All my ways

Is your soul busy? Is your soul burdened by the weight of "too much"? 

Well, I hope through these words the Lord sheds some light on You and reveals to you His peace.

Recently, my heart has been burdened by a lot. I have realized I have taken things on my own shoulders and not allowed the Lord to be in charge. Suffering is a true thing. We all go through it and fail to notice the beauty amidst the ashes. I am learning to trust Him each day and know that He is always working, mending, and healing. I've been reading a book titled "Be Still My Soul" by Elisabeth Elliot. This section really spoke to me- She writes:

"Our perspective is so limited. We keep forgetting that God's love does not show itself only in protection from suffering. It is of a different nature altogether. His love does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands firm in the teeth of suffering. The Love of God did not protect His own Son from death on a cross. That was the proof of His Love, though 'legions of angels' might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us - not from anything it takes to make us more like Jesus. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process. Through it all, we learn to trust Him in every little thing. Sometimes the deepest level of trust has the appearance of doing nothing. This does not go down well with our busy souls." 

I am learning to trust Him each day and know that all my ways are known to Him. He knows my every thought and need. He sustains me. He provides all I need. He is enough. He is everything. He is LOVE. He is there through the suffering. He walks beside us through it. Allow Him to help. Don't push Him away. Remember that our perspective is so limited. We forget the power, might, and goodness of God's great Love.

Living in Cambodia is a constant adventure. We've had internet issues, power outages, water shortages, hot temperatures, and high humidity. The devil enjoys sprinkling doubt everywhere he goes. He will try anything he can to make me suffer. He will fill my mind with fear and with questions like: "Can I live here much longer?" "No water- WHAT? I can't do it any longer" "Do I have a friend here?" "Am I making any kind of difference in the lives of my students?" "Does anyone see me?" "Do I matter in my community?" "This place doesn't need me" "Wow- look at what that teacher is doing- I am nothing compared to that"

These questions and doubts are a waste of time and negative. They taunt and tug at my heart. I need to remind myself that all my ways are His. He has such a beautiful plan ahead. So many people live in such worse circumstances than I do. I need to STOP letting my mind trick me. I need to just wait and see. Look what God has done so far..... He is faithful. He will remain faithful.

I am learning to expect the unexpected. There are days I think to myself, "Wow, I made it home alive!" The traffic is unpredictable and frustrations arise daily from unexpected events. However, I'm forever grateful for the little things when they come up. I am grateful for my home. I am grateful for the wonderful people that surround me. I am grateful for this place of unexpected-ness because it teaches me to cling to Him every moment. It makes me realize ALL MY WAYS are known to Him. I need to rely on Him and not control my own life. I need to rest in Him and give my burdens, fears, and frustrations to Him. He carries pain. He carries the darkness and brings light......such beautiful Light. Let Him be your Hope and Light. 

This doesn't mean I can't be frustrated or annoyed when things don't work out. This doesn't mean I need to pretend when I'm in pain. This doesn't mean I need to be happy when all I want to do is cry.

However, it does mean...... I need to lay my burdens at His feet. It does mean.... I need to give Him my pain. It does mean...... I need to allow His peace and true joy to soak and cover me. I need to boldly ask Him to help. Jesus, we need YOU.  

So even if your soul is busy and burdened.... GIVE every fear, frustration, and worry to Jesus. Let Him carry the weight for You. You are never alone in it. He is watching over you.
Stop carrying your own bags of doubt and fear. Let Jesus be in control. Let Jesus be the guide.

All OUR ways are known to Him! Wow! What a beautiful God we serve.

"Reset"

I've been challenged recently with a lot of things. Struggling to really see myself the way God does. Struggling to balance this season of my life- teacher and student life- full of waiting and unknowns.
I've been asking God many questions and knocking quite loudly as I continue to seek Him. I know if I keep knocking- He'll open- in His perfect timing and will. I can't give up..... He always knows best!

I keep coming back to the verses in Colossians 3:1-3, which says, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."

What a powerful section here. "Set your hearts on things above.....set your minds on things above." 
We so easily let the world tell us how to respond to situations. We let the world decide for us how to view ourselves. We let circumstances rob us of joy. We let others opinions and views shatter us. We let words hurt. We let comparison kill. We let regret eat us up. We let negativity and grumbling win. We let the devil have a little dance party as we sulk and sit in self-pity.

I'm learning to RESET. I'm learning to declare and affirm out loud the Name of Jesus. It is powerful when negative thoughts or words bubble to the surface. There is such power in His Name. We need to not be afraid to call upon Him- everyday.

I'm also learning to take my worries and grumblings and turn them into prayers instead. This helps me set my focus on Jesus. It helps me set my heart and mind on what matters in this life- my relationship with Him. I'm learning to RESET. We believe so many lies about ourselves. STOP the cycle of negativity.

RESET

Fix your eyes on Jesus. He will carry you through anything. Believe in what Jesus says about you.

YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made.
YOU are precious. 
YOU are chosen.
YOU are His beloved.
YOU are forgiven.
YOU are set apart.
YOU are part of His workmanship.
YOU are free! 
YOU are His!

I was sorting through an old box of letters and found a precious card from an old friend. I hope this can encourage someone as much as it reminded me that our identity belongs to Christ. We are His. We are His precious children.

A section of the letter said:

Jesus says, "I won't let you fall, don't worry. I've always been here to hold you up, to guide and protect you, and I'll always be here. I'm not aeons away out in space; I'm in YOU. Yes, I hold your right hand, but I also hold your heart. If I'm in you that means by your choice, you can fuse your thoughts with Mine. Your dreams, your passions, your longings are not separate from Mine, when we are one. Today, I want you to transcend from the worldly grip on your life that comes and goes like a fly beating at the window. Be fixed to Me and we'll fly together to your Divine destination."

RESET
and call upon: JESUS. Let's believe the things He says about us.....

The Skin I'm in

It has been ages since I wrote a new post. It is nice to be writing again now that I have time. It is especially nice to write when noone is grading my punctuation and word choice (hopefully!)

I just finished an online Master's class while full-time teaching and coaching. Wow! God has been faithful for sure. I don't think people quite understand how much of a God-thing this all really is for me. I struggled to pass core-maths in middle school. (Thanks to Miss Smith for her unbelievable patience and help!) This has all been a leap of faith. It is a testimony of His amazing grace and strength. I'm in awe everyday of how much He cares for us.

I have been struggling recently with something that has never bothered me before. It's difficult to write about because I know so many people don't understand what I'm going on about. Bear with me and let me enlighten you. Hahaa.

Comparison truly kills. I have learned the hard way in highschool and college about how comparing oneself is an utter waste of energy. Comparing myself with friends who were smarter, prettier, better, wiser, nicer, stronger..... the list goes on. I was truly killing myself inside. I was wasting my time having self-pity parties and not being able to just be myself. I thought I learned the lesson until I entered Cambodia again and realized people automatically look down on me because of my skin tone. It's tough not to wish or want or compare when it's ALL around you everyday- "Lighter is better!"

Well, I can't actually change the way I was born. I can't change the fact I have dark skin. I thought it never bothered me as I'm adopted and grew up among expats, foreigners, and my different skin toned family. Living in India was easier as I looked like most people. Living in America was easier as people wanted to have my skin color- they adored me. Haha.

Living here- wow. It's tough- if I let it be.
I get ignored shopping (which to some expats sounds nice) but it's painfully killer for my already poor self-esteem. It also takes a lot of effort to buy something. Strangers yell at me and tell me to wear a hat. People say I may never get married. I especially get ignored if I'm with my foreign friends (which is like 90% of the time) who have light skin. It's sad to me because it's such a culture mindset of many Asians. And I'm not demeaning any Asian (Remember- I'm Asian too!). I'm just disheartened to think we have this view in our heads that "lighter is better", that "lighter is smarter", and that "lighter is the ultimate goal to success." It breaks my heart actually to know that people strive for this every day. I even hear comments from people about how they wish they were lighter. We compare everything though. If we have curly hair- we want it straight! Comparison kills. Don't let it eat you up.

The Skin I'm In is a middle school book written by Sharon G. Flake. It is a powerful story about a 7th grader, Maleeka, who struggles through low self-esteem issues due to her dark skin color. I remember reading it in college for a children's literature class and being grateful I never felt that way. However, now, I can relate somewhat to that book.

Through my recent struggle with all this- I firmly know and believe in my heart that God made us. He makes no mistakes. No matter what the world says about skin tone or beauty- I'm so glad He is in control and He views us all as beautiful in His sight. In His image. He is also helping me realize this comparison problem I have. His grace is carrying me through it all. I can put my trust in Him.

Do not judge by appearance. Are we living to seek man's approval or God's? In Galatians, it says that if we are living to please man, then we are not servants of Christ. I hope I am able to continue to live for Christ and not worry so much about what the world says. I encourage you to pray about the things that you compare. The things that are of this world. Yes, we live IN this world, but we are not of it. Learn to set those things at His feet and let Him tell you what He thinks.

He thinks highly of us. He sees the big picture. He knows every aching pain. Every sense of anxiety and the fear of missing out. He knows how much we desire to seek approval from man. STOP. Don't allow comparison to kill you. I am learning to rest in His loving arms and firmly believe that I am enough. He is enough. He is all we need to live in this unstable world.

The Skin I'm in- I'm grateful for it. Thank you Jesus for a powerful reminder that YOUR opinion matters. No one else's does.

Comparison Kills by Jonathan McReynolds.

Unexpected Adventures

Wow- what an unexpected summer it has been. I am so full of gratitude and awe. 

As I have three days left in the beautiful Netherlands, I look back to the past 7 weeks and how much the Lord has brought me through in such a short amount of time.

I ended the school year stressed, physically unwell, and exhausted. I had just said goodbye to some best friends in Cambodia and realize that the new year will not be the same. I should be used to saying goodbye, but it seriously keeps getting harder. God knows.

I was anxious for what lay ahead and the mountains to climb alone. Yet, that was exactly the problem- I was not alone! During my week in London, I was anxious about getting to see all the people I wanted to. It was so precious to spend time with my brother, sister-in-law and high school friend getting married. I was nervous I would miss connecting flights and not even make it to the first day of classes in Kandern. I was nervous about living in Germany by myself and failing Grad school. I was scared about the unknown and if I could really do all this- Grad school intensives (12 credit hours in 4 weeks, four different courses). God knew better.

If you know me well enough, you'd understand all these nerves are not dramatic. They are real. You'd also know that Grad school was really not on my radar. Haha. God knew better.
Well, I've been in many weddings and this one was extra special as the bride was a dear friend from boarding school. It was so unbelievable I could be there to celebrate with her. I enjoyed seeing everyone and being such a big part of the wedding set up. What a beautiful day it was! I then stressfully got myself on a plane to Basel, Switzerland to meet someone I knew the name of but never met before.

This little town in Germany was not what I expected. It was everything I needed though. The quiet ghost-like hills and black-forest surrounding me was like living in a fairytale for the first time in my life. I never felt so at peace with people I had never met before. The house I lived in was from the cover of a an IKEA magazine. It was breathtaking and I was pleasantly surprised to be sharing it with another dear classmate whom I call a close friend. Learning together with people from all over the world and teachers who have similar passions to me was inspiring. Getting to share in experiences that to some are crazy but to a classroom full of international educators and administrators was normal. I didn't feel alone after all. I realized that the world is a small place and that I am capable of more than I think. 

Another great unexpected surprise was how well I was doing in my classes. I always struggled in school and had to work unbelievably hard to get an A or B in anything. The Lord shocked me. He really wanted me to gain confidence in myself to believe that I can teach. To believe that I can do this. To believe that I'm not "stupid" or "ugly" or "unwanted" or "not good-enough". In the past, these words were thrown at me often and sometimes just repeated in my own head. I knew they were lies, but could never accept anything differently. God really broke down some walls and barriers this summer. He made me see myself through His eyes. And wow- that was overwhelming. The Lord provided great friends in a matter of a month. He truly knows best. 

The greatest unexpected adventure was of course my friend from College coming to visit me in Europe. We got to check off our bucket list of traveling together. We got to experience new things and places. What a joy it was to share with her some of my 'normal'. It was a joy to have her see my different worlds and meet old and new friends. Of course, my vacation ended with spending time with my dear parents in their home. I am more and more grateful for them as I grow up and see so many students who don't have the support and Godly examples I have.

I am just in awe of the Lord's surprises this summer! He always has the best in store if we let Him lead us. I am so ready now to continue the work He has called me to in Cambodia. And yes, I may be exhausted and tired after a full summer of supposedly relaxing and resting, but every minute was so worth it. Everyday is a journey and a step towards improving myself and becoming more like Christ. I fail everyday, yet I know He continues to remain faithful to me. Thank you Jesus for everything you have showed me this summer. My heart is full of gratitude and peace. I can't thank you enough.

Focus on Jesus. Look up today and realize how much He has done for you. Even through the unthinkable and challenging moments, He always knows best. Trust Him. 

Wedding Fun! Stunning Bride!

Zee Black Forest 

Hiking trips with new friends!

Travels to France

Beautiful France!

Best Friend adventures in Amsterdam

Learning to "Rest Easy"

I have not written a blog post in so long! Trying to juggle Grad school work, full-time teaching, and having some kind of social life has been more of a challenge than I thought. Haha.

As many people around me prepare to go back 'home' and say farewell to this place, it has made me realize how this feeling of staying is very unusual to me. Firstly, 'home' is a strange word for me. I'm never quite sure how to answer the question, "Where is home?" Secondly, I love packing and moving and seeing new places. And thirdly, change is tough for those that stay too. I never realized that until I was the one staying. I guess our focus is always on those leaving as we will miss them when they are gone. A few of my best friends I've made here in Cambodia are leaving in June- I have had over 50 roommates in my life (boarding school, college, single-life housing as a teacher) yet it never gets easier to say goodbye to people. I know the Lord has amazing plans ahead for each person I've had the privilege to meet here. I know He goes before and walks beside. I need to believe He is doing the same for me. I have multiple times hugged my parents goodbye, yet that doesn't get easier either. I'm so relieved to know that many of these dear friends and incredible people leaving, I will get to see again. And if not, I am relieved to hear and believe that our real home is Heaven and what a party we will have there! The Lord always gives me opportunities to see people. I keep forgetting His faithfulness. 

I am normally the one packing suitcases and leaving a country or place. I get excited for new adventures and trips. I used to pack a suitcase on a weekend just for fun and pretend I was going somewhere to calm myself down. People used to laugh at me, yet little did they know how restless and uneasy I felt. It's like I have a timer in me that rings every few months saying, "get on a plane!"

My devotional book this week, written by Marie Chapian, kept on talking about change and how we react to it. Here is an excerpt from some verses in the Bible she paraphrased:

"If you feel lost when faced with the threat of change and your sense of security is challenged, understand that you can't lose something that's solidly fixed inside you. Change may be difficult, but when you enter the experience of change with Me, you'll see what's within you is permanent.
Change is temporary. Faith, love, truth, the attributes of heaven- these you can't dislodge through changes of circumstances. My spirit in you won't slip away or become something else. I'm leading you in a new adventure of faith, dear one. Don't be afraid." (Matthew 17:5; Romans 5:3-4; Isaiah 12:2; James 1:17; Hebrews 13:8).

When I read this, I was overwhelmed by the clear message stated through these verses. God never changes. He can always be trusted. We should never be afraid of what is next for us. His plans are always way bigger and better than we think or could ever even imagine. So whatever season you are in- Trust Him. Trust that He has the best in store for You. Trust that He will never leave your side even when the people we love do. Don't be afraid for He is with You. 

I have been struggling recently with many negative thoughts and a song played to me during my weekly counseling session really spoke to me. Every word was so real and exactly how I felt. I work too hard to try to prove what? He is always enough. Why do I spend so much time worrying? Why do I spend so much time feeling anxious? Why do I spend so much time wondering if others accept me or like me or even want to hang out? He never wants us to prove anything, but just to live our lives for Him. Listen to the lyrics and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you too. Rest easy, my soul. He has already gone before. We are already His. Thank you dear Jesus.

REST EASY by Andrew Peterson

God, Grace, and Gratitude

God

God helped me. The year 2017 has flown by. I can't believe I have lived in Cambodia for most of it. I escaped the heat in the summer for my brother's wedding and got to visit with dear college friends. So much has happened this year. I've traveled across oceans. I've taught precious children. I've grown to love Asia more every day. I've made new friends. I've grown in my faith as I've struggled with anxiety and my identity. There have been great transitions for my family too- my parents moving and now living in Holland. My brother getting married. God has helped me. God has helped me enjoy this year and realize I need to constantly call out to Him for help. This life isn't easy, yet He always provides just what we need. I'm happy to be here in Den Haag right now with my whole family ending the year together.

This year has been a shock to my system as I've realized my lack of taking care of myself. Health issues have come up one after the other. However, the Lord has continued to remind me of His faithfulness in my life. He has given me all the support I need through His Word, His still small voice, and through others. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed just thinking of how He mapped the way for me to be in the family I'm in. Tears begin to form in my eyes. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you. I have made such incredible friends in Phnom Penh. They have helped me. He is King and I am His daughter. That will never change. He will never change. As we look into 2018...... I want to remind you to continue to cling to His promises. Cling to His faithfulness. He is faithful.

Grace

The Lord is so full of Grace. He knows just how much we can take. There are days that may feel like more than we can imagine or bear or handle.... but during those days, weeks, and months, He wants us to reach out for Him even more. He freely gives us his Grace. He wants us to ask Him for help. He never expects us to do this life alone. Yes, I'm single and am reminded of it every day, however, the Lord calms my restless heart. He gives me Grace. He continues to transform my mind and fill me with His Love. We are complete in Him. He has a perfect plan for the future. I need to learn to fix my eyes on Jesus. Every day. No one else can satisfy. We sing lyrics like that on Sunday. Do we truly mean them? I hope this new year, I can be reminded daily that the Lord is full of Grace. That He fully satisfies every craving of my heart. How amazing is that! Thank you Jesus.

Gratitude 

Thankfulness. Gratitude. I get easily overwhelmed by how far the Lord has brought me. From not thinking I'd graduate high school and crying during German homework to being accepted into Grad School and full-time teaching now for over 2 years..... Wow! We really can do ALL things through Christ who gives us strength. The Lord always knows best. He carries us in the Palm of His mighty Hand and guides our ever step. We just need to trust Him. We need to spend time listening to Him. We need to spend time in His Word. 

Below is one of my favorite songs. God has helped. We will continue to help. HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

I'm excited for 2018 and all that will unfold. The best is yet to come!

Isaiah 43:19 

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." 

Farewell to Fear

This is my Farewell to Fear.

The last few months have been crazy. If you know me well..... you know I can get emotional and I cry easily. Ha-ha (insert awkward Sumi giggle). Well, the last couple weeks have been out of control. I've felt so defeated, so alone, and so lost some days. And then other days, I've felt alive, supported, loved, and in awe. My mind plays tricks on me time and time again allowing me to believe Satan's lies. I'm learning to discern His still small voice. I'm learning to spend quiet moments with the Lord and listen carefully. His peace is real. Peace is freedom. He has set us free. He has already won the war. Yes, there are battles that are being fought everyday. But Jesus already won! We don't need to dwell in our anxiety and fear. We need to dwell in His perfect peace and love. Easier said than done.

Some days, He's so silent. He's so distant. I know..... I cry out loudly to Him for help....... and yet He feels so far. I know He's listening. I know He's holding my life in the Palm of His perfect righteous Hand. I'm freakin' still here! Living. Alive. Breathing. Walking. Talking. (Thank you Jesus!) He made this universe. He made YOU. He made me, yet, I continue to doubt Him. I continue to be engulfed in fear. Fear that makes it impossible to sleep some nights. Fear that echoes loudly in my ears. Fear that diminishes all sense of motivation and willingness to keep moving forward. Fear that allows me to compare constantly with those around me allowing me to feel less than enough. FEAR. It suffocates life. GET RID OF IT! 

: "an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of pain, danger, or harm". Fright. Panic. Distress.

Goodbye FEAR. Farewell. I know you'll creep in sometimes still, yet I'm ready. I'm ready to let all the walls down. I'm ready to let you go. I'm ready to tell my heart to beat again- with truth.

Change happens when WE make the choice. When we choose Truth. For those that are reading this that need to be set free from the fear that engulfs every choice during the day...... The fear of others approval. The fear of not fitting in. The fear of the unknown future. The fear of feeling alone every night..... Try these three simple steps with me:

1. Choose truth- choose not to allow fear to control your life (Meditate on Scripture)
2. Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life. Protect it. (Pray for this protection)
3. Focus on Jesus. Focus on Him when uncertainty or disappointment come your way. (Lift up your eyes to Jesus and allow others to help you on your journey) Don't be stubborn- it just wastes time. Trust me on that one. :)

 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

We're not in this alone. He promises to strengthen and help us.

Psalm 91:4-5 
"He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day... "

Notice the Lord promises not a maybe.... not just sometimes.... or only on Sundays..... HE WILL cover you. HE WILL provide a refuge, His faithfulness WILL be a shield. We DO NOT need to fear. We are fully embraced by our loving King. Focus on Jesus when Satan tries to prowl. Choose truth. Choose PEACE.

: "freedom from disturbance" Tranquility. Calmness. Stillness. Rest. Jesus