I have realized this month that even through my selfishness and pride, He will still carry me. He still loves me when I feel weak and doubt. He reminds me of His faithfulness and His miracles. I've been reminded in my Bible Study recently that through our weakness, He is strong. His strength is always with us. We just need to reach out and take it.
Maybe you are reading this and are having a difficult time understanding what God is doing in your life right now. Maybe you are doubting or confused like me. Maybe you are hurting and unsure how to move forward in many areas of your life. Maybe you feel beyond repair. I urge you to never give up hope. I serve a God who performs miracles. He cares so deeply for us. We have a God who stays. He runs in our direction. He opens His arms wide. Nothing we have ever done can separate us. We are already free. We are already His. Rest in the hope that we have in Jesus. My chaos, confusion, hurt, weakness and pride are not too much for God. His strength is enough.He is enough. I need to start really believing that myself. It is so easy to write and speak about but a different story to follow and believe sometimes. I'm learning. Believe what the Lord says about us. Trust Him.
I was reminded of many miracles that the Lord has done in my life. This song came to mind. It talks about how we are all living, breathing, walking miracles. I'm glad the Lord brings peace when we sit still with Him and place our burdens at His feet. He cares. Deeply. I feel refreshed just listening to these lyrics and remembering how far I've come. All thanks to Jesus. Your Name, Jesus, is Above all. Praise the Lord!
Apologies in advance for the 200 thoughts thrown on a page with no clear direction or purpose. I'm hoping someone can relate to at least one part of what I'm blabbing on about.
Restlessness. Doubt. Uncertainty. Burdens. Fear. Tears. Pain. More tears. I've been struggling a lot lately with many areas of my life. I realized it wasn't only my students learning to cope with anxiety issues and feelings of worthlessness, resulting in meltdowns- but it was me too.
Work has been overwhelming. Processing my past and the unknowns of the future opened up many old hurts and wounds I never knew I had. Homesickness is real too. (Not that I know where 'home' is or which 'home' I'm referring to.) I guess people..... I miss people from the various places I've had the privilege of doing life in and creating deep friendships with others. Restlessness. Working with so many students who are adopted, my curiosity for my own adoption story is consistently on my heart and in my mind especially when I get questions like, "Ms. Sumi, will I ever fit in?" "Will I ever feel a sense of belonging?" "I am worthless." "I feel rejection everyday." "I cry everyday." "Will I ever meet my birth family?" My heart breaks for my students, at the same time as my own brokenness is exposed even more.Restlessness. My heart feels like it's tossed among the waves. I feel like my days are filled with 'busy' and my anxious heart yearns for stillness with Jesus. But what does that look like? Stillness with Jesus? I thought after my Master's Degree was complete- life would be 'easier' again. What happened? I've been asked recently about how it is living a single life in an expat mission world where there are many excited young families starting out their mission adventures. It made me think of all the beautiful weddings I've been lucky to be a part of and how now close friends are having children and starting their families. It makes me wonder if that will ever happen for me. I'm young and clearly have a lot to work on. Yet, the future seems so hard- I just want to go back sometimes. Restlessness. A restless heart. My heart does not do well in the unknowns. I need to learn to be STILL. Focus on Jesus.
Well, I don't have the answers. All I can give through this post are some things I've thought of during a difficult month. I don't have anything figured out at this moment- but I definitely have gained a new perspective in just a few weeks as I sit here and write this. I'm in awe of the power of Jesus.
Our hearts become restless when we are unable to find true peace. When we are unable to focus on Jesus and only focus on ourselves. I realized I wasn't giving my life up each day to Jesus. I noticed that in the quiet, I was seeking man's approval and placing my worth on how others thought of me. I hope to learn to be Still with Jesus.
I believe it has to be an intentional step of learning to self-care. I am learning to take rest seriously and take care of me. This is uncomfortable as it feels like I'm being selfish. I believe that Stillness with Jesus is important. This does not mean only 'devotion time with the Lord or in Scripture'. Don't get me wrong- those precious times are needed everyday too. Soaked in Scripture. However, I am talking about true quietness and stillness. Learning to intentionally listen to His voice and his still small whisper. I believe today's generation expects immediate communication and runs on being busy and rushed, that the true meaning of being still and quiet is seen as bad or unpopular.
I had the privilege of leading a song at church on Sunday as part of the worship team. I felt a sense of deep joy singing with God's people in that beautiful space. I do not have the strongest voice, the best voice, or the nicest voice- but wow- I felt the Holy Spirit move as I shakily sung powerful words. I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. It's easy to pretend to be someone you aren't. To put on a smile and a face to show you are 'fine'. It's easy to let others bring you down. It's easy to forget the purpose of why you do what you do. God is good. He is faithful.
"All my life You have been faithful. All my life You have been so so good. With every breathe that I am able- I will sing of the goodness of God. I love Your voice. You have led me through the fire. In the darkest night, You were close like no other. I've known You as a Father. I've known You as a friend. And I have lived in the goodness of God. Your goodness is running after me."
Those lyrics really spoke to me. He has always been faithful. I can't believe I am where I am right now. I honestly shouldn't have made it through high school. I've had multiple chances in life as the Lord has rescued me from many incidents and accidents. He has great things in store. I am certain.
Not for a minute was I forsaken. The Lord is in this place. He knows Restless. He wants us to come to Him just as we are. "Trust me", He says. He knows a restless heart. He calms it. He guides it. He comforts it.
So, I have no answers, but I have peace found in Jesus. Apart from Him, I really have no good thing. My heart may continue to be restless, but I can be overjoyed and overflowing with His peace, love, and mercies. Peace that wraps my anxieties and unknowns. Peace that helps me do my job well. Peace that enables me to help others that have been through what I have. Peace to get through the day knowing my identity is in Christ. Peace that helps me truly believe that my belonging and sense of 'home' is found in Jesus. In His stillness. Peace to allow me to minister to those around me to see this Perfect Peace found in Jesus too.
All those burdens and worries and tears........
Leave them behind. Run to the Father. He has no disappointment in His eyes. He loves us. Come to the Father, just as you are. We are not in control of our own lives. We need to learn to trust Jesus. We need to learn to commit ourselves to God's purposes everyday. We need to learn to seek His answers and His will. Don't let others direct your journey. Don't get bogged down by your own anxieties and shortcomings. The Lord knows your deepest secrets. He made you. Trust Him. Don't lead your own life. Let God do it. Seek His stillness by being STILL and committing your every action and word to Him.
A restless heart - is beautiful- in the Hands of a Creator and Father. He calms the waves. He calms the restlessness and provides Perfect Peace.
"You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." Psalm 16:2 "Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5
2020 did not start out the way I had hoped.... But I have great confidence 2020 will be a year of growing closer to Jesus and seeing more of His beautiful plans unfold.
Provider. A word that carried me through this year.
The Lord is always faithful and He always provides. This last year He really helped me through a lot. He provided things I never dreamed of. Finishing a Masters Degree. My dream job in Special Education. Visiting new places in Europe and traveling to see friends.
Just a quick run through in pictures of my fabulous 2019. Miracles do happen if you trust the Lord as Your Provider.
Visiting Siem Reap
Excited for a new year as we enter 2020 :)
In awe of God's LOVE for His people- through the good, bad, and ugly times. He is constant. He is Our Provider. Lots of unknowns and changes to come..... but with God on your side - only the BEST is to come.
"....Those who seek the Lord will not lack any good thing". -Psalm 34:10
The beautiful place I get to call home: Phnom Penh
Wonderful friends and girls trip!
Got our hair done! Miss these two!
Birthday Breakfast!
Love coaching! Basketball :)
Hard to say goodbye to my beloved teaching Year 4 students.
But God had other plans in store....
Switzerland with the Fammm
Love my family!
Holland with Tante Margriet
Getting a full weekend with my favorite brother!
Seeing old friends!
Seeing more old friends! :)
Germany!
New job as Coordinator of ARC
New and old friends made !
Love these girls!
Beautiful view from my apartment
Getting to eat delicious Mama Dawne food!
I get to do life with these amazing peeps!
Lovely trying new places to eat with these lovelies.
Boat cruises!
Camping trip with these crazies!
Difficult days trying to get to school
Praying I'd make it in the morning....
Grateful to work at a place as beautiful as this one!
Getting to live in this busy yet calming city of Phnom Penh. Love it!
Becoming an Alumni of Cairn University!
Finishing my IDP and doing my seminars.
Christmas with my folks!
"2019-That's a wrap" Starting this year with a smile and excitement for all that's to come!
I am so excited to be regularly blogging from now on with Grad school completed.
These last few months have been a whirlwind of chaos and the words 'I'm busy' came out of my mouth all too often. I honestly don't know how parents taking care of their little people do it! I commend them.
This season for me has been daunting and difficult. However, I was reminded of a song sung at Graduation at my Boarding School in India: Look what God has done for us. The simple title speaks loudly at the fact that the Lord holds our lives in His hands. There is purpose. We are to give Him all the glory. He will continue to remain faithful.
I encourage you through this blog post to look back. To look back and think of how faithful the Lord has been in your life. Yes, the present- the NOW- and the future are to be focused on, but the Lord's faithfulness can be clung to. It helps us get through the darkest of days.
People that know me well can say I've had my fair share of dark days. However, the Lord has always been near. I honestly believe that. Sometimes, I just have to seek a little harder. I just have to look UP a little more.
As I write this on the day of completing my Masters of Education, I can't help but think of all the Lord has done for me. He really is a God of miracles. I don't think people that have only known me a short while understand just how amazing it is for me to have completed an MS in Education WHILE full-time teaching.
This is the same girl that barely passed her middle school math exams. The same girl that flunked exams over and over again. The same girl that had panic attacks in the classroom when asked to answer a question in public. The same girl that cried over German homework. The same girl that thought she'd never get accepted to College. The same girl that wondered what on earth she was going to do with her life. The same girl that compared herself to everyone and anyone- forgetting that the Lord gifts us all with different talents. The same girl that thought she would never amount to much and especially not excel in teaching- as school was just too hard for her......
You see what I mean? I had a lot of very large mountains to climb over these last two years, but the Lord kept pushing me along and cheering me on. Look what God has done ....... He is powerful. He transforms. He provides. He lifts us up. He helps. He guides. He supports. He challenges us to continue to seek out our potential with His help. God IS good. He will never let us down. I make such a big deal about this because of the work I do now.
My days are not all loved and enjoyable. Work is tough. However, I get to see glimpses of "Sumi" everyday as I work with these precious students. I get to help build confidence in those that have given up. I get to help discover gifts and talents when students think they really can't do anything or are good for nothing. I get to support those that fear school and their future. I get to walk alongside students that feel failure and inadequacy. I get to help families understand that there is more to this life we've been given than a report card. I get to speak words of truth and encouragement to those that are different and struggle academically or socially. Anything is possible with Christ. Anything is possible with the help of Jesus.
I don't know what you're going through. Maybe there is nothing to be celebrating right now. The days are dark and looking back at your life is hard. I encourage you to find JOY in the little things. I encourage you to allow the Lord to embrace you and help you. I encourage you to never give up on Him. He is listening to your cries and prayers. Anything is possible with Him if we believe and have faith. He really has more for you than you can imagine or dream of. His plans are perfect. Trust Him.
In my life, I tend to like to jump in the driver's seat time and time again. It's a learning process to realize that is never a good idea. The Lord's plans are SO much greater. SO much better. I am learning to follow the Lord's gentle whisper and follow His still small voice. I am learning to let Him be driver. It's a lot more adventurous and fun that way.
My school just performed The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. My favorite quote goes well with this theme of letting the Lord lead. His plans are always good even if we don't see the Good yet.
"Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course He isn't safe. But He's good. He's the King, I tell you.”
Another thing I learned from Grad school and working hard is about the power of community. I don't think my community here in Cambodia realizes their impact and influence on me. Each person I've encountered has been a pivotal instrument in guiding me to Christ. I am fortunate to have such loving people to walk this journey of life with. The days are never easy, but they are worth it because of who I get to do them with. I am grateful for God's provision of people. He truly provides all we need.
Thank you HOPE community and close friends and family near and far for all your support. This accomplishment would not have even been possible without your loving prayers, care, and patience with me through this season.
Look what God has done. I look forward to many more milestones to look back on. I am excited for all that is to come. Thank you God for building my confidence through your Great Goodness. For when I am weak, HE is strong. Here's to a NEW season...... expecting Great things from God.
Anxiety cripples. It numbs. It silences. It tricks.....Here are some ways I am learning to cope with it. I hope it is helpful for someone reading this.
I never realized I struggled with anxiety until reading more about it and talking through it with people who suffer a lot worse than I do every day.
I know the Lord made us unique and He is shaping us more and more every day. I saw this quote the other day and it really encouraged me: "Your anxiety is lying to you. You are loved. You are strong. You are going to be okay."
Sometimes our minds like to trick us into believing no one cares. Our minds trick us into believing we are fine on our own. As a child, I'd sometimes think the worst if my parents happened to be late for pick up after school (extremely rare that they were late anyway!) Our minds trick us to believe all sorts of crazy things when one suffers from anxiety.....
God made us to live in community with each other. We NEED each other. We also need to believe all the good about what others say about us. That is SO hard when anxiety seems to be winning.
Some things I do to help:
1. Affirm out loud: Call out to Jesus and allow Him to replace the negative with positive
2. "It's okay to cry!": Know that some days we just need a good ole cry
3. Don't believe the lies: Never let your anxiety take over. Realize it can be loud and STOP it
4. Seek help: Ask others/ friends/ family/ counselors to help you through it. Talk and be vulnerable about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. It's such a relief to know people that love you CARE. Trust them.
5. PRAY: Pray all the time. Trust me- It makes all the difference in the world.
I sometimes have post-it notes on my mirror in my room with statements about what the Lord thinks of me: (Biblical affirmations are powerful to read out to yourself when your mind is tricking you)
-I am fearfully and wonderfully made
-I am beautiful
-I am a Daughter of the King
-I am loved and cared for
-I am valuable
-I am not alone
-I am capable
-I am intelligent
-I can do all things through Him
-I have the Holy Spirit helping me
There are many nights I lay awake going through every second of the next day- trying to organize my schedule or plan something. There are some nights I lay awake wondering what I did or said wrong that offended my friend and how they'd react the next day...... The amount of time wasted on over-thinking is unbelievable. It's draining and exhausting. I needed to learn to put my brain and heart at ease. Give the worries and burdens and stresses to Jesus. He doesn't want us to carry those around.
I'm not writing this because I somehow found a solution to getting rid of my anxiety..... I wish it were that easy. I can say I found great peace in learning how to deal with it better and identifying it when it came up. I found Jesus. I found peace in knowing He knows my thoughts, my fears, my words, my everything! I need to give the anxiety and over-thinking to Him each day. I'm still no expert- but I'm learning- a work in progress shall we say. My prayer life has really increased and this has made all the difference. I can finally see glimpses of joy and moments of pure joy in my days instead of being anxious about everything.
I have definitely learned to seek Him more and call out to Him more frequently. I can't do this life alone. I gotta stick with Jesus. If you are struggling with anxiety or anything close to it..... Cling to Jesus. He is a God of such peace and restoration. All we need is Him! I'm in awe at how far I've come. He's brought me through a lot and I'm still standing. He's come through time and time again to prove to me He never leaves me nor forsakes me. He watches over me. He is building confidence in me to rise up to my full potential. I'm thankful for His great love for me. Even though I still have days that are hard and nights that I can't sleep due to my anxiety.... I know the Lord grants me peace. I know He holds my future in His perfect hands. I know He can be trusted. With ALL things.
Say goodbye to anxiety and hello to the Voice of Truth: Jesus.
Believe that VOICE of TRUTH today. I will.
Is your soul busy? Is your soul burdened by the weight of "too much"?
Well, I hope through these words the Lord sheds some light on You and reveals to you His peace.
Recently, my heart has been burdened by a lot. I have realized I have taken things on my own shoulders and not allowed the Lord to be in charge.Suffering is a true thing.We all go through it and fail to notice the beauty amidst the ashes. I am learning to trust Him each day and know that He is always working, mending, and healing. I've been reading a book titled "Be Still My Soul" by Elisabeth Elliot. This section really spoke to me- She writes:
"Our perspective is so limited. We keep forgetting that God's love does not show itself only in protection from suffering. It is of a different nature altogether. His love does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands firm in the teeth of suffering. The Love of God did not protect His own Son from death on a cross. That was the proof of His Love, though 'legions of angels' might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us more like Jesus. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process. Through it all, we learn to trust Him in every little thing. Sometimes the deepest level of trust has the appearance of doing nothing. This does not go down well with our busy souls."
I am learning to trust Him each day and know that all my ways are known to Him. He knows my every thought and need. He sustains me. He provides all I need. He is enough. He is everything. He is LOVE. He is there through the suffering. He walks beside us through it. Allow Him to help.Don't push Him away.Remember that our perspective is so limited. We forget the power, might, and goodness of God's great Love.
Living in Cambodia is a constant adventure. We've had internet issues, power outages, water shortages, hot temperatures, and high humidity. The devil enjoys sprinkling doubt everywhere he goes. He will try anything he can to make me suffer. He will fill my mind with fear and with questions like: "Can I live here much longer?" "No water- WHAT? I can't do it any longer" "Do I have a friend here?" "Am I making any kind of difference in the lives of my students?" "Does anyone see me?" "Do I matter in my community?" "This place doesn't need me" "Wow- look at what that teacher is doing- I am nothing compared to that"
These questions and doubts are a waste of time and negative. They taunt and tug at my heart. I need to remind myself that all my ways are His. He has such a beautiful plan ahead. So many people live in such worse circumstances than I do. I need to STOP letting my mind trick me. I need to just wait and see. Look what God has done so far..... He is faithful. He will remain faithful.
I am learning to expect the unexpected. There are days I think to myself, "Wow, I made it home alive!" The traffic is unpredictable and frustrations arise daily from unexpected events. However, I'm forever grateful for the little things when they come up. I am grateful for my home. I am grateful for the wonderful people that surround me. I am grateful for this place of unexpected-ness because it teaches me to cling to Him every moment. It makes me realize ALL MY WAYS are known to Him. I need to rely on Him and not control my own life. I need to rest in Him and give my burdens, fears, and frustrations to Him. He carries pain. He carries the darkness and brings light......such beautiful Light. Let Him be your Hope and Light.
This doesn't mean I can't be frustrated or annoyed when things don't work out. This doesn't mean I need to pretend when I'm in pain. This doesn't mean I need to be happy when all I want to do is cry.
However, it does mean...... I need to lay my burdens at His feet. It does mean.... I need to give Him my pain. It does mean...... I need to allow His peace and true joy to soak and cover me. I need to boldly ask Him to help. Jesus, we need YOU.
So even if your soul is busy and burdened.... GIVE every fear, frustration, and worry to Jesus. Let Him carry the weight for You. You are never alone in it. He is watching over you. Stop carrying your own bags of doubt and fear. Let Jesus be in control. Let Jesus be the guide.
All OUR ways are known to Him! Wow! What a beautiful God we serve.
I've been challenged recently with a lot of things. Struggling to really see myself the way God does. Struggling to balance this season of my life- teacher and student life- full of waiting and unknowns.
I've been asking God many questions and knocking quite loudly as I continue to seek Him. I know if I keep knocking- He'll open- in His perfect timing and will. I can't give up..... He always knows best!
I keep coming back to the verses in Colossians 3:1-3, which says, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."
What a powerful section here. "Set your hearts on things above.....set your minds on things above."
We so easily let the world tell us how to respond to situations. We let the world decide for us how to view ourselves. We let circumstances rob us of joy. We let others opinions and views shatter us. We let words hurt. We let comparison kill. We let regret eat us up. We let negativity and grumbling win. We let the devil have a little dance party as we sulk and sit in self-pity.
I'm learning to RESET. I'm learning to declare and affirm out loud the Name of Jesus. It is powerful when negative thoughts or words bubble to the surface. There is such power in His Name. We need to not be afraid to call upon Him- everyday.
I'm also learning to take my worries and grumblings and turn them into prayers instead. This helps me set my focus on Jesus. It helps me set my heart and mind on what matters in this life- my relationship with Him. I'm learning to RESET. We believe so many lies about ourselves. STOP the cycle of negativity.
RESET
Fix your eyes on Jesus. He will carry you through anything. Believe in what Jesus says about you.
YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made.
YOU are precious. YOU are chosen.
YOU are His beloved. YOU are forgiven.
YOU are set apart. YOU are part of His workmanship.
YOU are free! YOU are His!
I was sorting through an old box of letters and found a precious card from an old friend. I hope this can encourage someone as much as it reminded me that our identity belongs to Christ. We are His. We are His precious children.
A section of the letter said:
Jesus says, "I won't let you fall, don't worry. I've always been here to hold you up, to guide and protect you, and I'll always be here. I'm not aeons away out in space; I'm in YOU. Yes, I hold your right hand, but I also hold your heart. If I'm in you that means by your choice, you can fuse your thoughts with Mine. Your dreams, your passions, your longings are not separate from Mine, when we are one. Today, I want you to transcend from the worldly grip on your life that comes and goes like a fly beating at the window. Be fixed to Me and we'll fly together to your Divine destination."
RESET
and call upon: JESUS. Let's believe the things He says about us.....
