, what a calling and purpose.

The grass may always be greener, but is it where I should have my gaze to begin with? My eyes need to be fully on Him and pointed to His perfect calling and plan for my life. Not what someone else thinks or not even what I think. I can't recall the number of times I can thank God for rescuing me from what I thought was a brilliant plan or idea or future decision. Haha. He knows best. Rest in that and just be present. Live. I've had some real raw feelings recently about my own birth story and why a mother wouldn't want her child. This has come about more recently for me because so many of my closest friends or family members are having their own babies and there is so much love and excitement there. So much care and love for a little human and so many little humans, like me, were not wanted. Phew, I've had to change my perspective and negative thinking and turn to Jesus time and time again as I wrestle with these raw emotions. Only He can satisfy. My birth mum definitely wanted me, but she was brave to love me so much to give me up knowing she couldn't fully take care of me the way she wanted. I have no words about that and I usually have many words about everything.....Haha. Thank you Ma.

So, maybe the grass is always greener......but don't look there. Look at the exploration you are on with the Lord. Where are you going with Him? Where does your heart go when you need restoration? Struggling with that newborn? Turn to Jesus. Struggling with loneliness? Turn to Jesus. Struggling with being too free or too busy? Turn to Jesus. Struggling with work? Turn to Jesus. Struggling in your marriage? Turn to Jesus. What are you learning about yourself? Maybe you long for the greener grass days- well, cling to Jesus and He truly will provide all you actually need. He knows your desires. He doesn't usually grant them to us in the way or time we think. He is preparing the way. Let Him. Walk with Him. Live in the present even if you are itching to get on that train and get moving..... 

"It's sweet mercy when we can't survive apart from surrender. You're not falling apart friend. You're falling into the place He's prepared and marked out for you." -Ruth Chou Simons 

Lament

This is for those who are walking a tough season right now. For those who are wondering what's next. For those who are feeling weary in the present circumstances. For those who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. For those who are struggling being genuinely happy for others 'good news'.....

You are not alone. I've been doing much better than imagined these few months but woah, this is a seriously tough season of waiting. And it's okay to be exhausted from the, "God's got this" and "God's plan is best" and "God will provide, just wait and see!" comments. Trust me, people mean well and those comments are truth, but not always helpful in the moment. :) I encourage you to truly express what it is going on inside you and allow the Lord to heal, restore, and strengthen. The comfort can't come from others. It has to come from Jesus; the true and only source. Allow the Lord to help genuine joyfulness to pour out of you for others, even through a time of dryness for you.

I wrote this poem back in February and it sheds a little light on how I was doing:

The Playground Lament

The playground,

Lunch time recess,

Seeing smiling faces, energetic children. 

Hearing awkward conversations, laughter, chit-chat. 

My mind races. My heart aches. Yearns. 

It longs for what's next. A glimpse of the next page. Half-an-open door?

My feet feel like lead as I keep pushing on my bicycle pedals and ride by. 

But here, in my silence, as the noise of children fades, I feel stuck.

God invites us to this place, this sacred place, with HIM, to fully lament and express. 

"We won't experience full renewal without true lament." 

My playground lament. 

The teacher in me longs for an everyday playground.

This is my playground lament. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not all totally cheery and fine everyday now. But woah, I've come a long way in my attitude towards understanding His plans and His provisions. My inner peace and joy through these months have only come from Him. It's truly the power of the Holy Spirit teaching me to trust and walk in faith. The firm foundation I know so well. To actually WALK in it and believe it for myself this time. God invites us to this place with Him; a quiet place where we can be honest. Cry out to Him.

I've really been challenged not just to praise Him when all is well or when all is awful, but to praise Him ALWAYS, no matter what. In every circumstance. It doesn't mean some weeks I'm not a total mess emotionally and in my human flesh can't see one positive road ahead....... even though I wouldn't wish this season on even my worst enemy- I don't want to wish it away, necessarily. I've drawn so much closer to the Lord than I ever would have if everything just worked out or all my prayers got answered. Sometimes I think He wants to show His power through the ugliness of life. He also wants to show us who we are and who He's created us to be. I'm not Sumi, the adopted one. Or Sumi, the Indian girl who taught in Cambodia. Or Sumi, the MK, TCK, Pastor's kid. Or Miss Sumi, the teacher. I'm Sumi, a daughter of the King. I'll never understand His plans, but I will always hope to draw closer to Him and be more like Him. And jeez, if this is the way to do that in some small way as He chisels me and shapes me, heck yes. I'm all in!!

His promises are real. He never fails us. 

The world recognizes what you do; God recognizes who you are. He's more concerned about YOU. 

The pain will not last; He'll see you through. He is preparing a way forward. It's probably nothing like what you imagined or prayed for. He likes to do the unimaginable. So brace yourself. :)

So, it's okay if the comments like "God will provide" are exhausting right now. He wants you to be honest with Him and lament all you need to. But always remember, everything is temporary. The pain will not last; He'll see you through. Just like I firmly believe, He'll see me through too......

Really enjoying this song these past few weeks: This is the reason I sing by Phil Wickham !

Cultural realizations

 

I LOVE learning about new cultures and seeing what differences there are between all the places I've visited or lived in. Somedays it's crazy to think I've lived in 4 countries and am only 28 years old, but there are other days I'm in awe of how the Lord has brought me through so many adventures. I've really been blessed by so many lovely people and cultures along the way. Being in a new place and learning a new culture has been exciting, although it definitely comes with it's challenges too. I am aware of people's shocked faces when my introduction blurb has 3 cultures as part of my family alone. Haha. It creates some fascinating conversations.

I've never lived in Europe and so wanted to write 6 cultural findings living here in The Netherlands! These are quite general but it's a start....

1. Bicycle culture: 

The bicycle paths here are amazing. I am still getting used to the fact you can really cycle safely ANYWHERE and you have your own path and traffic light. It's so cool to see the tiny kiddos cycle to school or the large bakfiet cycles carrying a few kids. The Dutch are cycle experts. It's amazing! The amount of times I have looked like a fool just trying to get on my seat..... 

2. Work culture:

The Dutch are hard workers, but everything here closes at a reasonable time, especially clothing stores. This is to make sure that people are home for dinner with their families. How beautiful is that? They value their holiday time and overall don't seem so stressed by their regular job. Family time truly matters and they take it seriously. (I'm fairly certain this depends on the job and know that many people suffer from burn-out etc).

3. Cafe culture:

It's so wonderful to see so many people out and about enjoying the little sunshine that exists. The outdoor cafes are always full of families and people enjoying time together. Being a coffee and cafe lover, I am loving this about The Netherlands. I think it's something I've done the most since being here: meeting a friend for coffee or sitting at a cafe for the afternoon. There is no rush at a cafe as I think people are used to students studying or people working etc. So you can sit at a cafe all day and be content. The frustrating part is definitely paying, as most places only take a Dutch pin or cash. The use of a credit card or international debit card is basically non-existent. Haha. 

4. Weather-talk culture:

There are probably 50 different words for rain in Dutch. The amount of different types of rain is quite a shock here. I've only really been used to: drizzle and downpour (Asian monsoon!) But here....woah! It's amazing how people are brave and used to it so they will still cycle places and just learn to dress appropriately. The wind speeds are not kind to your umbrella- so forget that idea!

5. Flower culture:

The Dutch and their flowers! I stood at a flower shop the other day and was overwhelmed by the choices. They know how to beautify their homes and gardens for sure. Such a cool welcoming gift or 'bring to a friend' gift. I'm used to bringing cookies or a drink to a dinner invite, but the Dutch will bring flowers. I really like this normal. Flowers aren't seen as a "get well" only or a "congrats" or a "condolences" only type situation. They are just everywhere and for ALL occasions.

6. Communication culture:

I've really appreciated the genuine bluntness of the Dutch. People view it as rude and maybe sometimes it can be, but once you live here it somehow doesn't seem that way anymore. It's quite nice not to have to figure out what people are thinking or worry about if you understood them wrong or what they mean, cuz they'll just tell you! It's refreshing actually. Time is not wasted and people aren't misunderstood nearly as much. I've only met kind waiters and waitresses and kind people on the bike paths when I'm lost and need direction help :) I've been so impressed that here in Den Haag, everyone speaks English! The Dutch are so gifted in languages. The biggest difference for me communication wise is the lack of spontaneity. The Dutch love planning and appointments. Nothing is wrong with that- it's just something I need to get used to. I'm the "can we meet in an hour for coffee" person...... so it's definitely a new ball game here.

There are many more things I could have written about but I thought I'd just pick 6. I am grateful for the cultural realizations that are happening. It somehow helps me settle more and learn to make this beautiful place home! 

No Encore

2021

What a year it has been for many.

I've heard stories of victories and great answered prayers and stories of great pain, loss, and loneliness. I've walked through some of the best times in my life and some of the hardest too. Everything changing constantly around us has been difficult. The consistent unknown of what else will come our way has been challenging for everyone. Fear, anxiety, and worry have covered many. We live in a very broken world. Will there be another lockdown? Will my work place keep me on? Can I survive this quarantine or isolation? Will our flight get cancelled? Will we see family? Will my friend get better? What's next? Will anything be normal again? The constant unknown is exhausting to say the least. It can really affect us mentally, physically, and spiritually.

As I reflect on my year of ever changing times and experiencing lockdowns in multiple countries, I've come to the conclusion that every year I say "the best is yet to come", but maybe that's not always true. I think we need to gain a heavenly perspective. Yes, better things are waiting because of the truth of eternity. We CAN hope in Jesus. Grow closer to Him. Grow deeper in our desire to know Him. But I believe our God doesn't repeat Himself. He doesn't like encores.

I'm reminded of the power of the Holy Spirit in those who believe. That power- it never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever- an unchanging God. We are told to rejoice in ALL circumstances and to pray continually. Sometimes I forget how much the Lord has done. He has answered many prayers. And even those that haven't been answered, He is working. He is loving. He is healing. The unanswered ones can be hard to grapple with since He's such a powerful and good God. I'm learning though, that He is allowing me to grow SO much closer to Him in those moments. I have nowhere else to turn too. He is my firm foundation and my happiness shouldn't reflect my 'amount' of praise. I shouldn't only praise Him and boast about Him when I'm happy and everything is well. He is a Good God even when the bad or the heartwrenching times happen. He is Sovereign and Holy.

There is no encore with God. God does not repeat himself, He makes all things new. Better. 

"It would be rash to say that there is any prayer which God never grants.  But the strongest candidate is the prayer we might express in the single word encore.  And how should the Infinite repeat Himself?  All space and time are too little for Him to utter Himself in them once." C.S. Lewis

So, I've really learned this year to remember that I'm grateful for all that's come. The beautiful memories of teaching in Cambodia and the community that cherished me well beyond what I ever deserve will not repeat itself. God makes all things new. He'll provide all I need in His timing, but He will not repeat Himself. He has NEW in store for us. I'm not gonna wait for an encore. I'm gonna wait for beautiful NEW surprises and blessings. What a weight off my shoulders to realize I don't need to strive for anything. I don't need to hope for 'the best'. I just need to hope in the One that never changes. The One that knows all things. The One that holds it all together. The One that makes all things new.

Happy New Year. Welcome 2022....

"They go from strength to strength [increasing in victorious power]...." Psalm 84:7 

"Aha" moments

I used to use this phrase "Aha moments" in my classroom with my students. These moments were like 'light bulb' realizations. They were fully expressed. They were celebrated. The precious moment in time when a student grasped a concept or understood a plot twist. I have so many stories of these times in my classroom as I watched student's faces light up and they'd yell out, "aha! I get it, Miss Sumi!" 

I had an aha moment this week. 

And I simply had to blog about it. 

I was challenged this past Sunday at my church here in Den Haag to stand out as a follower of Christ. We aren't supposed to be like the world. We aren't supposed to fit in. Something is seriously wrong if others see the way we live and act and don't notice a difference..... I've really longed to settle in my life. But I think I've misunderstood the meaning of it altogether. It doesn't mean fit in or be like others or have things work out the way they are supposed too.

I finally understood that I can still be glorifying the Lord and living my best life just BEING. Not doing. But just 'being Sumi'. I don't need to wait for a job or an apartment or a relationship to begin my life here. I can love and encourage and use my gifts NOW. I've written before about 'being' and not doing. But this aha moment was more about 'I can actually be useful and live fully now!'

It hit me. I don't need to keep 'waiting on the Lord'. A statement that is overly used (overly used by me too!) I can actually keep living for the Lord as I wait. He IS using me, probably without my knowing. I can love those placed in front of me. I can encourage those far away. I can pray for others fervently. I can still be of purpose by just being in this world. Being different. 

So, if you are struggling with your sense of purpose or what's next in your life- Just keep living fully and joyfully the best way you can. Trust me- He's using you. Even if my most productive part of my day was waking up or doing the dishes- the Lord is not disappointed. He hasn't forgotten about me. He isn't mad at me. He just wants me. He wants our hearts. He is a Good Good Father. His ways are perfect.

It says in Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord" but it doesn't end there. It continues to say "....be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord". We aren't supposed to just wait and get anxious in the quiet and unknown or feel useless through the boring times...... we are asked to be strong and take heart. To live. To remain confident that the goodness of the Lord is coming (verse 13!). 

If you are reading this and are wondering things like: "what am I doing here?" "what is God doing?" "I feel useless and worthless" "I'm bored out of my mind" "I can't even use the gifts He's given me yet" ..... I've definitely had these linger far too long in my head these days....

Be strong. Take heart. Be confident in knowing He is Good. He is already ahead of you. 

He is already preparing a way forward. Trust Him. 

"Aha moments" are so precious. I needed this one: To the world I'm doing absolutely nothing right now......but actually I can still live and make a difference each day. I can be a good friend to those placed in front of me for this season. I can still be Sumi in every way as I wait for the future to unfold. I've been listening to this song on repeat this week. The bridge brought tears to my eyes: "You are perfect in all of your ways".

Somedays, I really don't feel it. I really don't see it. But, it's not about feeling or seeing though. It's about knowing and believing. He is perfect. Trust all that He is doing in your life right now. The good and the hard. God isn't finished yet. 

My new website

Do you live near or in Den Haag, The Netherlands?

Are you in need of a tutor/ special needs tutor for your child? Or do you know someone who does?

I never thought I'd be self-employed or having to set up my own tutoring sessions, but here we are! 

I am a passionate teacher with 6 years of international teaching experience.

I am excited and eager to support my community and help support students in need.

Please do spread the word or let me know if you have any questions. 

Check out my website for details!

sleonardtutoring.weebly.com